PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

just be - poem

Friday, Jan. 18, 2002

Maybe I am in the middle of a pity party and need to party all alone.

I’m tired of this feeling. It’s a feeling I can’t even put a word to. I’m tired of wondering how he can like me when he can drop off a list of everything that’s wrong with me at the drop of a hat. It all leaves me wondering all the time. Yes I always fall back into questioning his intentions because he always has this long list of faults to point out to me. And then he wonders why I think he’d be better off without me? He’s the one that practically tells me that same thing all the time that he wants someone that doesn’t have a big huge mess.

Maybe I have a right to be sad and disillusioned with the world around me. And maybe I just want it to be ok. Maybe I don’t want to keep going and pulling the past back out. Maybe I have been dealing with tons of stuff I never dumped on him because I wanted to keep everything separated. I wanted to do the best I could solving my own life’s mess. Maybe I’m just confused. Maybe I just want to know how he really feels instead of getting all kinds of mixed messages all the time.

Maybe every time I start resorting to the word maybe I end up with a big long rant. Maybe its all a waste of time. Maybe Josh knew something when he said, “this is art” , that phrase in his dreams. Maybe I’m a girl wearing white wanting to see color.

Maybe I love someone I’m not supposed to love. Maybe I don’t love him, but have a mere fascination with him because he’s always behind the screen like the Wizard of Oz or something. Maybe it’s the unknown that makes him so fascinating to me. The “not knowing”. That’s not it…I know that’s not it, because every time I get lost he’s the only person that can help me find me again. I know because I have resorted to going to other people. I just end up more lost.

He doesn’t let me drown in my own little world. He throws me a life vest. Of course..why does it always have to hit me square in the head? Maybe he’s got bad aim. Maybe I’m hard headed. Maybe I need to quit picking at the scabs of old wounds caused by other people. People that are not him. Maybe he’s right. He told me “you make problems where there are none….maybe you’re one of those people that can’t just be.”

Just be? Yes…(a poem is created on this thought…)

~just be~

I want to just be.
To just be.
And be nothing more.
I want to be silence
On the breeze through
An open door.
To just see
To just see freely
Be free from before.
To just be want that
Wants nothing more.
I need to just be
To just be
Inside a smile
That doesn’t speak.
A line that runs strong
Like a mile.
I want to just be
To just flee
From yesterday
Blooming like flowers
Colors replacing
The words they can’t say
I want to just be
To just be.
Free from regret
To fall down inside
The good memory
And let myself just forget
Then I can be
Just me
I can then just see
How to be…
To just…be

-PoeticaL


And in the end on dreams we will depend Cause that's what love is made of -Van Halen

SO WHEN YOU SENSE A CHANGE NOTHING FEELS THE SAME ALL YOUR DREAMS ARE STRANGE, LOVE COMES WALKIN' IN SOME KIND OF ALIEN WAITS FOR THE OPENING THEN SIMPLY PULLS A STRING, LOVE COMES WALKIN' IN -Van Halen
4:01 p.m. ::
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