cluttering the net since 2001

my sounds

Tuesday, Mar. 05, 2002
The nights are getting easier to sleep through. Ok ok so they’re not and I’m lying but it sounded good. It sounded like what I wish I could be saying. Getting up at 6:30 a.m. to open the door for “Bucky” is getting easier too. Ok ok damn it so that’s a lie too. ;-)

I’m getting my computer hooked up tonight. I can’t wait for that because surfing makes me sleepy and since I can’t sleep so well, that might help. Last night I talked to James for a while. When he hears me on the phone he’s so happy to hear from me. He always greets me with a big warm “hi hon…how was your day?” It makes me feel very wanted. He tells me about his day…I tell him about mine. I can talk to him about anything and everything without questioning whether he’ll be acceptable of it. That’s a nice feeling. The more I talk to James the more I think that “him” sucks!

I know I won’t be spending my precious money to speak to “him” again. It’s all different now and he’s not worth my time or my dime! Yes I love him…but I love my husband too. And I love myself more than I love anyone else anymore…except maybe for “Bucky”.

Last night Bucky came to my place to hang with me for a while. He helped me organize my CD’s. He’s so kewl about helping me do that sort of stuff. Husband brought over my computer and my computer desk and hooked it all up for me. I was watching him crawling around on the floor. He had my favorite jeans on. The ones I bought him for Christmas. Silver tab Levi’s that are snug around his ass and crotch but loose around his legs. I was watching the muscles in his arms flex and release while he was oblivious to my gaze. Bucky decided to stay with me while his Dad went home to work on some truss designs.

An hour and a half later I took Bucky back to the house and asked if I could go lay down on “our” bed. That’s exactly what I said. “Can I go lay down on our bed?” He said, “sure”. That bed felt soo good. My regular crib. Ahhhhhh. I was in heaven all squished down in my warm waterbed. I listened to all those sounds. You know the ones. The dogs scratching themselves, the TV in the living room, the fan on the ceiling. All of the “taken for granted” sounds. I started to cry these silent tears rolling down my face. My house, my family, my sounds….and I left it all.

Then husband came down the hallway and crawled onto the bed with me. I reached out to him instinctually. It felt nice. It felt right. He kissed me. Again with his entire mouth just like the other day. Tongues dancing, deep kissing. The stuff we did when we dated. The stuff we did back when we were happy. Fingers and hands and flesh against flesh. Maybe I just miss home, maybe I just miss him. That him that touches me that way. The him that kisses me that way. The him that I fell in love with that way on February 17, 1991.

We ended up tucking Bucky into bed together. Then we ended up back on “our” bed making love. And then I had to get up from our bed and get dressed and go home. Driving to my apartment wondering just wondering about it all.

Then I got “home” (that word still confuses me right now…where and what is home?) and took a long hot bubble bath and wished husband was with me in that bathtub. Am I falling in love with him again or what? Did I have to leave him to realize I love him? Does he love me back or did he just want laid? I can’t believe the latter because of the way he was…he was kissing me and holding me and touching me….and all that good stuff…

If I’m not confused then nobody is.

One last thing, James told me last night that he’s thinking of driving from NC to FL next weekend. His parents live in Orlando and I said, “Oh are ya comin’ to see your parents?” He said, “if it’s up to me, they won’t ever even know I was in Florida.” …. *gulp*

Look in my eyes for the answers - typical
I can feel it underneath like a miracle
Everbody in the world needs more than
Lies and consequences to power them
Once again,it's me and no one else
I can't remember if there was a someone else
It's not mine,it's not fair,it's outta my hands
And it's shaking - you'll never take me
Disaster Piece - Iowa
12:45 p.m. ::
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