PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

no ring

Wednesday, Jun. 02, 2004
Ok I was pretty ok all night because I’m used to being here alone. But it just occurred to me that I’m usually here alone waiting for him to come home. I’m not usually here waiting for a week to go by.

I came home and made myself some dinner, thought about throwing on my new bikini (yah I bought myself a bikini…hoorah me) and going swimming, but I skipped it. I washed all the dishes, cleaned the coffee pot, moved some stuff around, then sat down on the couch and flipped channels. Within moments I was up wandering around the empty apartment. I spent some time talking to Chloe about “where’s Daddy huh girl huh?” I washed some more stuff in the washer even though I didn’t need to. I walked around. I sat down. I stared at the TV. I got a phone call from my friend Cathy. She gushed on an on about her new boyfriend Perry and so I faked a bad connection and got outta that call. I sat down, stood up, tried to calm down. And now here I am nearly hyperventilating about sleeping in that big bed alone….ack!

I could be reading books without getting those evil looks around the bedroom corner. I could be painting my toenails without someone watching me. I could be shaving my legs…(uh wait..no one to bitch at me about completely unseen but somehow still felt by the pro stubble..so that idea was thwarted), I could be mopping the kitchen floor, scrubbing the bathtub, organizing my makeup, straightening the bathroom closet, my shoes…books…CD’s…something could be straightened, including my hair. But ….I’m doing nothing like that. I am sitting on the couch, laptop in lap watching Clean Sweep (why oh why do people keep so much total shit?) doing nothing constructive.

He said he was gonna call me tonight….he said that when he did call right after work…and now it’s tonight …and so far no call….ugh. I’ve never had to worry or wonder if “he” was going to call me because “he” was mine from the first night on. And here I am worrying about whether he forgot all about me. Figures my abandonment issues would crop RIGHT up the first night he’s gone.

To make matters even weirder I just spent the last hour or so window shopping at wedding dresses. Yah…uh….he went to a wedding and so….it’s on my mind. But he hasn’t asked. He says I have to ask him. So…I figure that maybe if it’s that easy I’ll just ask him. But then again I am terrified of marriage after that last experience. So yah I just want to have a party and wear a pretty dress and get new stuff for the house.

Ugh it’s getting late…no phone ringing….
10:22 p.m. ::
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