PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

self exploration....

Thursday, Aug. 18, 2005
Lately my days have been a blur. An absolute blur of go to work, do work, try to get caught up with work and then go home and do home work and try to get caught up with school work. In between all of that I try to shower, get dressed, get undressed, eat, go to the restroom and breath. Breathing almost has to be scheduled in lately. I go home and I’m a zombie. I’m tired, lethargic…the weather is hot and the days feel too short to accomplish all that is on my plate.

I did breathe a sigh of relief when I was done with Math, however I do have more Math in my future. I just decided to give myself the chance to breath despite it being in my future days.

Ever since I enrolled in school craziness has ensured. My grandmother passed away, I moved (not once but twice!!!), I changed positions at work to something more challenging, time consuming and stressful, I bought a car, I had a war with mold, I had a flood in my closet, I have had 321,430,943,111 disagreements with my ex, I have too little sleep, too many hours logged typing at my laptop at home, too many hours logged staring at computer screens, reading school materials, writing papers, doing worksheets, problem solving and too little time reading for pleasure, spending quality time with my family, too few hours for the good stuff.

I am currently learning how to work up student schedules at work and there are a lot of proficiency rules and regulations to follow as well as policy and procedures. The big 3 P’s. It’s a lot of information to process and then utilize.

I have changed so much this year; this year has been a huge one for personal growth as well as educational knowledge as well as career development. It’s hard to remember the girl I was last August. What is prompting my re-evaluation is the fact that as of Monday, August 15th I have been working the same job for exactly one year. I have been in school since January and the months have slid by like melting butter on a hot July day, faster than I can grab them.

That girl of last year, she was living alone, struggling with her love life, working through some heavy leftover issues that she faced immediately after a bad long drawn out relationship and most of all she was looking, searching, and eventually discovering that it wasn’t too late to build the life that she once upon a time thought her’s could be.

I still manage to find time to read some books I want to read, I still manage to sit and think about where I’ve been and where I am going, fortunately I’ve still managed to somewhat keep up this journal online, and I still manage to fill my life up with good things. I will probably always want for more because we all tend to do that. We gain in life and then we look around at what is next to tackle. I still have far to go with school. I just selected two electives for the fall. “Communicating in the Virtual Workplace” and “Psychology of Personality”. I have a week off of school for my honeymoon and I have just a few things left to do before the wedding.

In the past when I went down the road of “self exploratory thoughts” I would be angry with myself. I would point out the things I could have done but didn’t, I would see only my failings as a person and I would berate myself for hours and then I would fall into a funk of unhappiness and regret. This time around during the self exploratory thoughts I have thought “wow this is something you’re achieving, you are getting there…look how far you have come, despite so much happening and so many obstacles and hurdles, you are DOING it and doing it well…(except for that damn Math!!!) I feel good about the path I am on……
4:13 p.m. ::
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