pacing through desperation
Friday, Feb. 22, 2002
today�s horoscope�..wow�
Your life could well be totally transformed in some way. Money may have something to do with it. Primarily, however, the factors involved probably include the release of emotional baggage that's been holding you back for a long time, and the healing of old wounds that have remained open for years. Often such issues stand in the way of our attaining our most cherished goals. Let go, and make the most of it!
~~~~~~~
Ok..so he still hasn�t replied to my email. Not a word. And he didn�t call me either. Tonights Friday night and he usually calls me on Friday night�so we�ll see. And why does this matter to me?
I went out last night to dinner with Delboy. He told me that he�s opening an office in Maderia Beach. We went for Chinese food and it was great. We spent 5 � hours jabbering along and having a great time. I avoided the chocolate cake on the buffet but Delboy and I stopped and stared at it and had a moment of silence together. That was kewl. He�s exactly what I needed last night. He�s my friend and I needed to just be around someone that accepts me the way I am. He�s so encouraging and positive that I don�t feel so overwhelmed right now. He also gave me a stair stepper. Yeeeeeeehawwwww. Of course after his little sales speech that went something like this �youuuu tooo can have a tight ass or at least the reminder of the guilt you have over NOT having a tight ass for the all inclusive price of $1.69 a month for life with no interest.� But he was kidding�it�s free! He said, �It�s a kick ass clothes hanger too!� lol We were at that restaurant so long that those people didn�t leave until we did! We were last out and then we leaned against my car for another hour and a half before we said goodbye.
Delboy is of the opinion that �him� loves me but is terrified that I�ll never be free to be with him. I don�t have a clue anymore. I just know that I haven�t heard from him at all since late Wednesday night and I sent him that long email and it�s making me almost hyperventilate. I don�t know why I feel so much for him and why I�m so upset when I don�t hear from him. I have some real abandonment issues. I really do.
It just bothers me so much when I don�t know with all certainty that things are ok. I know he has this same issue because the other night�.the things that keep running through my mind�the last conversation he and I had�.
PoeticaL: just be my friend....don't bail out on that right now....please..
Him: im not bailing but i cant get all caught up in your life you need to clean up
PoeticaL: I understand that
PoeticaL: and I know I have to do this by myself
Him: from now on i have to have me come first
PoeticaL: i just don't want to ever feel like its all gone
Him: im not going to stop living or put my life on hold
PoeticaL: I don't want you to
Him: i may even start dating
�I�m not bailing but��I may even start dating.� Argh�someone come pull the needles out of my heart.
I know that I need to clean up my life. I know that I need to find peace and quiet and get past so much yet. I just�why can�t he stick by me? I just really wanted to know that his friendship was going to be there for me. Is it reasonable for him to not want to be involved in this mess? Or is it just selfishness? Or am I just fucking going crazy. Someone called me �desperate� yesterday. I�m not desperate. Desperation would lead me to tons of other guys that are right here in the same state. Desperation might make me beg my husband to work things out with me and desperation would make me too afraid to move out entirely on my own making little to no money. Desperation would make me cry my eyes out right now. Desperation would have had me calling him up last night. Desperation wouldn�t have allowed me to go out and spend the night with a friend all the while knowing I could talk to �him� maybe if I was home.
I haven�t done any of those things. I�m depressed not desperate. I�m frustrated because I just want reassurance that life will go on. That someday I will be happy. Reassurance that there�s always hope for �he� and I. Right now�I have nothing. Know nothing. And feel everything.
Tonight we�re sitting down with �Bucky� and telling him the plans. This is going to be a brutal night. Horrible. I know my son is going to burst out in tears and then I�ll be ripped into a thousand pieces pulling razor blades from my eyes. Husband is so calm about all of this. To him it�s just a step. It�s just a thing. There�s no emotions about any of this. He�s being calm and nice and oddly like an alien just landed. I don�t know how he can be this way. I�m destroyed about it all�.all over again.
I won�t contact �him� again if it�s the hardest thing I ever do. I sent an email�the balls in his court. If it never comes back to my side�well then it just never comes back. I think he�s going to date the teacher that lives behind him in his apartment complex. That�s my guess�. *sob* I can hardly stand to even think about it.
In the meantime I�ll be hitting my Inbox looking for email�..yes�.that act is an act of a totally desperate girl who loves. Aaaaaackkk!
My other horoscope I get in my email� (I fucking hate that �1new� listed in my email being bullshit like this�.(yes I�m hitting the inbox while writing this�.and yes that�s desperation!) Everything could seem to be going very smoothly for you right now with very little effort on your part. Relationship matters should be moving in the direction you desire today, and this should help to give you a little greater sense of hope and make you feel much more optimistic about the future.
Good grief�I can only hope because I�m so keyed up right now�.someone send me some email�I�m goin nuts. (if I could pace at work all day�I�d be pacing�.)
-PoeticaL
It's strange what this feeling makes me do
My desperation makes me play the fool (to
You) I'm unnamed, I'm a face in the crowd
My indignation makes me want to scream out loud
-Fine Science
