phar�ma�ceu�ti�cal
Monday, Apr. 28, 2003
I'm drinking Christmas flavored coffee in April and my heart is stuck in fast forward thinking about July. I want to go see fireworks and hold Rick's hands. I want to skip past the past and get sucked into tomorrow only I want it to happen fast, faster than even today. The morning is new and the sky is white, not blue like in mid afternoon. It's pure white like snow and the palm tree's are caressing the wind like the feathers of a bird in flight. I'm sitting alone pecking out nothing worth a damn hoping it makes me feel like someone new and good. I'm melancholy and adrift. I want to swim but I can't find my fin. I want to go crawl back into bed and push my hollow feelings against my lover and whisper into his ears until he fills me with bliss. I want to feel his fingers creeping through my ambush of hair, I want my forehead to push against the black metal until my mind goes blank and my body soars above the room with his. I want to bottle that feeling I find only there and sell it to the masses until I am free to come and go. I am Rapunzal gone bald prematurely....I can't get down without his hands for ladders. I want to wake him up but I won't. I want him to play Jack so I can incubate his love, I want to find my way down and watch beanstalks creep back up to the sky. I want today to stop mid-sentence until I can jump right off. I want his arms to be the mattress that catches me when I am lost like this moment before phar�ma�ceu�ti�cal retreat. I want to paint my dreams across his landscape like saliva butterflies escaping in the morning dew. I want him. I just want him to know I love him most when he waits for me to walk first because he knows its a barrier to trust that it's something I can really do.
