cluttering the net since 2001

moving on with life

Tuesday, Oct. 22, 2002
Anyone that knows me or has been reading this diary knows that I have been struggling with finding the right path for the last 3 years now. I have tried to work it out, accept it, move on, get out of it.. I have run the entire length of a thousand football fields trying to find my way and always ended up feeling like I was on a treadmill going nowhere. I have been working a job that paid enough that I could never get any assistance but not enough that I could simply move out and take my son with me. I wanted to go to school and take up web design, but the time and money involved was always too cost prohibitive. I would save up enough money to pay for a class here or there and then not have the cash for the book. Or I would be all signed up for a course and then have to pay a major bill that came along. Or the day I was supposed to pay for class my car would break down.

When I got married 11 years ago I had the notion that we would have a family and god willing he’d just be able to provide and I’d stay home and take care of our kids. I had this idyllic viewpoint of how it would all be. It never turned out like that.

What I got was a rat race of day to day working at jobs I barely liked. Jobs that always left me feeling used and unable to move forward. Sure I was a good worker and got a few raises here and there. I would get 50 cents and think wow I got a raise. Then I would realize that it was not even enough to buy my son a nice new pair of chucks. Then I’d fall into a state of depression like I was a failure or something.

One time I got the idea that I would write personalized poetry for people. I’m a decent writer, I could make some extra cash. What a fiasco. I would write something and the person wouldn’t like it or they’d always say, “great job, I’ll pay you later.” Later never came and because I was selling to my friends (who else would pay for poems?) I would end up with wasted time and no extra money.

For the longest time all I’ve wanted was to move to NC and go to college there. Be near “him” and have a chance to see if there was something more to the last 3 years of our internet relationship. To date it never happened mainly because of money issues.

In the last few years and months a lot of unfortunate things have happened. My father died at age 52. 52! Life is just so short. I’ve watched ‘t’ stuck at war, my being fearful for his life. I have seen husband get ill with a debilitating disease that is taking its toll on his health and he’s only 38! I’ve seen my son start to talk about going to college. College? Where in the world was I going to come up with college money when I was just trying so hard to keep inflated tires on the pussy car? All these things pointed to the same problem I’ve been struggling with for the last few years. No money. Money doesn’t buy happiness but money can buy peaceful happy times. And time….. it’s far too precious to waste. I stopped and thought what the hell was I doing with all of mine?

I found a program online one day. I inquired about it, bought it and then I followed everything it told me to do. I was unsure, but I was determined and I was more afraid of not ever having the things I wanted in my life. I wanted extra money and this seemed like a great way to do that without having to pay for a babysitter every time I picked up a few extra hours worth of work. And I didn’t have to dress up or put on high heels and smile at anyone to make some easy money.

Right now, even though all the details of my future plans are sketchy, I am very confident that because of this program I found I am going to be moving to NC and “he” and I are going to go to the movies and maybe if “he’s” nice I’ll make him some dinner. Onion soup? Chicken in a box? ;-) Oh hell with that, I can afford to take “him” out to dinner now. He might have to prove to me that he really did stop wearing jeans every single day.

For those of you that have read my diary from its inception a year ago…you know well that “he” and I have been through a lot together. This program is going to put us together in the same town. So we can be friends who are afforded the convenience of a local phone call for a change! No more Sprint PCS bills with 250 minutes on em! Well, one thing though…at least now if I got a major bill like that I could afford to pay for it. But I think it’s going to be pretty kewl when I can get in my new car and drive down the street ten minutes and knock on his door and mess up his oh so perfect hair. That is if I get brave enough to touch the hair. Maybe I’ll just lick all his vitamins and put ants in his sugar bowl and feed the beta fish some raisins. No matter what I do from this point on, I know I have the extra income and the means to have a better life.

This program will be the reason that my book gets self-published. The reason that I will be able to save money for Bucky’s college education, and the reason that I can be a single mom without constant fear of where the next happy meal is coming from.

What program am I talking about?

This one…

It was easy. As easy as typing this was. I think packing my bags to move to NC will be a lot tougher than it was to come up with the income to change my life has been. We all know I’m still not college educated. I still don’t drive a Mercedes…YET!!!!! But it’s nice to have enough money in my pocket to know I have a future worth looking forward to without working my life away or being at someone else’s mercy all the time. Enough money to not just jump a plane and spend the weekend, but I can pack up the marshmallows and go where I wanna be.

If “he” read this I’d say thanks for believing in me…and for helping me. I guess I’ll have to wait ‘til I can tell him in person. Someday...is soon.

12:19 a.m. ::
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