PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

...good morning...have a nice day honey

Wednesday, Jul. 16, 2003
You are always upset with me. You always make me feel like I canít do anything right. I try and try to keep things lighthearted and then something happens, something Iím not even told about and then whamÖIím being scrutinized again. (scrutinized = To examine or observe with great care; inspect critically.) Itís not as if I try to say things that will upset you, itís not as if Iím trying in fact Iím usually afraid to say anything at all. Iím afraid Iíll get that disapproving look again and then my emotions will be in a tailspin again.

Let me just set something straight. Iím a woman going through a divorce, dealing with the new arrangements with my own child after ten years of having free access to his life, I am working 2 jobs totally too many hours every week, all my friends are male because I have female relationship issues. I like to spend my spare time writing on the computer, surfing the internet, reading books. I spend my spare cash on new books. I like to go out to dinner, see a movie, walk in the park, be greeted with a smile. And now this is all sounding like a personal ad, but the fact is this is who I am. I say things that are glib, Iím a smartass and I donít always mean anything Iím saying.

I have a ton of relationship issues. I can blame them on lots of things, but regardless this is me. You knew this from the beginning.

Iím taking a new drug for me, Iím trying to overcome and cope with clinical depression for the first time in my life. I am changing in that way, but I will not apologize for my illness. I can only state that I realize I am no fun to deal with. I am sorry for things I have done to you and around you because of my own problems.

I care about you. I have chosen to make you a part of my life. Why canít that choice ever be enough for you to know that you were chosen? Why am I always feeling like I canít win with you. Why do I always feel like thereís a huge gap in our communication skills.

If you went to sleep last night bothered by something I did or said, thatís not entirely my fault. You didnít tell me, you didnít attempt to resolve it. You didnít even let me know about it. I am always the one bowing down apologizing for things. I am sorry that youíre again upset with me, Iím sorry that we have this gap, but Iím frustrated as well. Iíve been through so much shit in the last 3 years, canít we just talk like two adults and skip this stuff that keeps happening?

I am who I am, you are who you are, but we donít have to be what we are becoming. Why not try just telling me when things are bothering you, talking to me openly and honestly and right away? Why harbor bad feelings for hours and feel hurt alone for things Iím not even aware of.

I love you.
8:53 a.m. ::
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