PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

shit for shinola

Monday, Jun. 20, 2005

Tonight Rick and I went to the beach.  I live within 15 minutes of the beach and had an entire week off and never went and rarely go to a place that thousands and g’zillions of people travel to from afar daily.  We sat in some big chairs and faced the ocean and I thought it was peaceful and relaxing and beautiful and next weekend I’ll remember this and tell myself I should go again but I probably won’t.

 

In the course of sitting there and thinking about how a new class starts tomorrow and knowing that I have to return to work and that I didn’t finish all the things I wanted to finish and really I just laid around watching Rachel Ray and Design on a Dime and “thought” about how I should buy a camera and take photos, and finish writing that novel I started forever ago and plan to go to a graduate school and research which one, and perhaps paint the living room wall that chocolate color…..in the end I didn’t do much of much that I could write home about.  I did go out on a gambling boat, I did go to the movies with the man, we did go out to eat several times, Rick did take my son and I to play miniature golf and out for Italian dinner, I did hang out with my girl Chloe all week, I did manage to read a few novels, and I did not think much about work or school. 

 

Tonight while sitting on the beach I watched him while he laid on the other wooden chair and neither of us said anything and although we have the same odd banter ridden conversations over and over daily that other’s would view as argumentative and repetitive and really they probably are….I realized that other people always have let me down in big ways.  They have disappointed me in large and obtuse ways and though I sometimes wish that Rick was the sort of guy that brought me breakfast in bed and flowers daily and wrote me poetry and lavished me with gifts and and and just was some sort of Casanova…when I looked over at him tonight while on the beach I realized that I have never sat with my head in my hands with fingers grasping at bucket’s full of tears asking myself why why why or how how how he could have done such things to me.  Never.

 

Oh I have cried and been angry and sometimes more angry at myself than my stubborn ass can ever admit to him, (afterall I am a Taurus girl and we cannot admit defeat or weakness because we are too stubborn ya know!) but in the end I cannot list out anything that this man has ever knowingly and with malicious intent done to me to be hurtful or mean towards me. 

 

Maybe other’s would see that as a nothing thing, something bad that is purely just missing from someone’s personality…does that then just become a positive trait added to the positive asset side?  I don’t know. 

 

I do know that I have jumped forth too often and stated things like ‘oh great..my ex used to do that….” About things that Rick has said or done that really had shit for shinola to do with my ex or anything that has happened in my past.

 

I need to let go of not only my grasp on the things that occurred in my past, but more so my reaction to present things that comes from the consequences in my past.

 

Today while watching him shield his eyes, slide a cigarette behind his ear, I realized that I know him far more than I ever knew my ex.  I realized that while I can’t quite always figure out what all those faces he makes mean, I do know that there isn’t one of them that mean’s he doesn’t love me. 

 

I’ll probably never be the epiphany of the average housewife from the 70’s that Rick would probably most want, I mean he wants a girl that will make dinner more than three times a year, he wants a girl that will do his laundry and sew his pants and scrub his toilet and make haircut appointments and really in the end that’s what probably 99% of the men out there want.  For me, I have to work at those things.  I can cook….pasta…. :-)  I can sew…. that is...if I really wanna! :-P  I can be all of those things but honestly they just aren't automatically inherent within me.  I have to remind myself what a good housewife would do.  I can be one if that’s all I have to worry about, but if I’m working full time and in school full time and agitated and trying to go without med’s, etc…then it’s impossibility.  I know this is why I marvel daily at those dinner trays that kristyk.org posts.  All those servings and with all those neatly tucked in food groups in each of their trays.  I marvel at her abilities.

 

I know that I don’t manage my money nearly as well as Rick manages his and I know that he see’s that as a deficit in the list of pro’s and con’s his mind surely has about me.  I learned how to “buy it now” and worry about “bills” later from my ex and I have to daily make a concerted effort to rethink my spending habits.  I have to say that lately it’s been harder because I quit my part time job and money is not there like it once was for me having two jobs that paid well.  I’m now down to one job that isn’t nearly enough in my mind.  But it would be if I didn’t do anything but pay my bills….how does one really do that always???? 

 

I suppose in the last few months and especially since becoming a student and beginning to view my future as well as myself in a more valuable way, I have realized that along with that newfound value I see faults within myself that aren’t so great.  Am I going to start to make dinner nightly?  Ahh in a wonderous world where Rick’s dreams come true…yes!!!  In reality…probably not.  Am I going to work harder at managing my money and quit asking Rick for help or worse yet looking at him with puppy dog eyes as I again state I have “no MONEY”….probably not.  I mean, I’m aware but c’mon people I’m never going to be without fault.

 

I suppose my purpose behind all this rambling is….there’s only one distinct thing that I find fault in Rick about and he and I have gone round and round about it, and I have decided to let it go.  Let it go because it’s really not that damned important after all and who was I to expect perfection when I can’t step up to the plate and claim it for myself.

 

In the sunlight….tonight at the beach….I saw perfection in the imperfection being something that just doesn’t hold enough merit to slice apart the sweet fruit that we share…..which is love.

 

Because he might not get it when he reads this, I love you honey, faults and all and yah it sucks that I make pasta 4 times a year and never steak 3 times a week.  It sucks that I didn’t rush out to do your laundry tonight but instead ate ice cream and read a book.  It sucks that I have to pick up your socks and shoes from underneath the coffee table almost daily and it sucks that I have to take you by the arm and make sure you come home safely even though that happens once a month, it sucks that I take the change you save and use it to put gas in my car every now and then and it sucks that you throw your pajama pants in the corner of the bathroom where they drive me bonkers with pent up rage….but it doesn’t suck that you keep on loving me despite my faults and it doesn’t suck that I keep on loving you despite yours.   The latter is the amazing part…because I’ve lived with faults that caused earthquakes in my heart, left marks for life, and might erupt in the future despite my constant rebuilding. 

 

Thanks for tolerating my imperfections and thanks for loving me despite them.  And mostly thanks for being patient in waiting for me to get it and catch up.

 

Maybe tomorrow I’ll make dinner, AND do all your piled up @&(@%!)*! Laundry too.  HEY I said MAYBE!! :-P

 

p.s. it’s bad when your boyfriend gives you $100 to give him a massage and do his laundry for a month (because really you’re broke and he’s trying to give you money but gain something too) and you really do neither of them…..how about when you promise him if he buys an electric screwdriver then YOU will hang up and install all of your pictures yourself…and then 2 weeks later you insist that he’s a jerk because he doesn’t jump up to help you hang a hat rack…..or how about you whine about how everything in your home was financially funded by your paycheck and not his and make him feel so guilty that he spends $20 + tax on a picture of a French field with purple flowers all around (something YOU pick out after discouraging his original choice of a wolf head) really sometimes I do suck!….and most of the time he doesn’t…..just his dirty socks do. ;-)

 

p.s.s. hopefully it helps that you write a diary entry about how you suck and he doesn’t!! I love you Rick!

 

p.s.s.s. it drives me absolutely crazy the way he lays across the bed like this to nap and yanks the sheets off of the bed (even if I can’t buy the right size that will stay because queen is too small and comes off and king is too big and won’t stay on!)
The way Rick takes a nap

...notice that Chloe doesn't mind and somehow managed to cover herself half up despite the mess! I lurve that doggie!!!

The way Chloe hangs out on the couch...like an upright human that she thinks she is!! :-)

Chloe naps like a submarine...most of her body is underwater...but her head it almost always out!

My son holding Chloe...he's getting too big!!! Growing up too fast!!

If they didn't do the things they do...I'd be lost. Yes...I admit it!  

11:50 p.m. ::
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