cluttering the net since 2001

notebook view

Thursday, Jan. 10, 2002
I’m sitting at work and our servers are down. So here I sit thinking. This is a bad thing for me because the minute I start to do that….it all goes bad. Last night “he” told me I should get a notebook and at the end of the day I should write down all the things that I did that were good things. And in a few weeks I’ll have reasons to feel good about myself. And it will all be in black and white.

The problem is, I’m supposed to be dieting. And I just ate a bacon egg and cheese bagel from McDonalds. I don’t think I can write that down. I didn’t get any sleep last night despite my new vow to go to bed early. I can’t write that down. So you see…unless something major changes in my life I am going to have nothing at all to write down in any notebook. Nothing. And being a writer, I already know that if I stare at a blank notebook nightly I will not feel better about myself.

Here’s the other problem with the notebook suggestion. I change my mind too much about what a cool looking notebook is and what it isn’t. So I’d be all caught up in the pretty paper issue. I would want to change it out too often. After all I am wasting a lot of time transferring stuff out of my ugly notebook into the purple suede journal book.

The last 6 days…have been strange because husband and I actually got along pretty well. We went out to eat a few times. We went to the movies. He was instrumental in finding a laptop for me that was affordable. He did a lot of the legwork. Last night we went out to dinner together before picking up “Bucky”. We talked about work, about the house and about “Bucky”, we talked about neutral things. Things that don’t cause big blow-ups. There are these moments when I am with him that feel good and right. But I have no desire to trust him or feel close to him. I think that maybe it’s just that we have spent 10 years together and the majority of that time was spent together away from all family. We counted on each other because there was no one else around. All we had was each other. That was it.

Ya know...after all this thinking I am led back to my original finding from long ago.

“I have so many hang ups I have clothespins falling out of my ass!”

I am transferring my notebook into my new suede journal. These were the poems and notes that I copied from books in the bookstore, emails, the Internet, friends…etc. Words that struck me to the very core. Words that I wanted to read again and again and again. Poetry….quotes..words….these things are the things that give me strength on weak days, a smile on sad days and something to think about when I just feel alone. I add to this book constantly, it’s a part of me. When I cruise bookstores, the Internet…my friends words…..I have things all over my pc saved in files. What a mess that is…that’s a nightmare of entangled words. This little purple poetical suede journal is my lifeline to my soul. I just typed this stuff out cause we had no working server for the morning. Enjoy.

One Art

The art of losing isn’t hard to master
so many things seemed filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
the art of losing isn’t hard to master.

The practice losing farther, losing faster
places and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mothers watch. And lost my last or
next to last, of three loved houses went.
the art of losing isn’t hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.

Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shant have lied. Its evident
the art of losing’s not hard to master.
though it may look like (write it!) like disaster!

-from the complete poems 1927-1979
Elizabeth Bishop

Fine Line

Truly at the end of my line
I have been
Spit on
And broken
Don’t ask me
If I’m ok
I can’t lie
And say
I’m fine.


“I know exactly what you
Need to do to be
Free of all of this.
But you probably
Wouldn’t like what I have to say.”
-Joe (my bud)

Man is not worried in the middle

(jack Kerouac)

man in the middle
is not worried
he knows his Karma
is not buried

but his karma
unknown to him
may end –

which is nirvana

wild men
who kill
have karmas
of ill

good men
who love
have karmas of dove

snakes are poor Denizens of hell
have come surreptitioning
through tall grass
to face the pool of clear frogs


many stars have fallen
in the years since
I was born
and many friends
have gone….
The light…..
weaker this morn

I want to die while you still love me
-Georgia Douglas Johnson

I want to die while you still love me
While yet you hold me fair
While laughter lies upon my lips
And lights are in my hair

I want t die while you love me
And bear to that still bed
Your kisses turbulent, unspent
To warm me when I’m dead

I want to die while you love me
Oh who would care to live
Till one has nothing more to ask
And nothing more to give

I want to die while you love me
And never ever see
The glory of this perfect day
Grow dim or cease to be

“I have seen love and been in love
I have had love torn from my
Heart like a book. Yet I continue
My quest that money can not buy
A companionship that unlike a
Beautiful flower or tree, does
Not die in the winter.”
(source unremembered)

“When I look to the sky and see a plane
I wish I was on board going somewhere I’ve
never been. I daydream hoping for the unexpected.
Truly believing its possible to have the person and things
I want out of the short time we have to be alive.

