cluttering the net since 2001

not so good...but we're moving to better

Friday, Aug. 11, 2006
I have wanted to speak but have not wanted to speak and yet I need to vent and get it all out somewhere. My son is in school today and going on a snorkeling trip with his father tomorrow so I know that he will be busy and will not see (hopefully) anything I post today. I have felt that I cannot write about this on my diary as I haven't told my son anything yet. Finding the words and frame of mind to speak to him will be another matter to undertake soon.

I went to the specialist on Wednesday and was told that a normal ovary is 2 to 3 mm in size. My left ovary is normal but has cysts due to P.C.O.S. which I suspected I've had for awhile now. My right ovary is 11 mm and is not normal at all. They are going to remove it within the next two weeks. I go back to the doctor next Thursday to find out when I will have surgery but it will be prior to the end of August.

I spoke to my Aunt DeDe (on my Dad's side) and she advised that both her and my now deceased grandmother had benign cysts on their right ovaries and had to have them removed. My Aunt went on to have 3 kids and she also has endometriosis. My two first cousins, Wendy and Shelley have P.C.O.S. and Shelley had a baby after being diagnosed with P.C.O.S. and having one of her ovaries removed because of a benign cyst. I’m encouraged by my family’s medical history and don’t feel so frightened of the “c” word. But it’s there. I cannot lie.

My first priority is to be healthy. I'm scared and concerned about ovarian cancer, but we just have to wait and see. There's no definitive test for “o” cancer save for testing the matter they remove during surgery. It is a laparoscopic surgery and so long as they do not have to open me up the traditional method I'll be back to work in less than two weeks. I’m such a dedicated employee that I even asked the doctor if I could put off this surgery until the end of August. I was told a resounding “NO!”

My mind is pre-occupied and I'm still working and trying to finish up a current course. Then I have no choice but to take a 30 day break. I can always call them after ten days and ask them to schedule a course for me at that time but I think it's wise to give myself some leeway in the event of complications, etc. I was told that the worst case scenario is that I will be down and out for 4 to 5 weeks but I’m thinking positive due to all of my friends who have responded positively.

I have one key ingredient in my back pocket. My Italian grandmother has magical rosary beads and she’s thumbing them down to nothing as I type. I’m positive of it as my Aunt Kathy (on my mom’s side) broke the news to her. I could not bear to do it. I could not ever find the words to tell her potentially horrible news. It’s just that she’s my “Grammy” and I cannot hurt her or worry her. My Aunt has the magic “breaking things gently” touch and so I begged her to handle this for me.

Several times this week I have truly found out who my friends are and have realized that I often say I don’t have any and that I live a life of much solitude and I realize now I am so very wrong. I have good friends. The friends I have are true blue. I spoke to one of my friends I made while working where I work, Kelly. Kelly is working in Ohio for the same company. She gave me only positive feedback and input and told me about a few friends of hers that also had ovary problems. Fucking ovaries!!! Gah! I then called and spoke to the Jose. Jose is the “J” that left Florida a few months ago. His wife has very serious cancer that appears to be taking her life. Jose told me only positive feedback and boosted my positive outlook beyond any one else. He stated, “This will change you and that change will be phenomenal and wonderful and if you add that to who you already are you are going to be like a walking light bulb of beauty.” Woah!

My online friends and family have been awesome as well. I spoke to “him” and to Bry and to Krystal and to Dan. And I know that all of these people have only positive vibes they are sending out to me.

Rick is having some difficulties with thinking about anything until he has been informed. He is going to the doctor’s appointment with me next week to ask questions and be well informed first hand. I love him for this. I am having some difficulty talking to him about all of it because I do not want my fears to overtake his world. I need him to be tougher than me and this news, the potential outcome’s are something that I have to consider even though I don’t want to. He got angry with me for “googling” everything ovary related. But google…google can be your enemy as well as your friend when it comes to medical conditions and one must base their feelings and thoughts only upon what is going on with them precisely because you’ll find all sorts of freaky scary stuff on the Internet.

To the ass clown who told me recently “Thank god you may not be able to have any more ugly children now!” or some such rude comment….I have only this to say. My son is the most amazing human being on earth and has TWO parents who love him. I’d also love to use the words of my friend Kelly…

“You were always ok with the notion that you had one amazing kid and you even told me you were resigned to the idea that you may never be blessed with more children. The idea that you went to doctors and sought answers because you love Rick so much you want to do all of this for him, such a selfless act of love…..and that act might have saved your life or at the very least your health.

I can only wish anyone who has such cruel mean things to say….more love in this world as you obviously aren’t a happy person. My son has always been “enough” for me in the child department. I just can’t help but long for Rick to have that aspect in his life…to be a parent and have that experience is priceless.

One last thing….Krystal…you are the most amazing person ever! I need a “I like Krystal” sticker too!

I will try to get Rick to sit down with me so I can give him certain phone numbers he can call with updates so my friends know my status. I will also try to convince him to update my diary while I’m in the hospital. That may take some big bribery…. :-)

9:01 a.m. ::
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