cluttering the net since 2001

self indulgent entry

Wednesday, Sept. 14, 2005
I don’t usually write about work because it’s the stuff of “dooced” possibilities. I do probably mention it on occasion but I honestly love my job, love my co-workers, love what I do and love love love my bosses so it really it not issue. I consider myself lucky to be amongst my peers when I am spending my time at work. I find much humor, support, and intelligence among the group I work with, for and around. There are many diverse personalities and I have learned and changed so much in the last year that I have worked here. I am entirely not the same person.

This occurred to me after my review yesterday. I tried and tried to remember that girl I was when I interviewed here with big eyes and even bigger hopes for the opportunity to work my way through college without the normal strife and heartache one might have to incur in my circumstances. I had no clue that in a matter of months I would be laterally promoted to a job with more responsibility and more growth potential than I had previously thought possible during the first 7 months. I have spent the last 4 months being trained between two locations. There have been trying moments, and yet I persevered. I shrugged off the usual complaints and mutterings that occur when more work is piled upon one and I chose to view it as a personal challenge and overcome it. I didn’t always know that I could do it all, but I did know I was willing to try. In being willing to try, I now realize I succeeded right then.

While all of these changes occurred for me at work (and much more that I can’t and won’t divulge about the specifics and the workflow and the exacts of job title and responsibility and work processes…) I didn’t have much time to really examine all that was happening or all that was happening to me as a person. And then I got to the tail end of the process of learning and growing and I looked back at the previous 4 months and was very very proud of myself for all of the professional growth that happened during the process of training and learning.

In the midst of all of these changes were the ongoing challenges of accepting my situation with my son, always allowing the weekend days (as much as possible!) for my time with him. There were the nights of doing laundry before or after his arrival or departure, always on my time rather than on “our” time together. I have finally outgrown the full blown angry battles with his father and learned how to express my thoughts, opinions and wishes for my son without the belittling comments and useless pettiness. I can’t say I will never relapse mind you, but I can say I have improved and learned there is no good place for the past when in a present minded conversation.

While all of these things occurred, I worked more diligently to plan a wedding, and put the small pieces together to create an entire day of celebration. I have tended to the small details, the large pieces of planning and all of the in between’s of planning and organizing and conceptualizing of the final moments of our future I do’s.

And even during this period of ongoing training and challenges at work, I have had many late nights reading schoolwork. Many Saturday’s have been entirely spent sitting in my pajamma’s drinking tea (with my study buddy Chloe by my side loyally looking on) writing papers that have made me wonder if I were on the right track. I have had moments of clarity and moments of mass confusion academically. I have battled with Math, and even prevailed valiantly over the most confusing assignments.

Oh there are things that have come in dead last in the world of priorities. Of these overlooked or neglected things I would have to list:

1. cleaning out my car

2. sorting out my old school work/materials and disposing of it or organizing it or dealing with it whatsoever…nope..haven’t done it

3. scrubbing the bathroom (however I do love Mr. Clean Erasers…it’s the slap & lick style of cleaning I love most

4. making dinner nightly (however I did cook dinner last night in return for the kickass fish fry the man made the night before)

5. organizing my books after the last move (they are still not to my exact liking, I look at them, think about doing it and then I walk away)

6. setting up a filing system in the new desk as I’ve long wished for (file..at home?...are you crazy?)

7. football (but then again when did I ever???)

There are things I haven’t given up and on that list of things would be:

1. spending time with the kid ( I LOVE the kid, that will never change!)

2. reading for fun (of course not enough, never enough, but some is more than none)

3. time spent browsing bookstores (no longer early morning Saturdays, just quick trips after work…but it tames the beast)

4. blog reading (c’mon how..how does one give that up after they are all deeply ensconced in other’s lives?)

5. planning, surfing and researching new and upcoming books (passion cannot be put away)

6. snuggling with the man (doesn’t happen near enough, but it hasn’t gone away and never will)

7. cuddling with Chloe (she’s the absolute coolest pet I’ve ever ever had! EVER!) LOVE her LOVE her. (she gives off serotonin in large doses for FREE!)

Back to my original thought process, I have been through some transformations in the last year of working for the big U. My immediate boss said some amazing things to me yesterday, things I didn’t think would show on the outside, things that have been changing within and things that I didn’t think were written on my forehead for anyone else to see. The fact that he noticed these things about my goals in life, my determination and most amazingly revealing was the depth of my desire to be more was and is visible to those around me. And that knowledge left me astounded. The fact that I took on more for no monetary gain, but with the understanding that I could achieve even greater professional growth from the challenges presented to me was acknowledged by the powers that be, well that is a really damn good feeling that has yet to wear off.

On a more personal level, I now realize I am not that same girl from last August and the changes have been good ones as far as I’m concerned. I’m a mom, a college student, an A.C. (job title) for the largest private U. in the world, a bride-to-be, a responsible pet-owner, a poet, a writer, a dreamer, and most importantly…I am a happy woman.

:thanks to my kid whose note on my wall that says “I just wanted to let you know I am so very proud of you…” keeps me going on bad days

:thanks to my fiancé that makes every day one that includes hugs and kisses and lots of eye rolls when I’m flipping out on a stress induced female crazy moment.

I love you both and owe you both so much for every smile you share.
12:28 p.m. ::
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