cluttering the net since 2001

phone calls cause bleeding tears....

Tuesday, Jan. 15, 2002
He called me and said “How could you call yourself a “lab rat science experiment” to me. That makes me feel like you’re putting me down. How could you think I see you that way? How do you think that makes me feel?’

He was obviously upset. Then I simply said “how am I supposed to know how you feel if you won’t tell me?” He said “put yourself in my shoes and then you might know.”

If I could do that…I would. And ya know what all I want to do now is go lock myself in the bathroom and cry my eyes out. But I can’t. And this entire thing sucks. I express my fucked up feelings of inadequacy and somehow something else is my fault.

I pointed out that I called him at his request and then he was only half talking to me cause he was talking to some girl online. He replied “if you’re mad about that I’ll mail you $5…better yet..how about $10?”

All I know is right now I feel horrible. I want to cry and the only person I want to be around is the person responsible for this feeling. I love him and I don’t think its so unreal that I want him to just tell me that I matter. That I want to hear words..I want to know. Knowing is hearing for me.

He kept saying “I used to go out …I used to go out more…I don’t anymore…don’t you get it?” I want to get it so why can’t he just fucking tell me?

Why do I continue to care? Why can’t I just stop caring and save myself this heartache?

And if he thinks I’m going to put myself into his shoes and know what it’s like to have feelings for someone that’s married and you feel like you can’t have them and that’s going to fix it all and I’ll think he’s Mr. Morals… he’s wrong. . he didn’t think about that last night when he asked me to call him. If he loves me is it ok that he loves someone elses wife as long as he doesn’t profess his love and instead locks it up inside?

That’s fucked!

It’s all fucked!

I just wanted to tell him “I love you ….when you understand what that means and how much other shit I’m coping with…let me know.”

When I didn’t say “I’m sooo sorry for saying what I said.” He simply said “I have things to do here at work…I’m gonna go.” And *click*. That was that!

Maybe I need to simply dig a hole and hide down in it… away from everyone and everything. If I had the money I’d go get a room key and sit in a dark room somewhere until I was numb.

Now it’s ok for him to call me up at work and upset me? That’s kewl?

I just realized something…..he was upset today too….he was upset..he wouldn’t be upset if he didn’t love me….big light bulb just went off!


Wake up in the dark
The aftertaste of anger in the back of my mouth
Spit it on the wall
And cough some more
And scrape my skin with razor blades
And make up in the new blood
-The Top
1:38 p.m. ::
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