PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

"I never want to hurt you I know that"

Thursday, Jan. 10, 2002
Thanks Jess for opening up to me�.for showing me that I didn�t know you any better than you knew me. But I believe that has changed. I know that your words have helped me and I thank you for your honesty and candor.

I�d also like to thank ninepoems for her words� When two people connect on a positive level it's ridiculous to ever say goodbye. I agree.

�Bucky� is home and he�s safe and sound. And if you�re privy to one of my slide shows�there�s a new cam in my house and get ready�..

And now for the sappy stuff�..

it amazes me�.he amazes me�when I fall on my knees and pour out my deepest fears and pains�.he says the absolute most beautiful thing anyone�s ever said to me�.nope�not �I love you��..it�s the sentence that�s bold. Tears sprang to my eyes�no one�s ever said that to me. In the simplicity of that line�is everything. Everything we all hope that is true and real in this world.

Me: but listen...I think that I have to look a certain way or your not gonna want to be my friend.... is that true?
Me: nope its not true
Me: I know its not
Me: but because I fear it
Me: its like I start to fucking believe it
Him: you have to want a certain way for you
Him: and when you are happy with who you are how you look the rest will come naturally
Me: I know that
Me: if I didn't I'd be insane by now
Me: i woulda let myself run away from you
Me: I wanted to do that ya know
Me: I contemplated that
Me: just disappear
Me: no bullshit goodbye sob phone call
Me: nothing
Me: just poof gone
Me: but I'm not trying to run away from you
Him: why should you
Me: I'm trying to find the easy way around the constant struggle
Me: and there just isn't any
Me: you just have to work fucking hard
Me: believe in yourself when no one else does
Him: the struggle is within yourself nothing to do with me
Me: I know that
Me: but don't you see
Him: like I said we all have to kill our own snakes
Him: in our own way
Me: being around you.......you're smart...you know what's going on with me
Me: you can read me like a fucking book
Me: turn the pages at will
Me: you call it all the time
Me: I can't fool you
Him: you don�t always agree with me
Me: that doesn't matter
Me: you still know
Him: yes I do
Me: I argue cause it pisses me off that you can do that
Me: and I'm so fucking clueless sometimes about you
Him: not too much of me is out in the open
Me: I think you're very afraid
Him: Theres no billboard sign with lights over me
Me: I honestly think that I matter to you and that scares you a lot sometimes
Him: I never want to hurt you I know that
Me: I know that
Me: I've always known that
Me: That�s a mutual feeling


I�ve messed up so many times along the way in this relationship of �him� and he�s stuck by me and I know he�s opened up to me in ways he does rarely with or for anyone else. I know that it�s a rare and once in a lifetime meeting of the minds. Sometimes I literally just revel in all that is good about it. The laughter�the understanding�.the support�the smiles�.the depth of communication. I also never thought I�d say this but I�m glad he doesn�t have a billboard sign with lights. He�d be drawing the masses. I always feel like the only girl with a ticket to his show. It�s a very nice feeling. I know what he�s showing me is something special. It�s not something that�s a community prize.

By the way I got him a magazine with Alan Jackson on the cover�he�s gonna freak when he sees it. In a good way�. ;-) I love doing those little things for him. From what I can tell..no one else ever has.

PoeticaL


If I could hold you tight
I'd have the world tonight
Everything would be alright
If I had you
-Alan Jackson
1:36 a.m. ::
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