cluttering the net since 2001

meat cleaver

Monday, May. 20, 2002

It was a nice long weekend and a quiet boring one.  But then on the other hand it wasn’t. I went to the beach on Saturday and hung out on my big old quilt reading “Living Dead Girl” by Tod Goldberg.  It was awesome.  So awesome that I got slight sunburn because I didn’t want to leave until I was done reading it.  It was completely different than “Fake Liar Cheat” but it was still Tod and still very good.  That guy is a deep thinker for sure.


Like I said, it was a quiet weekend.  A pretty nice one.  The way my life has been its great when we have a quiet weekend.  Yesterday husband and I cleaned the entire house from top to bottom.  Everything’s shiny and clean.  I went to the bookstore for about an hour and then I hung out reading “Microserfs” some more.  I veered away from that book to read Tod’s book.  I read Tod’s book in one day. I love the kind of books that you read in one day because they just suck you in so deep.


I got some pictures back.  When everything was moved and done with we found 7 (count em) 7! Rolls of film.  And we had no clue what was on em.  Wow…some of those pictures dated back to when my son was 5.   We’re just not that into pictures and documenting things I guess.  Bucky” was in there looking all young and so different.  I know people that have a camera shoved up their kid’s asses all the time.  I hate that.  I’m all for having memories, but c’mon let your kids grow up in peace.  It reminds me of that movie that stared Jim Carey…but oh hell I can’t remember it.  Ya know, the one where they follow him around with cameras and he’s the star of some tv show he knows nothing about.  Yeah…that one.


But, there was a picture of “Bucky” with Stevie.  Yeah, Mrs. Cleavers son.  My son’s best friend for 4 ½ years.  And of course “Bucky” saw it and he grabbed it and it was and is a very good picture of them together.  He saw it and he started to cry within about 3 minutes.  I asked him if he wanted to call Stevie.  Yeah I want nothing to do with them, and we’ve all moved, but I couldn’t bear to see my son so broken up.  He said he didn’t want to call.  I went and sat in my bedroom just trying desperately to figure out how the hell you’re supposed to correctly deal with this shit.  I came up with nothing.  I went into “Bucky’s” room where he was crying his eyes out and asked him again if he wanted to call Stevie.  Again he said no.  Then I just went out into the garage and dug up a suitable frame out of the pile of boxes that we haven’t gone through yet and cleaned it all up and put the picture of “Bucky” and Stevie in our old kitchen (we completely redid that kitchen…so for me that’s hard to see now) and went into his bedroom and gave it to him.  He was all puffy eyed bawling his eyes out and he looked at what I did and said, “can I put this on my bed?”  He has a waterbed with a very nice headboard.  I of course hugged him and said “yes…and just so you know you can call Stevie anytime you want, just ask me and I’ll give you the number…no matter what.”  


Keep in mind, that I’d much rather put all of the Cleaver stuff behind me.  And I’d also like to say a few things about Mrs. Cleaver to the person that told me I am just like her, I’d like to point out a few things about this situation.  (I also need to get it off my chest somewhere and this is my diary so I can say whatever I want!!!)


  1. Mrs. Cleaver is the women that gave me a bible for my birthday the first year I was her neighbor.
  2. Mrs. Cleaver is the person that bought me some very nice picture frames for some poster prints all the while she was sleeping with my husband. (Most gifts I get in life come from guilt!)
  3. Mrs. Cleaver slept with her boss, another friends husband and another man all while being married to Mr. Cleaver.
  4. Mrs. Cleaver was angry at me for going to her house the next day to console her husband after what she did to me?!?! 
  5. Mrs. Cleaver left her son behind telling her husband “I do not want bothered, I have done this for long enough, this stupid mother business.  I want to party and have a good time.”


I have never cheated on my husband.  At any point and time that I did anything that could be construed as questionable, he was on the other side of the country carrying on.  I am nothing like her.  He left me.  What I did from that point on wasn’t while being “in” any relationship. 


And lastly, despite all of this, I would allow my son to speak to Stevie, because as much as I’d like to erase it all, I will not allow my son to hurt if I can change anything for him. 

If he’s lost his best friend, it was due to nothing I did.  It was the actions of his father and not me.  And the saddest part is my son knows this as well.  And he idolizes his father and this Stevie issue must be so hard for his 9 year old soul to deal with.


It all just makes me ache inside and wonder about my capacity for forgiveness towards other people in the light of how much I am judged unfairly.


Whew, now I have a f’n headache…




9:28 a.m. ::
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