PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

normal update..wow no chat

Monday, Aug. 26, 2002
It's Sunday evening/early Monday morning. Or uh something like that. It's been a nice weekend. I had a good time with “Bucky” and that always helps with the mental outlook on life.

After husband got back today I went out for awhile by myself. Went for a long walk around that track. Not a slow walk either. Just a brisk fast pace til I laid down on my back panting like a fool. It stinks to be in such bad shape. I swear..never again will I let myself be this bad.

I also went to the bookstore and had a decaf/skim coffee. It was good just to taste coffee. I’ve been cutting back and cutting out the caffeine. I sat at the counter and read my favorite magazine, Book. My favorite childhood author, Judy Blume was featured in there. She’s releasing a new book about this character, Fudge, a little boy, that I used to read when I was like 12 or something. I think I’m gonna have to get that series of books for “Bucky” and then I’ll have an excuse for buying the new book and reading it. ;-)

I also bought a book, Veronica by Nicholas Christopher. I already read 100 pages. I read 25 in the bookstore after the magazine. I think whenever I pick up a book and know nothing about it and nothing about the author and I just start to read and then I find that I can’t or don’t want to put the book down, the kind of book that I wish I had written, those are the kinds of books I buy. I have to say that this book is pretty awesome. The kind of book I would recommend even to a guy.

So far I haven’t delved into “House of Leaves” because every time I want to read it, I find that I am alone and then I’m all spooked by it and I just am afraid. I conquered the fear of buying it, now I have to conquer the fear of reading it. *shrugs* soon enough…

I realized today that my hair is getting too long in the front. Right now I am blowing it out of my face. I should get it trimmed but every time I go to do that, it seems like they just hack it all off and then I’m mad about it for weeks until it grows back. There’s like that two-week time frame where it’s almost perfect then WHAM it needs cut or something. I can’t win.

Ok so I’m tired and I’m rambling and I miss ‘t’ and it seems like mostly I always miss him and then I start to wonder if he miss’s me back or if I’m missing alone. That’s a pathetic thing to miss someone solitary like. I mean missing should be a team sport. But, sometimes there’s an MVP.

I’m hungry like crazy right now, but it’s nearing 2 a.m. and there’s just no way I’m eating right now. I can wait and listen to my stomach growling a little bit longer.

Today I called someone on my aim list. He listed his cellphone number and is local and so I just called him. And he said “you must have been pretty bored to wanna talk to me.” So just for the record, I don’t think anyone needs to be bored to wanna call him. But he pawned me off on this really kewl girl that I also know, a girl that should have a character written after her. I just don’t know if I’m good enough to pen such a character. She’d have to have glitter eyes and stars in her hair. She’d be a girl that drove a bitchin’ car and had a halo over her head in cartoon pictures in the margins. Bent, rusty and always falling off halo…but still an angel halo. Yeah….she’s …yeah..

Today my artist friend Greg called me when I was at the bookstore. Seems like every time I get coffee and sit at the sunny counter…Greg calls me from GA. His girlfriend is an opera singer and she was having some sort of party where all these upper class people were hanging out smoking clove cigarettes wearing lace gloves. He’s a wild and insane starving artist without a so called “real” job. So….thing of it is, he feels out of place so he goes outside and sits on the steps. After twenty minutes he realizes that she’s not following him and that she doesn’t care that he’s left said gathering. This upsets him. He’s a very sensitive “artist” type. So he calls me. He tells me where he is and that there’s a big tree dropping gross stuff on his white shirt he pressed for said gathering. He says, “kristy would you get up and walk out and see if I was ok?” I said the only thing I could think of. “I wouldn’t allow you to feel so out of my circle of friends that you felt like walking outside to start with.” He told me that when they are together it’s an amazing AMAZING thing. That they sit up for hours talking and that he feels amazing with her. But she told him in her scale of opinion he was only a 3 in appearance. And that she was attracted to him because he was the most beautiful person she ever met. What the fuck does that mean?? I get this image in my head of Greg sitting outside head down in his arms feeling unloved and it just breaks my heart. I told him I felt honoured that he chose to call me and tell me that he was feeling these things. He said, “I always come to you because you just have this way of understanding.” I wish I coulda done something more for him. It was one of those moments where you just have no words and know that there’s nothing you can do to fix a damn thing. But I’m still glad he called me.

I took some pictures for ‘t’ and cause I just wanted to have some sort of “after 65 lbs lost but before running” pictures on my pc to refer back to to hopefully inspire myself

I’m thinking that I wanna go lay down in the front yard for awhile and look at the stars. Feel the air on my arms and try to forget everything flying around inside my head. I think too much.

Yeah…I think I miss ‘t’. Did I say that? …yeah I did. It’s not good. I need to not do this to myself. Missing him is part of knowing him. Will and would be a part of it forever…. But maybe it’s not always bad to miss someone. It certainly makes you never take a person for granted.

Overall today was a bad day, I lost Josh today. I just wish…

-PoeticaL
2:05 a.m. ::
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