cluttering the net since 2001

passive depressive

Friday, Jun. 04, 2004
Today someone accused me of being passive. Stated that I never want to rock the boat. They said that I sit on my hands and never tell anyone how I truly feel or what I truly think and that I harbor my true emotions and thoughts. Furthermore it was stated that I never speak out for the things that matter to me. I was also told that when people make suggestions to me to take control of my life and demand and seek things I really want from it, that I twist their suggestions to sound as though they were demands in and of themselves coming at me from those people.

Secondly, itís apparently ok to leave the state and call your gf for five minutes and send one email over the course of 3 days. Apparently I donít agree and so this is me roaring and asserting because I feel as though you split mr. b.f. with barely a look behind you at what you left. This could of course be my abandonment issue rearing itís ugly head. It could be the fact that Iíve had less than 3 hours of sleep in the last 2 days as well. However, I shall not be passive about this one and I will let you know that you have somehow made me feel badly about this entire thing. Furthermore, just because Cathy came over and we drank a 6 pack of alcohol and lounged around the pool doesnít mean I was having a good time or that I didnít miss you. Nor does it mean that Iím happy. It simply means that Iím drowning my sorrows like never before. But you never think about things in those sorts of terms.

You mentioned that the tux is black and I couldnít stop imagining you in a tux in a church on a Saturday afternoon. But you wouldnít believe thatís what Iíve been thinking about even if I told you straight out. Maybe this is why I tend to be passive. Because no one believes my true thoughts or emotions when I do speak up.

I have a pounding headache, a backache, Iím hungry like never before, and Iím hot and grouchy. Youíre not missing much I tell ya b.f. youíre not missing anything. I can tell.

Itís Friday night and I swear I might just not answer the phone even if it does ring. I desperately need to sleep and eat and calm down. IckÖ

One last thought to g5...go away!

2:06 p.m. ::
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