just be - poem
Friday, Jan. 18, 2002
I�m tired of this feeling. It�s a feeling I can�t even put a word to. I�m tired of wondering how he can like me when he can drop off a list of everything that�s wrong with me at the drop of a hat. It all leaves me wondering all the time. Yes I always fall back into questioning his intentions because he always has this long list of faults to point out to me. And then he wonders why I think he�d be better off without me? He�s the one that practically tells me that same thing all the time that he wants someone that doesn�t have a big huge mess.
Maybe I have a right to be sad and disillusioned with the world around me. And maybe I just want it to be ok. Maybe I don�t want to keep going and pulling the past back out. Maybe I have been dealing with tons of stuff I never dumped on him because I wanted to keep everything separated. I wanted to do the best I could solving my own life�s mess. Maybe I�m just confused. Maybe I just want to know how he really feels instead of getting all kinds of mixed messages all the time.
Maybe every time I start resorting to the word maybe I end up with a big long rant. Maybe its all a waste of time. Maybe Josh knew something when he said, �this is art� , that phrase in his dreams. Maybe I�m a girl wearing white wanting to see color.
Maybe I love someone I�m not supposed to love. Maybe I don�t love him, but have a mere fascination with him because he�s always behind the screen like the Wizard of Oz or something. Maybe it�s the unknown that makes him so fascinating to me. The �not knowing�. That�s not it�I know that�s not it, because every time I get lost he�s the only person that can help me find me again. I know because I have resorted to going to other people. I just end up more lost.
He doesn�t let me drown in my own little world. He throws me a life vest. Of course..why does it always have to hit me square in the head? Maybe he�s got bad aim. Maybe I�m hard headed. Maybe I need to quit picking at the scabs of old wounds caused by other people. People that are not him. Maybe he�s right. He told me �you make problems where there are none�.maybe you�re one of those people that can�t just be.�
Just be? Yes�(a poem is created on this thought�)
~just be~
I want to just be.
To just be.
And be nothing more.
I want to be silence
On the breeze through
An open door.
To just see
To just see freely
Be free from before.
To just be want that
Wants nothing more.
I need to just be
To just be
Inside a smile
That doesn�t speak.
A line that runs strong
Like a mile.
I want to just be
To just flee
From yesterday
Blooming like flowers
Colors replacing
The words they can�t say
I want to just be
To just be.
Free from regret
To fall down inside
The good memory
And let myself just forget
Then I can be
Just me
I can then just see
How to be�
To just�be
-PoeticaL
And in the end on dreams we will depend Cause that's what love is made of -Van Halen
SO WHEN YOU SENSE A CHANGE NOTHING FEELS THE SAME ALL YOUR DREAMS ARE STRANGE, LOVE COMES WALKIN' IN SOME KIND OF ALIEN WAITS FOR THE OPENING THEN SIMPLY PULLS A STRING, LOVE COMES WALKIN' IN -Van Halen
