cluttering the net since 2001

no more nightmares

Wednesday, Oct. 18, 2006
So last night with the husband….the one I love and adore. I told him all the things I’ve never had the guts to tell him. Exactly how scared I am sometimes and how I have “hawk” issues because I’ve been hurt and how I treat him poorly and hold back my feelings because I think that if I don’t let someone know how much they mean then they can’t hurt me. This is totally wrong to do on my part and I told him so. I admitted it. I didn’t use the term “hawk” because he’d use it against me I’m sure. But I did say things like, “I’m afraid if I tell you how much I love you or I show you how much I love you then I’m giving you the ability to hurt me and that’s crazy because you’ve never hurt me.” He was surprised, relieved….and said “Where is a tape recorder when I need one?” a few times. But I think it was good…no I know it was.

I think life is a series of issues that you obtain and let go of and just when you think you have them all swept away there are new things and new ways in which we grow as people.

I can really only say that last night I really connected with my husband and I really love that feeling. That feeling of I want to talk to you for hours and I don’t ever want to not feel you breathing next to me.

Marriage is something that I never truly understood until Rick….Oh I knew all about the legalities of someone doing shit and you’re being responsible for it. I knew the trapping feeling of a stupid piece of paper. That’s what a bad marriage does to you. It makes you think it’s like a jail sentence you didn’t earn. A crime you’re paying for in the form of a mistake you made and now can’t erase by pure want.

I hate to compare men and I don’t do that because there is no comparison. Did I love my ex? Yes…I did….for 2 months and then we got married and the very day afterward the truth of who he was started to reveal itself like an onion peeling its layers making me cry again and again and again. I loved the person that he pretended to be, not the him that he really is. That onion just about killed me. Those layers just about drowned my entire being forever. But that onion is long gone. You cannot love a pretend friend either. They have to be “real” and if they’re not it’s not your fault.

The fact remains that healing from that sort of thing just takes time. It may have been a perfect world whereby I had time to do that properly and without it affecting someone else. But then I met Rick, I wasn’t looking for him or expecting him or even wanting him. But then there he was and there was no turning away or turning back. Yes, to this day I believe that the reason why we had a break in our relationship was because that onion was looming over my head making me doubt everything I was and everything Rick is. It managed to cause harm simply because it takes time to deal with that kind of damage.

I suppose all this rambling is simply to say that I realize more now than I could fathom them. Pain makes you blind and weak and weary and unseeing. It makes you tired and untrusting and scared.

I’m no longer in pain. I’m really living in joy, holding onto the knowledge that as quickly as joy seems to appear sometimes agony can destroy your joy. The fear of that has been immense at times. When I got married last year I started to terrify myself. Thoughts of “Ok we’re married now….is he now going to change…is some secret going to be revealed.” It was torture. I even had reoccurring nightmares that I told no one about. I used to wake up in the middle of the night and wrap my arms around Rick…or just scoot across the bed and get closer….as though he might have disappeared in the middle of my bad dream. It was some crazy thoughts that ran through my head. I feared getting a phone call….being told that he owed someone money or that someone was after him or that he did some horrid thing he never revealed. Oh the power of secrets.

Somehow over the last 11 months I started to believe that no there was nothing I was going to find out. No horrible secret was coming to rip my life apart. I started to know more about Rick and our relationship. I started to have more and more joy and less and less nightmares and fears. And then yesterday that one conversation with a stranger whereby that stranger knew Rick and saw Rick the way I saw him therefore something inside my stupid psyche clicked…as if “wait….I’m not the only person that sees and knows how great he is.” Joy oh joy…….release from fear….release from doubt about my own personal judgment.

Ok so I’ve been insane and crazy and damaged…but last night I lay my face against my husband’s back, arms curled around him….his skin soft against my own flesh….and something inside me fused itself back together. Something tangible and real…something big and meaningful. Love is truly a gift when you’re fearless about opening that package with your eyes open.

I think that perhaps it’s important to mention that I met my ex-husband while he was on a work release program from prison. No one, including his parents, sister, etc. told me this information. He also did not tell me. He went to jail for embezzling money from a gas station he was the manager of. He did not mention that he was on probation until I quit my job, lost my family and was planning to move to Texas from PA with him. He then decided to tell me that he was waiting for his parole officer to give him release papers so that he could leave the state. This was AFTER we were married, not prior. Had we not been married or had I had a family at all, I would have left him right then that day. I recall staring out the window looking at some horses in a field across from where we lived in a crappy apartment thinking I just wanted to die... Of course the travel papers never came and he decided to bail on his parole and move anyway. No one ever pursued it then or now. He still owes thousands of dollars from a crime he committed in the late 80’s. Still…today….still…. There would be a long series of these revelations throughout the 12 years I spent with him. The kind of revelations that were really bad. The kind that made me half insane and untrusting of so many people and things.

My distrust issues have NOTHING to do with Rick being untrustworthy nor do I worry or have I ever worried that he would cheat. You’d just have to know Rick to know that that will never happen.

p.s. slightly unrelated….this guy is for sure a sociopath

10:40 a.m. ::
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