PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

i don't need any glasses just to have a drink

Friday, Dec. 27, 2002
I have a few things on my mind and yet I don�t feel like talking about being ignored. Paybacks are hell. That�s all I can say. Why is it that the guys you aren�t interested in insist on being interested in you? And then there�s only one person I am interested in and I always feel like I have to fight for that. I just hate how that always feels like that�s how it really is. Even if its not. I said hello twice�that�s one too many. Fuck it. I�m not interested in that anymore.

I got a different bracelet. I don�t know how I feel about this one. It�s pawnable and that�s always a good thing. Pawnable and bankable and nothing I would pick for myself. And yeah I�m ungrateful and pissy about it and so what.

I think I�m going to move, get a new address, a new isp, a new phone number and say fuck all. I am so full of anger and resentment and bullshit feelings that I need to hole up in a room alone somewhere for a long long time and spit it all out onto blank pages and hollow walls and morph back into something that resembles normalcy.

Anger�it�s the biggest emotion I have right now. I want to smash things, and lately I have. I watch glasses shatter across my tile floors so often that I am now buying cans of drinks because the glasses are outnumbered by my anger. My shelves are bare and my heart is barbed wire. Anything and anyone that gets near and does anything questionable or wrong..makes me want to spew forth hot lava words. I want to scream and rant and rave and rip off the limbs of anyone that comes close to me.

Someone asked me tonight if he could hang out with me and I said yes. I looked forward to it, just buying someone coffee and talking about something that had nothing to do with my shit circumstances. And then he bailed. He had a change of plans, a change of desire, something moved away from his wanting to talk with me. And this shouldn�t have mattered. If you don�t want to talk to me..so what, who cares?? I do�sadly I always do. I have to learn to not care.

I am me. I�m pretty fucking amazing. I have tons of wonderful things to give, tons of pretty thoughts, a vast viewpoint on the world, and I am more than anything that has been taken away from me.

And I don�t want my back rubbed by someone that not only have I never met but someone that is supposed to worry about being my friend. I don�t want anything like that from anyone if truth be known. I want my skin to remember that we were happy once being virginal and alone. I want to find that peace within. I know that I need to find these things before I can ever again find anything worthwhile. Because right now I just want to rip someone�s face off and spew acid words through their brain. I have to get past this anger somehow. It�s so much bigger than me.

I pity the next person that tells me I�m having a pity party, because I�m not. This isn�t me pitying me. This is my finally letting myself feel angry about the shit that�s gone down in my life for the last 3 years. I�m now finally not hurting about it. I am fucking angry. And from what my former therapist told me, I will vacillate between these two and then one day I will be resigned and move on. Fuck I can�t wait for that day. Right now if I had Bernie the Therapists phone number I�d call him and ask him why my vacillation is like a see saw on a crowded playground. He�d talk to me about his bird analogies and I�d start to cry and he�d tell me we were progressing and at least I wouldn�t be hammering out a bunch of bullshit into a diary read by people I�ve never seen. Oh what a weak and sad existence I sometimes have.

I just walked around the corner and looked at my son sleeping on the marshmallow couch and yeah�ok �.I�m going to go download some more Leonard Cohen and call myself lucky again.

Don�t even try to talk to me; I am exercising my strength in not needing you, and I'm doing it with silence.

-PoeticaL
1:05 a.m. ::
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