-Cris Guitterez (a once upon a time friend)

Eraser – NIN

Need you
Dream you
Find you
Taste you
Fuck you
Use you
Scar you
Break you
Hate me
Smash me
Erase me

(Trent….he’s the fucking man!)

“How sad to have lost you, to have lost
any chance of actually knowing you or remembering you over time
as a real person, as someone I could have grown deeply attached
to, maybe the brother I never had.”
– Louise Gluck (The Seven Ages)

Franz Wright is brilliance in simplicity!
Goodbye – Franz Wright

But I have overcome you
in myself
I won’t behave

like you, so you

can’t hurt me now;

so you are not

to hurt me again

and I, I can’t
to you.

Description of her eyes – Franz Wright

Two teaspoonfuls
and my mind goes
everyone can kiss my ass now

then its changed
I change my mind

Eyes so sad, and infinitely kind

Body Bag – Franz Wright

Like a condom in a pinch, one size fits all.

Address Search – Franz Wright

And you will find me
any night
now, try
at the motherless sky.

How dare you

I’m sorry
I was ever born.com

No doubt
You can always find
Me any
Time, any

in the damned world

you are carbon
and i could make a copy
of you
in any
any you
yes, i could
make a copy
of you
in any
any you

-ninepoems (she rocks!)

this girl is far more beautiful than she ever realizes…

“I loved a boy with a razor blade smile.”


“and I wonder where you are
on nights like these
when I hold shades of you
so close to me”


this quote…I read as often as needed…and then I repeat as necessary…

Do you know the difference
between involvement and

Think of eggs & bacon.

The chicken was involved.
The pig was committed.
-Martina Navratilova

I should get this tattooed on my flesh

“I’m a junkyard full of false starts” – Elliot Smith

the poem that prompted me to contact one of the best friends I’ve ever had….(the first timid exchange follows)

Swan Song
You are the forbidden swan
who has swum into my lake
the waters of my life
which once held waves of turmoil
now remain still and calm
in your presence
as your wings glide on the water
I feel you beauty
touch my intermost being
and wish for a love
that can never be
for you are the graceful swan
so beautiful your form
so perfect your movement on the water
that at times I forget everything
my problems
and start to enter the water
to swim to you
then I see my reflection
and retreat into the solitude
of loneliness
for you are too beautiful for me
and if the most gallant swan
is unworthy
then what of me
for I am just a lonely creature
hiding in the darkness
so scold me not
for loving you from my shadow
for it is all I can
in a love never meant to be
and where there is no tomorrow.

-Mad Prophet

Posted by me on August 04, 2000 at 09:26:31:
In Reply to: Swan Song posted by Mad on August 04, 2000 at 09:19:25:
can you email me?

Posted by Mad on August 04, 2000 at 09:40:58:
In Reply to: Re: Swan Song posted by me on August 04, 2000 at 09:26:31:

my computer is broken. So I will try .ok?

Posted by "what is your email address" on August 04, 2000 at 09:45:08:
In Reply to: Re: Swan Song posted by Mad on August 04, 2000 at 09:40:58:

I will try to email you.

Posted by me on August 04, 2000 at 09:49:32:
In Reply to: Re: Swan Song posted by what is your email address on August 04, 2000 at 09:45:08:



”Our thoughts wish for things to happen while our actions make things happen." - “him”

“I never want to hurt you I know that” – “him” (the newest entry!)


What is your ideas for captain
A girl in a flower dress
Whos face is a real mess
She scribbles my words
She scribbles the real words

I'd rather, I'd rather these were not my words
I'd rather, I'd rather, I'd rather, I'd rather
I'd rather, I'd rather, I'd rather, I'd rather
I'd rather, I'd rather, I'd rather, I'd rather
I'd rather, that these were not my words

11:49 a.m. ::
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