PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

oops I friggin did it again.....damn me

Wednesday, Mar. 03, 2004
I lied to bf about something. It wasn�t something that was earth shattering but then again that�s MY opinion and I know from past experience that when someone has lied to me it really doesn�t matter at all WHAT they lie about. This would make lie #2 in the last year. Why did I lie to him? Because I don�t want to hurt him. Now if that doesn�t sound like the biggest crock of bull I�ve ever typed then I�ve typed a lot of crocks. I mean that is why I lied but sure isn�t any kind of defense, I�d never make a good attorney for the likes of the O.J.�s of this world with my arguments.

Bottom line, I need to just say things like they are and face the consequences, like instead of saying �no I never called so and so..� I should have just said it like it was �he called me and I called back to say please don�t call me it�s causing problems with my b.f. and I don�t like that it�s doing that because he matters to me so be respectful and don�t call me anymore.� Oh but that was such a long drawn out conversation and it seemed so much easier to say �I never called him� even though there he is standing there looking at the history on my cellphone. Like fucking duh, I have been him a million times in that same scenario so I surely understand.

It�s the possessiveness, the way I constantly feel like he doesn�t trust me or he�s hurting because my best friends are male. I know it�s hard to deal with. I know. He works in an industry female laden where women walk in by the droves at times. I know how he feels. So I lied to save his feelings, lied because it seemed easier and it�s really all bullshit in the end. I don�t like being lied to, but I lied to someone I love. I�m such a hypocrite. Aaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhh.

Ten to one the person will call me again just to make things more difficult on me. But ya know what, I�m not going to lie about it.

The only other thing I want to mention this morning is this. Last night I bought a new pair of pants. I put them on today for work. This morning my b.f. noticed my new �hippie� style pants immediately. He was looking at my butt, looking at my pants�he noticed. He notices everything I ever put on and if its new. (however the pants did distract him from my brand new shiny shoes�teeeheee) It�s nice to be with a man that notices that you�ve plastered or slathered yourself in new threads. I love that about him. I totally do love that about him.

I think I�ll go bang my head up against the wall for a few hours. I can�t believe I lied to him over something so lame�.. I�m sorry�two words that lose their value when they�re hanging in the air too often. But�I am sorry�.I hate myself right now.

-PoeticaL
8:37 a.m. ::
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