cluttering the net since 2001

nightmares drink me..they eat me....i swear

Tuesday, Sept. 21, 2004
Sometimes I wonder what it’s all about and what it’s all for and why I keep hanging in there for more. More of what seems to be pain always more of it. I’m collecting tears and disappointments and loneliness and there’s no more room inside of me to take it all in. I’m overflowing and spilling forth after midnight.

I have so much to give and no one here to give it to. I’ll lay there all night praying for sleep to come take me away from my reality. Work…just work some more, and then go to work, come home from work, be at work, think about going to work, and then work again and while at work think about my other work and how I’ll go back there in the morning to do some more work. Tell myself I’m not bad to work so much, that it doesn’t make me bad to want to fix things..to make them better.

Why the fuck couldn’t I figure it all out sooner, sooner rather than this later that feels always too late and I can’t get to you to tell you, I can never be heard….I’m a phone call never connected, a voice always silenced by circumstance. I want to walk outside and scream your name until you arrive, like you knew I needed you to come just look right at me for awhile.

I want arms….your arms around me tonight…..just like last night and I want to think about nothing, I want to remember how safe it is there in your arms, remember how you turn over to sleep, your back against me…..and I want to push those things away because remembering is sometimes harder because then I remember what I miss….all that I miss….and how it’s always midnight and I’m not Cinderella and this pumpkin keeps taking me back home alone.

Tomorrow I’ll fill that prescription for sleeping pills before I lose my mind. Before I end up a whino in a cardboard box talking about how I once had a life and I didn’t know how to keep it. I once had all the worlds love and then it all got away…. I’ll eat pork and beans from a can and brush my gray hair and talk about this little dog that laid next to my back and made my heart ache even more….

let my tears be for something….someday

Do you know that while your muscles atrophy and ache and you sleep, with each breath that you inhale I cry for you? I cry every single night sometimes with no tears, sometimes inside my glass of grapes and sometimes I just smear my tears all over my face with the backs of my hands hoping my keyboard doesn’t rust away before I can tell you I love you once more…

I sleep through nightmares about babies crying, I write them all down like the doctor says, and then I wake up or seem to and I walk down the hallways I’ve lived in in the past and I find you, holding a blanket and butterflies escape through your eye sockets and open lips when you smile at me. I’m screaming and there’s nothing bundled up but bones….and when I wake up there’s nothing and no one and I’m suckling at nectar that numbs me and I’m praying for dawn and the strength to go on working and toiling for something that might come again….please god don’t give to taketh away, please take everything bad that I am and leave something good behind for those that I love…..someday let them smile about something I said on a good day…let me sleep peacefully enough to get thru this night…this one here…that I’m fighting …

12:38 a.m. ::
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