PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

reaching out, confused...wondering

Sunday, Jun. 09, 2002
I talked to James tonight. I didn’t realize how much I missed him until I talked with him. Then I remembered how every night that I was struggling and alone he was right there cheering me up and being my friend and keeping me happy. I remember how he asked me every night how my day was and how happy he always was to hear from me. And I can never ever thank him enough. And my feelings for him remain strong and confusing and what else is new? I’m a walking bomb of confusion.

~~~~~

And then I had this conversation shortly afterwards. With Tim. I met Tim on hotornot when I posted my picture while living alone. Tim is the person who knows what my past with my mom etc is like and understands it in a way no one ever has before. I picked him and he picked me right back. We are so mutual it blows me away. There’s this big giant part of me that just knows.

And after conversations like this….I dunno it’s almost 4 a.m. and maybe he’s just drunk and I’m stupid and want to believe so badly…maybe I’m just tired and….maybe he’s just drunk and tired…I’ll ask him again tomorrow…right now I’m just ….I don’t even have a word for what I am just… I’m

Confused

Scared

Happy

Hopeful

and I am a thousand other words that have never been invented.

Tim: hi

Me: hi how is you?

Tim: drunk as f*ck

Me: lol

Me: kewl they say that now's when the truth will come out

Me: so tell me...

Me: how do you REALLY feel about me?

Tim: do i have to do this right now?...i am f*cked to hell

Me: lol

Me: well yeah

Me: I asked...so...

Tim: ok ok

Me: hahaha

Tim: let me gather my thawts

Tim: you realkly wanna know?

Tim: i mean ralll;ey wanna know?

Tim: or really

Tim: cause i will tell you

Me: yes

Me: I really wanna know

Tim: i honestly wish i didn't have to spend a day without you

Me: awww Tim...

Tim: i just feel like i want you right next to me every night when i go to sleep

Tim: and right next to me every mormning when i weake up[

Me: Jenny moment

Me: with two sentences you brought tears to my eyes...

Tim: no jenny momeny

Tim: that's a kristy moment for me

Me: I wish I could hug you so bad

Tim: i am so drunk..please don't hold what i dsay to you against me

Me: yeah so do you mean it or not mean it cause you're drunk so who knows?

Tim: i always mean what i say to you

Me: me too Tim

Me: me too

Tim: but right now i can asy that i am being aaas toitally honest as i can be

Me: sometimes I wonder

Me: like when I call you at work

Me: like the other day

Me: you seem like i'm bothering you

Me: and then I think I should just go away

Tim: no

Tim: not at all

Tim: i was right in the middle of vbaciscally 4 liners ringing

Me: its ok

Me: I just....I'm so insecure because of the past...

Me: nothing you do

Tim: if i thought it woudl doi any good ..i'd mail you a plane ticket right now

Me: aww Tim

Tim: iu'm not playin

Me: i know

Me: i just wish you could see all the tears rolling down my face....there's something about you ....you always say the most beautiful things to me

Tim: that's only if i thought you'sd actually use it

Me: I would Tim....I'd get on that plane and put my heart on my sleeve and just hope beyond hope that I wasn't gonna get it ripped apart again

Tim: i wouldn't do that to you

Me: its not you that I doubt

Me: its me.... I must have done something wrong for everything bad that's happened to have happened to me

Tim: you didn't ever do anythingbad

Tim: it's the assholes in your lfie

Me: Tim.....I wanna tell you something and remember I'm not drunk

Me: everytime I talk to you....I know that I could love you with everything I am...given half a chance

Tim: i would never ask you to do anyhting bad

Me: I already know that

Tim: and you've never even been tomemphis

Me: nope

Tim: that could be fixed

Me: really?

Tim: real wquick

Me: tell me how to get to the life I want and I will just do it

Tim: don't take no for an answer..believe that yopu are the mosat important person in yoiur life

Me: I can do that

Me: I've already begun to do that

Tim: and the only thing i can do is reinstill back into you the fact that you are someone..and that you can lovce and be loved

Me: I know it everytime I speak with you....I am so aware that I never knew what happy was.....until you

Tim: bring it on

Me: :-D I will.

Me: be careful what you wish for

Me: you just might get it

Tim: i've been wishing for it for a while now

Me: me too Tim

Me: I love how you listen to me.

Me: I love how you talk to me.

Me: I love how you understand me.

Me: I love how you give me a chance to understand you.

Tim: ever thought about jusdt leavn gthere and startinmg all over agian?

Me: every single day

Me: every day before you

Me: every day a thousand times since you

Tim: do something baout it

Me: I think about finding a way to pack up everything i own including my son and just splitting. Having him walk in the door to find nothing.

Tim: do it

Me: I don't have the needed cash to do that.

Tim: i can't be;live i just dasd that

Tim: said that

Me: said what?

Tim: how juch do you think you'd need?

Me: I don't know.

Me: I never checked.

Me: I mean I'd have to find out and have a plan ..know what I was doing and where I was going.

Tim: i know wheere you'd be goiing

Me: but how do you know Tim.....without meeting me first...how can you be so sure?

Tim: Me: kewl they say that now's when the truth will come out

Tim: i rest my case

Me: we need to get you drunk more often

Me: lol

Tim: come over here and do it

Me: I wish I could

Me: I wish I could just be with you right now

Me: Last night some stuff went down and the notion that I can just accept this....my life the way it is.....ever...is just gone.

Tim: ikeep hoping that one of these days you will be

Me: I sat and cried and thought about running to you and I didn't because my life before you isn't your fault

Tim: i accept you as you are...as you were..and as you will be

Tim: unconditionally

Me: i know but I want to come to you with happy things....

Me: with brand new pages.....so we can write a new story together

Tim: forget about the parst..we coudl have our own nhaoppy thngs

Me: lol...you're so drunk..how cute

Me: I'm going to ask you these questions again when you're not drunk.....see what you say then.

Tim: i'm not that drunk to not say what i really mean

Me: Tim....

Me: I don't know what's going to happen.

Tim: i have told you sober and drunk that i care about you and that i want you

Me: but I know one thing for sure

Me: I may not be in love with you because you have to meet a person to gain that....but

Me: I do love you Tim. I do care about you. And I can't imagine you not being a part of my life.

Tim: well..we should doo somethign about it then

Me: I can't imagine no more "jenny moments" because you're the first person that's ever made me that happy

Tim: i just want you to ffeel loved

Tim: wanted

Tim: appreciated

Me: why Tim? why? why do you want that?

Tim: cause i think you';re special

Tim: and i think we could have something

Me: :-)

Me: so many obstacles......they don't scare you?

Tim: nothing scares me

Tim: except the unkown

Tim: unknown

Me: and I'm not the unknown?

Me: you've never met me

Tim: no..i feel like i'm knownt you my entire life

Me: i know what you're saying, I feel that too

4:00 a.m. ::
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