cluttering the net since 2001

Poetic Neurosis

Tuesday, Jan. 08, 2002

Good Morning!! Are you rested up for the day? I know last night I was something else. I hope you knew I was only messing with you. Its a mundane world and I am always looking for something new to come along and spice it up. And if it doesnt come along Ill create it myself hehe. Bet you didnt know I am an inventor huh lol neither did I? If you noticed all your subjects you tossed in our conversation was always so serious. Like your lifes past. Which is important but is not the topic to bring up at 10 pm. I worked actually 10 1/2 hour day yesterday. And when I was done I was in the mood to chat even type! I chose to spend my hour or so talking with you, But not to get online and have some fun. Let loose a little not be swamped by such serious discussions. I get enough of those in the meetings at work. Even there when we have our meetings everybody is acting on their best behavior. Then I walk in and joke around about something and release some of the tension in there. I didnt mean anything by last night. Cant you see Kristy you come at me with some heavy stuff. After a while of absorbing all that seriousness I become very depressed. When I am depressed I start criticize myself and think of the things I havent accomplished instead of all the things I have. Its not healthy for me nor productive. Please keep in mind I am not cut out to be a shrink. And if theres something seriously you need to really talk to me about it, dont do it over the net just pick up the phone and give me a ring. I am moody you are right, and there are reasons for that. Lately I’ve eliminated certain things in my life to cut down on all tension I am constantly feeling. And I am not talking about my job. I am talking about the burning fires within myself. I am never going to have happiness if I dont deal with them and even though they may burn forever If I apply myself then at least I could keep them under control and not let them effect me as they do in so many ways. Ok time for me run I am going to the office and see if they have my External CD-R
Have a grrrrrrrrreat day!!

Something about that email really pisses me off. And then something about it makes me think…wow he got up this morning early and he was still thinking about me and this is a good thing I guess. But its like he’s telling me not to bother him with things. But when he came to me crying over another woman I sat and sympathized and shoved all my own feelings down to try to help him in an unbiased way. I was actually feeling bad to hear him so upset and I woulda waved any magic wand to hear him happy again.

Its not like he’s asking me not to go to him. I think he’s asking me not to dump on him constantly, which I am tending to do a lot because I have so very much I’m dealing with. But then again, if someone cares about you….

Awww fuck…I can’t figure it out. Sometimes it all feels like too much trouble. Sometimes I just think why do I subject myself to all of this. Its easier to carry on with this marriage where there’s nothing to work through. We just co-exist in 4 walls and try not to bump into each other. That’s an easy game. This other stuff is too damn complicated. It just makes me nuts.

I won’t answer that email because I don’t know what the fuck to say. I never know what to say. What am I supposed to say? Yeah I’m pissed cause you blew me off, I’m pissed because I need to grow up and deal with my problems and I don’t know how and I keep wanting you to tell me how. Am I supposed to say that he was being cute and making me happy while I was making him miserable? Am I supposed to tell him that? What the fuck am I supposed to tell him?

That I love him with all my heart and I can’t ever be what he wants because I’m too afraid?

He chose to spend his hour with me? I hate the way he fucking says that to me. Like I should bow down and thank him immensely for being chosen. Doesn’t he realize I chose him too? Doesn’t he realize that there are other people that want to talk to me. That I decline conversations the entire time I’m speaking to him.

Don’t I realize that it’s time for me to pull my ass out of my computer and go find the life I want?

The sad thing is…in the end I’ll do nothing. Say nothing. I’ll either reply and say “thanks for telling me this…I understand now”. Which.…fuck…I don’t understand most of it because I never had a relationship based on this kind of communication. Or I’ll drive myself crazy all fucking day thinking about this.

I always chose to ignore this stuff when I don’t know the correct way to deal with it. And that is so sad. I avoid what I can’t handle. Sick.

Everything in his life is going so very well and I’m so happy for him and maybe its time for me to just disappear and let him be happy. I know I won’t reply to this email and I know he’ll sit there and wonder if I got it. He’ll ask me if I got it. But wait…he can’t ask me if I’m not available to ask. I really can’t do this to myself anymore.

Ya know honestly it would help if he wrote better. Some stuff he says is confusing. Like this line…
“I chose to spend my hour or so talking with you, But not to get online and have some fun."
English skills are not prevalent for men who write code all day…teehee….
Oh dang it…now I’m laughing about him. God….I’m so confused. Love does sick things to a person. Sick sick…..

this is what I actually replied with…..

I just read your email and I understand and thanks for telling me. Last night you were something else for sure. But that’s ok. It was kinda cute. I’m glad you’re in a good mood. Its much better than the “meanie” mood anyday.

I’m just sick and feeling out of it. By the way, I must have learned a long time ago not to take you seriously on certain things. Otherwise I’d be in a rubber room crying my eyes out banging my helmeted head against the rubber saying “Why? Why? Why?” I’m sorry for being such a drag last night. I shoulda went to bed earlier than I did. I shoulda went home after work and went right to bed in fact. I feel horrible.

All I’ve had all morning is hot hot water with lemon and honey. Its sickening how I feel. I wanna go home and go to bed. But I’m little miss dedicated and I won’t do that.

Know what? I really have got to concentrate on the good things in my life and let go of the past. There is no future in the past. What’s done is done. Its over. Time to move on. Besides, there are some pretty kewl things that are going on in my life right now. I need to concentrate on enjoying the good stuff more.

By the way, thanks for addressing this stuff without screaming at me with big huge text. That means a lot to me. Sometimes its easier to hear someone when they whisper cause you have to pay more attention.

I do believe that if you build on the good things, the bad things will diminish in importance. I also believe I need to do that same thing. Thanks for reminding me.

I hope your External CD-R was in that office….

what I should have said is…

I’m fucked up and neurotic and I love you and it’s making me go crazy. So lets never talk again. You go be happy because I believe you are better off without me in your life in any capacity. Besides…even if we did meet, you’d never be happy with me. I cry too much! I’m sorry I made you like me. Forget about me.

”Love will make you twist your head off and do unimaginable things to your thoughts.”

I think I realized that he did say “And if theres something seriously you need to really talk to me about it, dont do it over the net just pick up the phone and give me a ring.” He’s not pushing me away…he’s asking me to realize what I’m doing to him.

“Can you become a part of me, a ride across all the galaxies?……..
…….Me and you can take the evil world and make it all look so bright “
Pop a Pill – Blue Joules

(some lyrics from the song I wrote for Blue Joules!!! They're doing another CD but that's another story for another day.)
12:59 p.m. ::
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