cluttering the net since 2001

guilt ridden hard and put away like a wet dog

Tuesday, Mar. 02, 2004
This entry is about to be all over the place so beware.....

Many little things have been adding up in my mind and I have a lot to spew about and get off of my chest once and for all.

During a conversation with (author aforementioned and name intentionally kept secret) today I told him about the recent events with ex and ex's ho Ms. Cleaver. Ok ok I should take away the "ho" but I'm not that damn healed yet. So lets begin...she harbors animosity against me. Against ME of all things. As if I did something to HER! Well this has left me confused and bewildered and it does anger me. This notion that she has any reason to be angry with me. Sure I got into lots of fights with her (now) man shortly after the awareness of a longterm affair was going on and brought completely to light to me. Sure I called her every name in the book and planned devilish and evil ways in which to end her pathetic life. But what wife wouldn't do these things at that moment in time? And I never said or did these things in her presence or to her face or to her awareness (unless secondhandedly told to her by ex). Either way I didn't bang her husband to a nub without her knowledge and I certainly didn't take him to the McDonalds drive thru to tell him just exactly what meat I wanted to order up. She did those things. So why does she hate me? For my apparent impeccible taste in men (she surely must see it that way...no???) and my willingness to share his body parts with her while still married to him. (I hope she saw it that way otherwise she did those things without my permission or knowledge???? damn her) I say this all with humour so don't go telling me I'm a forensic lover because I have true intentions of anything evil. I just simply cannot understand why she so hates me. Why she has so much anxiety about me. Why she has never apologized but expects and talks about healing and time....as if one day I'll take over a casserole and sit and chat with her. Whatever! Been there done that, I refuse to allow her near my current man. (even though he's too smart to fall for her smut) Either way this has been a big mystery to me. Why would she hate me? What have I done to her? Smack her man with my keys in hand? Hmmm...technically he was still MY man at that moment in time. So...blah! Well....today Mr. Author man told me that she's probably filled with her own guilt about what she knowingly did wrong and so she has turned this into hatred for me because if I am somehow not worthy as a human in her mind then this allows her to live with her own guilt. Lets all read that sentence twice. Ready....set....go...

...she's probably filled with her own guilt about what she knowingly did wrong and so she has turned this into hatred for me because if I am somehow not worthy as a human in her mind then this allows her to live with her own guilt

In light of that intellectual statement....here's another...I further question Mr. Author about his opinions on why my ex would continually call me up and ask how I was doing or why he would care. His answer... "Probably because he wants you to be ok so that he himself can swallow that guilt he has."

Two guilty people trying to overlook their faults and misgivings and blame their own wrongdoings on someone else? How damn sad is that? Futhermore, I still feel that anyone can do better than to hook up with a cheater knowing fullwell that he/she is a cheat because he/she is your fellow cheatee. (should be a word too...should be)

All of these enlightened statements and revelations have lifted a burden from my own mind. I admit readily that I was a lousy wife from year 9 on. I would say that had a great deal to do with affair number 1 and the dissapearance of my child like a sunset without a goodbye. That causes large amounts of hate I tell ya. I no longer hate him like I once did. Now it's just a throb of dislike that crops up once in awhile.

After these revelations I spoke to ex whereby I asked him why she's never apologized yet expects it all to "smooth" out. (his words) He states he has addressed "this issue" with her and it shall be fixed. She's currently in therapy (at his request) and is addressing her own issues. Hmm....two cheats with issues and she's the only one seeking therapy at his request. ohhhh fuck that noise. Been there done that. I went to therapy and he didn't. I tried everything and he didn't. I apologized and he didn't. I moved mountains and he didn't. So now she's taken the reigns of my nightmare and he's the same him thinking he's perfect and without need for help.

I have come to the conclusion that I shall send her a thank you card. "Thank you for taking away my nightmare and thank god you're too stupid to know it and try to send it back." Bitter?...me??? Nah...I think the entire thing is a joke and I am a better person than either of them singularly or combined. I don't have guilt. I don't have shame. And if I seek therapy it's not because anyone else tells me I must. Glad to know he found another fool to order around and demand from. Glad to know she's stupid enough to fall for his games. I'm even gladder to know that I'm on the other side of the river watching the boat drown under the water of defeat. One year and she's in therapy at his request. One year and he's controlling her money. One year and she's angry at ME and afraid he'll come back, because there is no trust in a relationship built upon lies. My oh my......what a shambles.

Furthermore, while talking to him today he admitted that her involvement in my sons life always badmouthing my son's mother (namely me) due to her own feelings of guilt and inadequacy was detrimental and he was going to "fix" it. To which I smiled and replied, "yes because you were going to "fix" me...and as it turns out the only thing that has ever fixed me is not being around YOU!" To which he actually replied, "yah I know." LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scary enough I told him "doesn't she know that there is no erasing me from your life, that I'm your only child's mother and we'll be speaking until someone dies, be it you, me or heaven forbid our beautiful child?" "Doesn't she know that the only person you know truly how to love came from me?" To which he stated "I ...I....I have to go now". Once again displaying his weakness and inability to address anything real. Pathetic....the only good thing is that I'm not in that warped mess. I am on the outside and I am aware of how to help my son deal and cope with the lameness of doing something wrong and blaming it on someone else so you can live with yourself.

Amazing such a simple statement by Author man and everything fits together like a big giant lego land of reason. Logic...men are great for logical statements.

other things I didn't even get to include that are going through my mind.

I did know a Tim, Tim that came to FL from TN to meet me, we rolled in the hay and then he dissapeared without a trace. Turns out he didn't reject me but rather something bad happened and he couldn't contact me for months.....suffice it to say when you wish evil you can not come close to reality sometimes.

My boss asked me today if I enjoyed my job. I think she's more worried I'll bail of shere busy'ness stress.....that won't happen. I don't bail...I'm always the bailee...(should be a word too damn it!)

Lostinlove.diaryland....she's mature, smart, bright, and still able to express herself. She wins status in my "girls who rock" notebook and ya know there are few in there people...chics don't rule in my book...not much anyways.

My son spells the word "anyways" like "neways" and blames it on "chatspeak". Gotta love it! Word changing and conviction while doing so.

My laptop rocks, I have learned to love it.

Bf is off every other night this week...yeahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

Mr. Author man should be a shrink...he's amazing to speak to.

Last night I bought 2 books....woohooooooooooooooooooooooooooo more about that tomorrow.

Dunkin Donuts sells iced coffee at 80 calories and it's so large for $1.80 that it lasts all morning, all afternoon...and on the way home from work and it still tastes great. Double yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Jealousy, rejection, anger, hatred....these are usually signs of inner turmoil and are not truly intended to harm or hurt the person they are directed at. it's a sign of bigger ailments within the person displaying these emotions.....yah that's my big lesson of the last few weeks. Go me!
7:18 p.m. ::
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