metal wings
Monday, Dec. 30, 2002
I want to find the words for how I feel right now and twist them, rape them, pillage them into something prettier than what it going on around me. I have met my match and it is myself. I am my own worst enemy. It has all fallen in. Caved in around me. The idea that I am strong and can cope and carry on,�.is simply gone.
I can't fall to sleep, then I can't wake up, I can't eat but then I curl up inside the hunger pains, I don't have any more answers and I stopped caring about the questions. The walls sigh and I yell back at them..."shut up..shut up...I already know!"
I can no longer cope, no longer move. I am immobilized with fear and insecurity. Past due bills loom like large hurricanes ready to pounce on me. The ceiling moves downward all night until I can no longer breath and cold sweats move over me. I scream out and yet the only thing that thunders in my ears is silence. I roll back and forth across a big empty bed of water where I used to make love like sailboats chasing each other on the ocean.
All the ways it used to be haunt me. Like one big myriad of the past. A large scale video replaying before my eyes. I want what I had and its been gone so long and yet I mourn and rampage through the isles in my memory to find pieces of what used to be. Trying to hang on�.just hang on long enough to get to what is yet to come.
I found out that I am alone, and I am not enough when I can no longer cope. Don't tell me how to cope when you no longer know.
I want to wave at big metal wings
know that he�s going somewhere
where love is all there is.
I want a drug,
a new kind of cure
for all of this.
-PoeticaL
and i fell
i finally admitted
i can't do this without help
i sent out my s.o.s.
but here i am
alone
myself
