PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

pretend that you love me....

Wednesday, Jan. 30, 2002
My apologies to asi9dood for being such a bitch this morning. I just liked the other layout cause it was just kewl. But it’s your diary….party on…and don’t let my mood swing hit ya in the head…

I had this conversation with “him” and I know I shouldn’t care….and I need to break ties with everything that makes me feel bad in my life..and he certainly has a way of doing that to me. But he’s helped me through some major tough stuff in my life and I want to do the same for him. And in doing that for him I think it might help me find some kind of peace. Some level of equality in that relationship.

We had this discussion…after his huge blowout “kiss of death” conversation to me last night…..tonight…the real gut honest truth comes out….

Him: shit im sorry that invite was force of habit
Me: <----rolls her eyes
Him: hate me if you want too its your right
Me: never said I hated you
Him: well you can if you want too its perfectly ok
Me: what is wrong with you?
Him: i dont know anymore
Me: ??
Him: maybe i should just go back to ND
Me: what are you talking about?
Him: i dont know kristy
Me: what happened? are you ok?
Him: no
Him: im totally depressed
Me: why?
Me: your mic is live
Him: say what
Me: nothing...
Me: didn't know you were going to sing again
Me: why are you depressed? what happened?
Him: i just been
Him: nothing happened
Me: i'm sorry
Him: got damn you always get the shit end of it
Me: *shrugs*
Him: i dont know either
Me: I don't know what to do for you...everything I do is a mistake
Him: you shouldnt do shit for me
Me: ok I won't
Him: maybe i suffer from anxiety
Me: go see a doctor
Him: so he can put me on some fucked up chemicals
Me: so you can find out what's wrong for one thing
Him: what kind of doc
Me: I'd start with a regular doctor and tell him what's going on and he can tell you
Him: i think its anxiety
Me: what makes you think that?
Him: because i watched an info commercial about it and they matched me up perfect
Him: in their descriptions of what ppl are like that suffer from anxiety
Me: then go get some help
Him: i doubt theres a cure that can be found for anxiety in any pill bottle
Me: I don't know.
Me: I think you owe me an apology
Him: im very sorry
Me: me too cause you tell me goodbye so many times I'm starting to believe you

We went on to talk to each other via voice and he was so depressed so down, that I started to cry. I’ve never dealt with anyone but myself being depressed. Anxiety….that freaks me out because I don’t know what to do for him to help him. If someone else is out there reading this does know or understand or has any advice …. Please drop me a line somewhere…

I know I can’t let him throw this noose around my neck that makes me feel so bad that I do the wrong things in my life…but I care about him….I care because in the end….at 3 a.m. there is only one person I can call up and say “hi..I’m feeling scared…and alone…tell me I’m not”. Just him.

I talked to Josh today for the first time and Josh you could be that kind of person for me and it scares me because I don’t want to rely on anyone. I have to figure out how to make it in this world minus family and minus what so many people take for granted. I have to. I have to. But when you said that you’d be there for me anytime I needed to talk….it meant the world to me. I’m not like most people. No one makes those offers to me and I can’t call up my Mommy and whine about my bad day. I just lay down in bed at night and cry tears into my pillow and feel so alone that I swear my hearts going to come rushing out of my ears trying to run away from my bad thoughts. So for whatever its worth…thank you. Even if you didn’t really mean it and it was like saying at highschool graduation “We’ll keep in touch….” Making it mostly a formality…I don’t care. Thank you…thank you for saying it and for 5 minutes making me feel cared for…. Thank you for understanding how infinitely hard it is for someone to start over when there is no safe haven to run to. There is only the vast dark of the unknown…..thank you. I needed someone to just say that to me so I didn’t feel like a big baby carrying an excuse that wasn’t real.

And as always…I know every night there’s someone out there that says a little prayer for me and when I think all is lost I go buy myself a bouquet of daisies and realize that it’ll all be ok as long as there’s just that one person looking up at the sky saying that prayer every night for me. All those stars…..they’re always petals in my eyes…

I know I am loved….I just can’t figure out how to be strong enough to overcome all the disappointments, betrayals…abandonment’s….

Someday I’m going to be so kick ass for enduring this…but I wonder if someday’s ever really do come….

-PoeticaL

Reason will not clinch a solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
As long as you don't go

So I cry, I pray and I beg

Love me love me
Say that you love me
Fool me fool me
Go on and fool me
Love me love me
Pretend that you love me
Leave me leave me
Just say that you need me

-The Cardigans
12:21 a.m. ::
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