cluttering the net since 2001

march my words...pay better attention

Monday, Dec. 15, 2003
Ok so last night I ask BF what he would do about the dog if we were to break up. Meaning....exactly that. See....I had two chow chows. I loved them immensely. And when the split occurred last year, one went to the pound and the other hopefully got herself a good home. I hate hate hate ex for letting that happen. The one that got a good home....had her for 12 years. So sad. I didn't even get to say goodbye.

I have this new morbid fascination with how and why people twist and turn into ugly people. Even more so I have a fascination with how seemingly nice people are wicked cruel when the truth comes out. I know that certain people portray this lightheartedness and friendliness to the world at large, but then they are the first bizarro's to kill their neighbors and eat them for dinner all the while going to work daily as if they are normal Joes.

Sure all of this comes from my utterly morbid fascination with forensic science shows. Afterall, where else can one learn that if you drive over a person the tire tracks you leave on a face can and will be used to "track" you down. Talk about Karma.

I suppose I think back to the days whenever ex was seemingly some sort of prince charming. Believe me it's hard to remember those days or what I must have been thinking back then, but c'mon we all honestly know that even when we have learned to hate someone that there was a once upon a time where they appeared to be god or goddess like and could do no wrong.

So...with current BF I think he can do little wrong. Sure there are issues, but God knows I have mine as well. I currently believe myself to be the type to bring out the anger in others, because I let my own anger and frustration build up to a level that aggravates my partner. At least that's my best take on it.

Maybe...just maybe it's possible that there is one common demoninator in all of this. Would it be....me? Yup. I can admit that. I can admit to having faults because I'm not the crazy fool that one person out there believes me to be, I just find him to be amusing in the take a big fat picnic crumb away from the fleeing ant on July 4th kind of way. I like to aggitate him and laugh my ass off when it works. When he's wonder- ing in his corner of the world if I am truly insane and about to Jeffrey Dahlmerize his ass. Or worse yet, boil his rabbit. I find much humour in this activity and only engage in it when totally bored. Amazing that he's so stupid that he constantly bites at the obvious baited hook. Fool.

I digress...sorry...

Back to the what would BF do with Chloe if we broke up? I wonder if knowing how ugly people can be during a split makes me so insecure about what might happen were a split to happen again. After seeing the following things...

1. Bible givin to me by ex's whore whilst I was still married to him...whilst she was doing him.

2. Dogs abandoned in backyard, later to be funneled away without a goodbye being granted to myself.

3. Having child taken away on Thanksgiving so ex could fuck a girl who calls herself Christmas.

4. Finding my favorite necklace in same pawn shop ex takes me to in order to purchase another item.

5. Learning that on Christmas Day ex left family to go feed the homeless with whore girlfriend while child cried at the screen door for 3 hours.

6. Seeing wreaths I made from scratch hanging on "her" wall without my prior knowledge. (that one's so sicko to me..)

7. Finding half naked neighbor crawling out of my marital bedroom window rushing back to her own husband who is asleep in his bed.

8. Receiving a gift from girl apologizing for "sleeping with your husband without your knowledge" written on the giftcard.

9. Witnessing then husband wearing a watch that was engraved with "I will love you for all time" on it...I didn't buy said watch.

10. Finding out about 2nd affair by reading own childs in-school journal whereby he discusses it.

11. Getting phone calls from strangers at strange times of the night being told where to find ex at precise moment and time.

12. Listening to then husband creeping into the house quietly only to jump in the shower making a ton of noise washing sin off of his own flesh before trying to crawl into bed and make love to me.

13. Learning more than a thousand places to hide money including behind the light switch plate....it was a necessary skill in that marriage.

14. Engraving name on everything I owned along with a seriel number for later identification by police.

OK so there's over a dozen reasons for wondering what might happen if BF and I were to breakup and fate of doggie were to have to be decided.

I trust little. I trust so very little......for so very many reasons.

I am not bitter. I am enlightened. I take nothing...NOTHING for granted.

I hope that in March when the lease is up we can go find a house to live in and plant new seeds of life in , and I know BF is not 'ex'...oh but trust...its a hard thing to regain in people after so much.

5:53 p.m. ::
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