cluttering the net since 2001

i miss the leaves in fall

Sunday, Oct. 19, 2003
My weekend was a relatively quiet one. I had to work ½ a day yesterday but outside of that I haven’t done much except clean up the apartment. Today was a beautiful fall day in Florida. Totally beautiful. It was cooler but still absolutely sunshine filled and blue skies all around.

I’ve been feeling melancholy lately. Like I want to travel. I’m feeling like I need a vacation and that I need to go home. I want to see my grandparents. I want to get on a plane and feel the earth leaving me. I want adventure. I want something….

Wanting is what leads me to always ache inside. Why is it that I can’t seem to ever be content? I am and then one breath later I’m not. And then tomorrow I’ll feel content again, but right now I want to pack my bags and go somewhere.

I want to mail out postcards and write “wish you were here” and not mean it at all. I want to laugh as I drop them into the mailbox.

Bucky was here last night. Then today he went to some sort of boat race with his dad and then he came back for awhile but he was so tired he was out of it. He fell asleep on the porch on my blue chair. One minute he was awake and then I walk out there and he’s passed out. That fast.

BF and I are doing well. Well…it would appear we are both trying much harder to be what it is that we both want to be. And I think that is “together” and working on things in a manner that is not harmful to either of us.

I have 6 domestic violence classes left. Only 6. Last week the teacher infuriated me, which is ridicules if you think about it. I told her my solution to feeling angry and wanting to hit my ex was for us to never be in the same room or area alone whereby something could anger me. She stated that I needed to obtain the necessary skills to avoid such altercations. I don’t see the difference if the outcome is that I avoid being pushed to the edge and wanting to hit anyone. The interaction that she and I had was going to that place where I get impatient and want to remove myself from said situations and I flat out did just that. I calmly stated “you are making me angry and so I will be leaving the room now until I can sit in the same room with you without feeling this way.” She didn’t object. I left the room and went outside and smoked a cigarette and ya know I only do that when I’m extremely agitated. All that “time out” shit wouldn’t have saved me from going to jail. No one in there can advise you as to what to do when someone is holding you beyond your desire to be held somewhere. They talk a lot of shit about walking away and taking a time out and counting to ten, but hell if anyone has yet to tell me how I should have dealt with ex holding me against my truck against my will and not allowing me to leave. Not one suggestion…. Would appear to me to be a big waste of my time. 6 weeks to go…..and I’m not going back to that bitch's class. Incidentally I hate when someone is telling you how to cope with or deal with anxiety, anger and divorce and all the aftermath of said divorce whenever they’ve never been fucking divorced. Um…time out here….

ahhh…ok I got some coffee and I’m back. I’ve been doing a lot of thrift shopping and I want to paint the walls of the apartment. I doubt that’s going to happen though cause I’m sure BF will object. Hmm….maybe not.

I finished reading the vampire novel and it was excellent. I’m going to be doing some book reviews soon. I’ve read quite a few books in the last few weeks that I haven’t discussed or mentioned here. No time…sometimes even though I’m only working one job I feel like all I do is work. At least sometimes that’s how it feels. When you work 6 days a week it does tend to feel that way even if its only 40 hrs that you just worked. Odd how that works.

Ok…I’m outta here my next entry is about books and I’m gonna go work on it now.

8:50 p.m. ::
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