cluttering the net since 2001

"I'm too scared to know how I feel about you now"

Wednesday, Jan. 02, 2002
I’m back at work. *sigh* I was ready to come back but now I’m ready to go back to bed. lol Go figure. I’m never happy or content. I would however have to say that I had a good time over my Christmas vacation. It felt too long but now I want more time.

My Christmas memories ….
Sand castles
Cold feet in surfs
“blink” one light and they all go out
Sex and the City marathon
“Diamonds are a girl’s best friend”
The “Silencer” smack down
Jam Cam
Gingerbread latte
Black tae kwon doe uniform (Bucky really liked that!)
That someone “special” conversation with Wendidarling
Drinks with Richard
Christmas party
Movies Movies Movies!!!
Books Books Books!!!

Wow I could just go crawl back into bed. I guess that’s what happens when you spend a dozen nights in a row staying up til dawn writing. The only thing I didn’t get that I wanted….well….I don’t know.

Too many goodbyes. Too many “have a nice lifes”. Too many from me. Too many given to me. It saddens me to think about it. I think the next time he does that I’m gonna make it Goodbye for good. Let him sit and pine away for me.

OMG speaking of “him”…he just called me at work. And I think that I think about him a lot. Wrong! He was thinking about me already. He’s probably thrilled because he thinks I listened to him and got rid of t his diary. Go figure. *snickers* I think this is for the best. I get to write and say what I want and he doesn’t have to concern himself with what I’m writing about. And everyone’s happy. But I feel like I’m lying to him again. Is it a lie if I said “I ended my PoeticaL diary” and here I am…. Is that a lie? Hmm... He would qualify that with "hiding something" which falls under deceit. I'm so torn. Torn between my needs and his. And in the end I must win. But I'm tortured about it. I'm torn....about my feelings.

Smilin’ PoeticaL

“And I hold you close in the back of my mind
Feels so good but damn it makes me hurt
And I’m too scared to know how I feel about you now”
- Ryan Adams
12:52 p.m. ::
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