PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

my self-esteem is so sad....it'll be the death of me

Tuesday, Jan. 15, 2002
Him: I would talk to you but im the middle of a science project

Me: I would talk to you but I'm not allowed to express myself.

Him: Good! your expressions should go unspoken anyways

Me: maybe I shouldn't try to think at 2 a.m.

Him: maybe you shouldnt be up at 2 am

Me: maybe

Him: no ....for sure

Me: maybe you shouldn't call me up at work and upset me either

Him: Ok fine i wont you call you at work ever again

Him: done deal

Me: oh geez

Me: I didn't say that

Me: I said you upset me

Him: well i did

Me: I don't want to fight with you

Him: well dont call you i wont be upsetting you

Me: I wanted to tell you something.

Me: you're so mad you won't let me

Me: I'm sorry

Him: im not mad im just gonna make it a point to let you handle your own affairs ===>all by yourself

Me: I said I was sorry.

Him: maybe by 8 pm ill accept it

Him: Next Year

Me: if it made you mad why then weren't you this mad last night?

Him: yes i was upset

Me: well so was I

Him: but i knew i better get some sleep

Him: you have no damn reason to be mad at me

Him: none

Me: next time you call me I'll chat to someone online at the same time

Me: see how you feel about it

Me: see what stupid stuff comes out of your mouth

Me: and no I'm not jealous and i don't care who you talk to

Me: but I shouldn't have to take a number and stand in line in the middle of a conversation

Him: i didnt plan that

Him: she came online at a wierd time and wanted to blurt out the good news

Me: I know that but the whole thing made me feel strange. Like a third wheel in the middle of my own conversation.

Me: so I said something stupid because I really didn't understand what I was feeling

Him: well normally i dont talk to 2 ppl at once but last night wasnt normal circumstances

Me: ok

Him: i just dont know why you get all goofy

Him: this is not the first time

Me: goofy?

Him: i think in real life youd get mad upset take up an attitude over all kinds of little things that all point to jealousy

Me: I knew you were going to say that I was jealous and I wasn't. But think about it...how would you feel if I did the very same thing to you ?

Me: what I shoulda done is said "I'll talk to you later..bye"

Him: ok ill do that next time

Him: but i did ask if you do or dont mind

Me: the real problem is that I was tired

Me: and already cranky before I ever called you

Me: remember?

Him: yeah doesnt hardly excuse what you said

Me: I'm not looking for an excuse.

Me: the whole thing made me feel strange

Him: ok fine

Me: you help everyone don't you?

Him: next time im gonna hang up and chat to annette

Him: its my nature

Him: what do you expect

Me: ok

Me: it was just a question

Him: to anyone who knows me its a given

Me: I realize that you coulda hung up and that you didn't diss me. I thank you for that. I just didn't handle it very well because I shoulda just went to sleep.

Him: unless your naive

Him: then it will come as a surprise ....which one are you?

Me: it wasn't a surprise

Me: it's just that it was right there all the sudden in my face

Me: number one you know how insecure I am right now...right?

Him: no

Me: we talked about this....inner demons

Me: negative self esteem = insecure

Him: well you need to go deal with that

Him: because im NOT gonna suggest anything anymore

Me: stop that

Me: this had nothing to do with that

Me: everytime I try to deal with anything on my own ....I am somehow doing the wrong thing

Me: might I remind you...."a book can't help you ....they can't write a book for everyone that will help you"

Him: i lost my memory

Me: so the answer is I get all confused and you get like this?

Him: no i just said im not gonna suggest anything anymore

Him: period

Him: you deal with your own problems anyway you like

Me: what makes you think that's what I wanted?

Me: you just dont' get it

Me: you didn't get it last night

Me: either

Me: I said flat out

Me: "I want to know that I am different to you"

Me: I didn't think my saying that was going to be taken so badly.

he went silent…and logged off…someone tell me how to get my self-esteem back…I know one way….I said I was sorry…I’m not saying anything else…I don’t like being th last person to speak….it sucks…it makes me feel even more insecure..like it matters to me but not him!



this same issue...same sad issue I fight with all the time....I need to find a way to resolve this for myself...it does sadden me that he can't accept my apology...

8:16 p.m. ::
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