~~~~~

And then I had this conversation shortly afterwards. With Tim. I met Tim on hotornot when I posted my picture while living alone. Tim is the person who knows what my past with my mom etc is like and understands it in a way no one ever has before. I picked him and he picked me right back. We are so mutual it blows me away. There�s this big giant part of me that just knows.

And after conversations like this�.I dunno it�s almost 4 a.m. and maybe he�s just drunk and I�m stupid and want to believe so badly�maybe I�m just tired and�.maybe he�s just drunk and tired�I�ll ask him again tomorrow�right now I�m just �.I don�t even have a word for what I am just� I�m

Confused

Scared

Happy

Hopeful

and I am a thousand other words that have never been invented.

Tim: hi

Me: hi how is you?

Tim: drunk as f*ck

Me: lol

Me: kewl they say that now's when the truth will come out

Me: so tell me...

Me: how do you REALLY feel about me?

Tim: do i have to do this right now?...i am f*cked to hell

Me: lol

Me: well yeah

Me: I asked...so...

Tim: ok ok

Me: hahaha

Tim: let me gather my thawts

Tim: you realkly wanna know?

Tim: i mean ralll;ey wanna know?

Tim: or really

Tim: cause i will tell you

Me: yes

Me: I really wanna know

Tim: i honestly wish i didn't have to spend a day without you

Me: awww Tim...

Tim: i just feel like i want you right next to me every night when i go to sleep

Tim: and right next to me every mormning when i weake up[

Me: Jenny moment

Me: with two sentences you brought tears to my eyes...

Tim: no jenny momeny

Tim: that's a kristy moment for me

Me: I wish I could hug you so bad

Tim: i am so drunk..please don't hold what i dsay to you against me

Me: yeah so do you mean it or not mean it cause you're drunk so who knows?

Tim: i always mean what i say to you

Me: me too Tim

Me: me too

Tim: but right now i can asy that i am being aaas toitally honest as i can be

Me: sometimes I wonder

Me: like when I call you at work

Me: like the other day

Me: you seem like i'm bothering you

Me: and then I think I should just go away

Tim: no

Tim: not at all

Tim: i was right in the middle of vbaciscally 4 liners ringing

Me: its ok

Me: I just....I'm so insecure because of the past...

Me: nothing you do

Tim: if i thought it woudl doi any good ..i'd mail you a plane ticket right now

Me: aww Tim

Tim: iu'm not playin

Me: i know

Me: i just wish you could see all the tears rolling down my face....there's something about you ....you always say the most beautiful things to me

Tim: that's only if i thought you'sd actually use it

Me: I would Tim....I'd get on that plane and put my heart on my sleeve and just hope beyond hope that I wasn't gonna get it ripped apart again

Tim: i wouldn't do that to you

Me: its not you that I doubt

Me: its me.... I must have done something wrong for everything bad that's happened to have happened to me

Tim: you didn't ever do anythingbad

Tim: it's the assholes in your lfie

Me: Tim.....I wanna tell you something and remember I'm not drunk

Me: everytime I talk to you....I know that I could love you with everything I am...given half a chance

Tim: i would never ask you to do anyhting bad

Me: I already know that

Tim: and you've never even been tomemphis

Me: nope

Tim: that could be fixed

Me: really?

Tim: real wquick

Me: tell me how to get to the life I want and I will just do it

Tim: don't take no for an answer..believe that yopu are the mosat important person in yoiur life

Me: I can do that

Me: I've already begun to do that

Tim: and the only thing i can do is reinstill back into you the fact that you are someone..and that you can lovce and be loved

Me: I know it everytime I speak with you....I am so aware that I never knew what happy was.....until you

Tim: bring it on

Me: :-D I will.

Me: be careful what you wish for

Me: you just might get it

Tim: i've been wishing for it for a while now

Me: me too Tim

Me: I love how you listen to me.

Me: I love how you talk to me.

Me: I love how you understand me.

Me: I love how you give me a chance to understand you.

Tim: ever thought about jusdt leavn gthere and startinmg all over agian?

Me: every single day

Me: every day before you

Me: every day a thousand times since you

Tim: do something baout it

Me: I think about finding a way to pack up everything i own including my son and just splitting. Having him walk in the door to find nothing.

Tim: do it

Me: I don't have the needed cash to do that.

Tim: i can't be;live i just dasd that

Tim: said that

Me: said what?

Tim: how juch do you think you'd need?

Me: I don't know.

Me: I never checked.

Me: I mean I'd have to find out and have a plan ..know what I was doing and where I was going.

Tim: i know wheere you'd be goiing

Me: but how do you know Tim.....without meeting me first...how can you be so sure?

Tim: Me: kewl they say that now's when the truth will come out

Tim: i rest my case

Me: we need to get you drunk more often

Me: lol

Tim: come over here and do it

Me: I wish I could

Me: I wish I could just be with you right now

Me: Last night some stuff went down and the notion that I can just accept this....my life the way it is.....ever...is just gone.

Tim: ikeep hoping that one of these days you will be

Me: I sat and cried and thought about running to you and I didn't because my life before you isn't your fault

Tim: i accept you as you are...as you were..and as you will be

Tim: unconditionally

Me: i know but I want to come to you with happy things....

Me: with brand new pages.....so we can write a new story together

Tim: forget about the parst..we coudl have our own nhaoppy thngs

Me: lol...you're so drunk..how cute

Me: I'm going to ask you these questions again when you're not drunk.....see what you say then.

Tim: i'm not that drunk to not say what i really mean

Me: Tim....

Me: I don't know what's going to happen.

Tim: i have told you sober and drunk that i care about you and that i want you

Me: but I know one thing for sure

Me: I may not be in love with you because you have to meet a person to gain that....but

Me: I do love you Tim. I do care about you. And I can't imagine you not being a part of my life.

Tim: well..we should doo somethign about it then

Me: I can't imagine no more "jenny moments" because you're the first person that's ever made me that happy

Tim: i just want you to ffeel loved

Tim: wanted

Tim: appreciated

Me: why Tim? why? why do you want that?

Tim: cause i think you';re special

Tim: and i think we could have something

Me: :-)

Me: so many obstacles......they don't scare you?

Tim: nothing scares me

Tim: except the unkown

Tim: unknown

Me: and I'm not the unknown?

Me: you've never met me

Tim: no..i feel like i'm knownt you my entire life

Me: i know what you're saying, I feel that too