cluttering the net since 2001

no sleep til Monday!

Sunday, Sept. 18, 2005
It’s Saturday late night or is it Sunday 4 a.m. early morning? I don’t know but either way I just spent the last 4 ˝ hours writing my paper for class while both Rick and Keith slept. My son is absolutely too good of a kid to go through so much so young.

I keep thinking about what his neighbor so kindly said to me in the worst possible situations. A cop is standing on her front porch and she’s telling me how great my son is and how proud of me he is because I am in school. That moment keeps hitting me and I swear I will not live enough days on this earth to ever fully pay back anyone for how great my kid is. I really adore the way he speaks about me to other people who have never met me. It’s always positive and that makes my heart burst wide open with happiness.

I had my day planned out to get all chores and homework done and then concentrate on my son the rest of the night. Since things went awry and plans got changed I spent the evening with him looking at a silly dog book at the bookstore and giggling together and he drew tattoo’s on my leg and ankle and shoulder with his markers. Then while the world was sleeping I did school work. I know that someday I can sleep like a normal person again. I know that there’s always a payoff for the pain we once feel eventually.

Earlier tonight I cruised thru my old diary entries for information for my paper about critical thinking. I read entries from 2002 and man, my life sucked. I was so unhappy and so miserable and so hurt and so full of pain. I really had nearly forgotten how bad my ex made me feel. Perhaps there’s good reason for my spending night after night in those year documenting all of it. Perhaps not. As I read thru one particular entry it broke my heart all over again and I was wiping fresh tears. They were dark hours….

I have however learned to appreciate the good times I have now. To appreciate the happiness I now have.

Tonight while the two people I love dearly sleep I can only recall the beautiful way in which my son speaks about me to others and the calming effect Rick’s love has on me even in the worst of moments that cause me the most heartache and frustration. Again and again and again I say….I am a lucky girl even though it's after 4 a.m. and I haven't even gone to sleep yet! But my paper's nearly finished and my boys are happy!
4:29 a.m. ::
prev :: next