cluttering the net since 2001

"I never want to hurt you I know that"

Thursday, Jan. 10, 2002
Thanks Jess for opening up to me….for showing me that I didn’t know you any better than you knew me. But I believe that has changed. I know that your words have helped me and I thank you for your honesty and candor.

I’d also like to thank ninepoems for her words… When two people connect on a positive level it's ridiculous to ever say goodbye. I agree.

“Bucky” is home and he’s safe and sound. And if you’re privy to one of my slide shows…there’s a new cam in my house and get ready…..

And now for the sappy stuff…..

it amazes me….he amazes me…when I fall on my knees and pour out my deepest fears and pains….he says the absolute most beautiful thing anyone’s ever said to me….nope…not “I love you”…..it’s the sentence that’s bold. Tears sprang to my eyes…no one’s ever said that to me. In the simplicity of that line…is everything. Everything we all hope that is true and real in this world.

Me: but listen...I think that I have to look a certain way or your not gonna want to be my friend.... is that true?
Me: nope its not true
Me: I know its not
Me: but because I fear it
Me: its like I start to fucking believe it
Him: you have to want a certain way for you
Him: and when you are happy with who you are how you look the rest will come naturally
Me: I know that
Me: if I didn't I'd be insane by now
Me: i woulda let myself run away from you
Me: I wanted to do that ya know
Me: I contemplated that
Me: just disappear
Me: no bullshit goodbye sob phone call
Me: nothing
Me: just poof gone
Me: but I'm not trying to run away from you
Him: why should you
Me: I'm trying to find the easy way around the constant struggle
Me: and there just isn't any
Me: you just have to work fucking hard
Me: believe in yourself when no one else does
Him: the struggle is within yourself nothing to do with me
Me: I know that
Me: but don't you see
Him: like I said we all have to kill our own snakes
Him: in our own way
Me: being around you.......you're smart...you know what's going on with me
Me: you can read me like a fucking book
Me: turn the pages at will
Me: you call it all the time
Me: I can't fool you
Him: you don’t always agree with me
Me: that doesn't matter
Me: you still know
Him: yes I do
Me: I argue cause it pisses me off that you can do that
Me: and I'm so fucking clueless sometimes about you
Him: not too much of me is out in the open
Me: I think you're very afraid
Him: Theres no billboard sign with lights over me
Me: I honestly think that I matter to you and that scares you a lot sometimes
Him: I never want to hurt you I know that
Me: I know that
Me: I've always known that
Me: That’s a mutual feeling

I’ve messed up so many times along the way in this relationship of “him” and he’s stuck by me and I know he’s opened up to me in ways he does rarely with or for anyone else. I know that it’s a rare and once in a lifetime meeting of the minds. Sometimes I literally just revel in all that is good about it. The laughter…the understanding….the support…the smiles….the depth of communication. I also never thought I’d say this but I’m glad he doesn’t have a billboard sign with lights. He’d be drawing the masses. I always feel like the only girl with a ticket to his show. It’s a very nice feeling. I know what he’s showing me is something special. It’s not something that’s a community prize.

By the way I got him a magazine with Alan Jackson on the cover…he’s gonna freak when he sees it. In a good way…. ;-) I love doing those little things for him. From what I can tell..no one else ever has.


If I could hold you tight
I'd have the world tonight
Everything would be alright
If I had you
-Alan Jackson
1:36 a.m. ::
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