no fear?
Thursday, Jan. 02, 2003
Ok so I have finally determined that no one understands the spot in which I sit, the complexity that it entails for me. I have been given the gift of choice. The gift of having my own decision. Something I mourned for so long. Something I resented losing for my entire adult life.
The world is my oyster and I�m so busy with my anger that I�m dousing my vagina with gasoline just because I�m so damn used to only feeling the pain.
I can do anything I want. I can be anything I want. I can stay here, move away, I can get a flat, a loft, a house. I could have my son, borrow my son, lend him out for fun and parties. I have been given the gift of self choice by husband.
His words�
�I want to go down my path and fix myself, make the wrongs right, and I want you to do the same. I am not leaving you, I am trying to help you as well as myself. I am trying to help everyone involved.�
Now I got a curve ball and I don�t know what to do with it. I am befuddled by the absolute possibilities that were just given to me. None of which will be easily attained by just my mere decision to grab ahold. But I�m so damn used to someone else deciding for me�.
So I�m now swimming in that gasoline just to feel that old familiar burn.
Sometimes still when I look at him I see that look he gets on his face and I remember that night at the Valley Dairy when he proposed without a ring, without a clue and I recall how I wasn�t afraid of life back then.
My fears have made me stumble, fall and get lost. I lost myself being afraid to be myself.
Now that I can be�.I just don�t know what it is that I want to be.
It wasn�t easier when someone else did it though, it was just done without my needing to find myself first. Lost looking for answers is not easy.
I suppose part of all of this is trust, which is so fleeting in this mangled marriage. But just imagine if I wasn't afraid.
What would you do if you weren't too afraid?
I can only say that no one will ever begin to understand he and I. Most people think if you can't make it work you have to hate each other, steal children away, talk shit and be angry forever.
News flash...I love him. I'll always love him, I just hope I find a healthy way...
