PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

oops I friggin did it again.....damn me

Wednesday, Mar. 03, 2004
I lied to bf about something. It wasn’t something that was earth shattering but then again that’s MY opinion and I know from past experience that when someone has lied to me it really doesn’t matter at all WHAT they lie about. This would make lie #2 in the last year. Why did I lie to him? Because I don’t want to hurt him. Now if that doesn’t sound like the biggest crock of bull I’ve ever typed then I’ve typed a lot of crocks. I mean that is why I lied but sure isn’t any kind of defense, I’d never make a good attorney for the likes of the O.J.’s of this world with my arguments.

Bottom line, I need to just say things like they are and face the consequences, like instead of saying “no I never called so and so..” I should have just said it like it was “he called me and I called back to say please don’t call me it’s causing problems with my b.f. and I don’t like that it’s doing that because he matters to me so be respectful and don’t call me anymore.” Oh but that was such a long drawn out conversation and it seemed so much easier to say “I never called him” even though there he is standing there looking at the history on my cellphone. Like fucking duh, I have been him a million times in that same scenario so I surely understand.

It’s the possessiveness, the way I constantly feel like he doesn’t trust me or he’s hurting because my best friends are male. I know it’s hard to deal with. I know. He works in an industry female laden where women walk in by the droves at times. I know how he feels. So I lied to save his feelings, lied because it seemed easier and it’s really all bullshit in the end. I don’t like being lied to, but I lied to someone I love. I’m such a hypocrite. Aaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhh.

Ten to one the person will call me again just to make things more difficult on me. But ya know what, I’m not going to lie about it.

The only other thing I want to mention this morning is this. Last night I bought a new pair of pants. I put them on today for work. This morning my b.f. noticed my new “hippie” style pants immediately. He was looking at my butt, looking at my pants…he noticed. He notices everything I ever put on and if its new. (however the pants did distract him from my brand new shiny shoes…teeeheee) It’s nice to be with a man that notices that you’ve plastered or slathered yourself in new threads. I love that about him. I totally do love that about him.

I think I’ll go bang my head up against the wall for a few hours. I can’t believe I lied to him over something so lame….. I’m sorry…two words that lose their value when they’re hanging in the air too often. But…I am sorry….I hate myself right now.

-PoeticaL
8:37 a.m. ::
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