cluttering the net since 2001

the past fights the present to win the future

Sunday, Feb. 17, 2002
Earlier tonight I went out to the movies with husband. We saw "In the Bedroom". The movie had a great story but whoever directed it sucked! Something was missing throughout the story. Then we went and got some dinner afterwards at Bennigan's. While we waited for dinner to come I rambled on about my diet and he talked a little bit about writing a program for work. But it was awkward and strange. He and I are not at all the same two people we used to be together.

I felt totally like I was out of place. I felt like I was looking at the past but was stuck in the present and wanted nothing but to run to the future.

I have noticed that lately I feel like I am cheating on "him" being with my own husband. It's the oddest feeling.

Then to make matters worse, when we got into his Nissan to leave the restaurant he pulled out a CD holder he bought for his visor and it was full of my BT and Spot CD's...and stuff. Same issue I have bitched about before. He told me that he'd bring them back to me. He never did. Fucker! Then he trys to tell me he bought the Spot CD. And then I'm just aggravated as fuck. Because he lies and believes what he wants to believe.

Then I came home and logged into my computer close to midnight and "he" pms me right away saying "you need to call me". I did. I heard his voice and everything inside me relaxed and I felt myself come back to the surface again. I felt normalcy pour through me. His roomate cheated on his girlfriend, she found out and brought all of his stuff back to him. They broke up and "he" wanted to talk to me about it and stuff. And he went out looking for a place to buy to live and wanted to discuss it with me. It's almost 3 a.m. and we were on the phone until my phone started to beep because the battery was going dead.

I know in my heart that I love him. I know that I will always love him. That he changed me for the better. That he helped me find me again. He gave me hope for the future. With or without him in it I know I am a stronger person.

I need to sit down with husband (after I steal my CD's back of course!) and tell him how I feel. I need to tell him about "him" and about all of it. I need to be free of this life so that I can look only towards the future.

"He" uses phrases like "when you get here.... "when we're together... "we can do this... "maybe you could do that when you get here....

Those phrases feel so right. They feel like what I want to swim in. I know that I want to hug him, hold him, cry while I hug him.... I know that I want to see his face and smile at him. I know that I want to know what it's like to touch his hands while he talks to me. I want to know what it's like to throw a pillow at him when he says something funny to me. I want it all.... I want my best friend to be in my "real" world. I want everything that I have come to know because of him to be part of me. Part of my life forever.....

Be it wrong or be it right...I love him.


Out of the rain
Iíll follow you
Only if you want me to
Thereís no need to hide
Running from the truth
Listen when Iím talking to you
Spiraling down merry go round
The tables are turning
Turn you around
Canít get the pieces of me
Me off the ground
Tied down together
And turned all around
Push onto morning
Push onto morning...
Mistakes in my life
I've made a few
Didn't mean I wanted to
But it's just a game
Running from the truth
-One Way Ride
3:09 a.m. ::
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