PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

milemarker

Monday, Aug. 21, 2006
Iím having surgery on Friday morning early. I have to be at the hospital at 5:30 a.m. This is not the biggest news of the day though. That news is that Iím draggin ass. Iím so freaking tired all the time. Tired as in by the time I get home Iím barely able to crawl to the couch and pass out. I sleep for hours and then have to will myself awake to not lose touch with life. I think the emotional stress has taken itís toll. I am somewhat relieved and still I am tired. So very tired.

I called the surgery coordinator this morning and she told me ďSeptember 20thĒ I flipped out. I have already signed a L.O.A. for school and that canít go beyond 30 days. And then this person is telling September after the doctor tells me ďprior to the end of AugustĒ. Everything regarding your health is so much in someone elseís hands that itís tiring and frustrating. I told her this was absolutely unacceptable and that the doctor had told me this could not wait until after August and so why was I then waiting? She told me sheíd call me back in 20 minutes. Then she calls back in ten to tell me that itís on Friday. I have a pre-op meeting at the hospital at 9 a.m. on Wednesday. This will be another hectic week of trying to get all caught up at work so that I donít leave my counterpart in the lurch. I feel guilty about that too. Iíve been constantly worried about something over the last few weeks. Itís never ending. Worried about the oís then worried about school, then taking an FMLA at work and on and on and on and on and on and on the on and so on. Enough I say!

Iím so ready to be knocked out and then I intend to tell myself I am on maximum shut down. Hand me a box of dry cheerios, a pitcher of water, the remote control and leave me be. I intend to rest rest rest. Rebuild my internal strength and will. I feel very fortunate and hopeful that the doctor will not find anything more for me to worry about and that within weeks I can begin to take medication and get my hormones balanced out and get healthy. I canít wait. It is that mile marker that I am visualizing the most right now. The inevitable somedayÖ.

Rick and I have begun to venture into territory that we had been so long afraid to imagine and speak about out loud. The what if's of "what if?" we do get pregnant. What plans will we make? What must we cover? Think about? Consider?

The trepidation is still there, but the possible joy is beginning to wash it away.....

9:51 p.m. ::
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