panic depressive

Today I trolled back through my diary entries remembering where I've been...and then I wish I had a fast forward button so I could see where I am going. Then I just sat here staring at the wall in front of me...white expanse of nothing....knowing I should take a shower...I should call my son back...I should....and yet....I have done nothing.

It's a day when I should be on Zoloft. A day when the sun is shining but I want it to rain. It's a day of nothing...just like the one before. Me sitting alone...thinking about how I'd bake cookies from scratch if I had some money for butter and new cookie sheets...then that thought leads to my former kitchen's full of pastry cutters, cookie cutters...cookie sheets...all handed off to new female in new place....my stuff gone. Then I rebound into woe is me and forget all about cookies. Then I remember my son with a vintage apron (no longer have that either) on and he and I laughing and he's 3 and we're making cookies and theres that lovely pang of missing something I no longer seem to have even when he's here it's not the familiar sameness. Oh and this cycle of self doubt and self hatred and self morbid thoughts....it's horrid.

Then I tell myself if I just took a shower, changed my clothes...put on some lip gloss....read a book...turned on some cheery music...I'd be ok again. But... but that takes something I do not have right now. Energy. Yah I should go dig out a pill....fuck if one pill doesn't make it all ok again. And why can't I just do that for myself?

I should NOT have read back through my life over the last 2 years. Bad idea.

Yesterday I sat mindlessly staring at "Trading Spaces" even though I saw most of those episodes already. Then I fell asleep. Today I got up early and drove BF to work and then came back and stared ahead at the same TV again. Then I fell asleep...(a depressed persons favorite pasttime because it's a blank screen when you sleep...no feeling) Now I'm awake. I've listened to Bryan playing Jeopardy on his pc...I've talked briefly to my child...I've noticed I have the same shirt on today as yesterday and my hairs all funky and I've drank 3 cups of hot tea...I'm losing my voice and hoping it packs up and goes to France so I can call off work tomorrow.

Yah...its one of those days when it sucks to be sick. To be depressive. To be mental.

I haven't felt this way in a long time. I think it's just one long week of Christmas... wanting all that holly and merriment...and finding instead noise and no eggnog. Yah maybe it was the absence of eggnog that did it. Maybe I need to shut up shower and move on with my day doing something constructive. Yah....like that's going to happen.

Furthermore....I don't care what you think because you've got no idea how it feels. I wish I had asthma...I could get an inhaler and people would ask me if I was ok...if I could breath. With this...no one knows...no one gets it.... I'm convinced that no one ever will.

-PoeticaL

LuthienXo: you manic depressives are all alike ;-)
Kwisty2k: I'm not manic depressive
Kwisty2k: i wish...they are super creative
Luthien: sorry, I meant panic depressive.
Kwisty2k: i am just clinically
depressed with a side cocktail of
abandonment grief Kwisty2k: lol panic depressive.......that's a good one
Luthien: Right. Like I said. Panic Depressive