...good morning...have a nice day honey

You are always upset with me. You always make me feel like I can�t do anything right. I try and try to keep things lighthearted and then something happens, something I�m not even told about and then wham�I�m being scrutinized again. (scrutinized = To examine or observe with great care; inspect critically.) It�s not as if I try to say things that will upset you, it�s not as if I�m trying in fact I�m usually afraid to say anything at all. I�m afraid I�ll get that disapproving look again and then my emotions will be in a tailspin again.

Let me just set something straight. I�m a woman going through a divorce, dealing with the new arrangements with my own child after ten years of having free access to his life, I am working 2 jobs totally too many hours every week, all my friends are male because I have female relationship issues. I like to spend my spare time writing on the computer, surfing the internet, reading books. I spend my spare cash on new books. I like to go out to dinner, see a movie, walk in the park, be greeted with a smile. And now this is all sounding like a personal ad, but the fact is this is who I am. I say things that are glib, I�m a smartass and I don�t always mean anything I�m saying.

I have a ton of relationship issues. I can blame them on lots of things, but regardless this is me. You knew this from the beginning.

I�m taking a new drug for me, I�m trying to overcome and cope with clinical depression for the first time in my life. I am changing in that way, but I will not apologize for my illness. I can only state that I realize I am no fun to deal with. I am sorry for things I have done to you and around you because of my own problems.

I care about you. I have chosen to make you a part of my life. Why can�t that choice ever be enough for you to know that you were chosen? Why am I always feeling like I can�t win with you. Why do I always feel like there�s a huge gap in our communication skills.

If you went to sleep last night bothered by something I did or said, that�s not entirely my fault. You didn�t tell me, you didn�t attempt to resolve it. You didn�t even let me know about it. I am always the one bowing down apologizing for things. I am sorry that you�re again upset with me, I�m sorry that we have this gap, but I�m frustrated as well. I�ve been through so much shit in the last 3 years, can�t we just talk like two adults and skip this stuff that keeps happening?

I am who I am, you are who you are, but we don�t have to be what we are becoming. Why not try just telling me when things are bothering you, talking to me openly and honestly and right away? Why harbor bad feelings for hours and feel hurt alone for things I�m not even aware of.

I love you.