PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

the long and short of a too short weekend

Sunday, Mar. 21, 2004

"You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes." -Winnie the Pooh

 

 

Iíve been seriously thinking about traveling back to PA to see my grandparents for a few months now.Ever since I got the card from my grandmother where she included a happy ad for my grandfathers 80th birthday.I was taken aback that heís actually that old.Of course the fact that Iím thirty-mumble years old now would or should give me a clue.But somehow seeing that number in print plagued me.It prompted that emotional letter I recently wrote as well.

 

I donít want to go now though because itís cold there right now and itís finally perfect here in Florida.Iím all about this perfectness when it comes to the weather.

 

My son was here this weekend as well.Part of it anyway.He went skating tonight.He wrote me this letter while trying to worm his way into receiving cashola for his skating jaunt with b.f.ís nephew Shawn.The following is the letter he handed to me.Heís better at expressing himself with words.I love that he does this.This is so like me it makes me grin from ear to ear.

 

Dear Mom,

 

I will do anyting to get 15 dollars.I will fix you shoes organize your bathroom, bedroom and anything else that you would want me to organize. (I now you have 15 dollar)

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† <s>poop</s>

I will pick up anything you want me to pick up even dog food and you no I hate picking up dog poop!I will vacume just so that I could go to the skating pardy.You no I wouldend do all of this stuff for nothing.

 

Love,

*his name*

 

p.s. I love you more that most

 

 

Needless to say, my trash got emptied, the cardboard on the patio got removed, the clothes on the floor from the night before got picked up, I got a glass of water poured exclusively for me, and thankfully for my son, Chloe left no presents for the little taskmaster.And right now while I type this my son is most likely busy speed skating around the rink for his first all night skate.Yes..>I said an all night skate.This is where you pay $15 and skate from 8 p.m. until 7 a.m.The ex is picking him up and transporting him to tae kwon do in the morning.Heís on spring break. I hope heís having fun right now rather than falling asleep on the floor and getting his hands rolled over or something else.Funny how as a Mother we worry about this stuffÖ

 

When I was a kid spring break meant staying home with Mom and seeing how she spent her time while we were at school.When I was younger it was a day full of grocery shopping and errand running.As I got older it turned into hours of watching soap operas, Pepsi drinking while always holding a cigarette in one hand and a telephone in the other.I have sad memories in my adolescent years.Either way I wish I could take a week off and spend it with my son doing everything and anything this week.But alas this is now and my reality is not the same as hers.She had a man that provided for her and allowed that to happen.Crazy enough she bitched about him being a terrible husband/father for years.Stupid bitch. I donít recall her ever not having a decent car to drive or money in her pocket and I sure donít recall eating hamburger helper when I was growing up.I thought Ramen Noodles were exclusive to my friendís house because we never had to live like that.Sometimes now when I struggle wanting to give my son more I wish she had been more appreciative of things.She had a lot but to hear her tell it she had nothing but things to bitch about.

 

This weekend I watched a few movies, The Hours and Possession and some sundance film festival Spanish movie I had to read. I am probably amongst the minorities for saying this but I love love love to read movies.Yah see?Iím strange.The HoursÖa movie I didnít much understand or likeÖ.Posession in my opinion was great but a little too much like watching a Julia Roberts type movie.I tried 3 times to watch ďThe Remains of the DayĒ and I will try again when thereís no one home.Thatís a ďno one else is in the room and I can concentrateĒ type of movie.Maybe tomorrow night.

 

Tonight I talked to Bry for a while.His father is not doing well.Heís just turned 80, just had some procedure for his heart and the doctor has taken his driving privileges away from him.They physically removed his driverís license from him.I donít know how that technically works from a legal standpoint but I suppose itís like anything with life, you grow old and you donít gain more privileges, you lose them.Thereís family issues there just as I have had my own.I think he expected me to tell him to forgive his father his misgivings and make peace before his impending death, because I forgave my own father in similar circumstances, but he was surprised when I told him ďIn order for me to forgive someone I must feel that they have accepted their responsibility and wrongdoings in what I am forgiving them for, in essence the wrong doer must show me remorse and ask for forgiveness.Forgiveness is a personal choice and a individual thing.I simply told him, ďIím sorry itís all difficult right now, I hope you can find a peace within about this issue someday and not have that stabbing anger attack you and blindside you when you think of your family.If you chose to never forgive, I will respect your decision because I was never you, nor did I live your life, and therefore I cannot begin to judge your decisions and/or actions.There was silence on the other end.I can only hope that my words served him well.I will never forget that when my father passed away I sent out a group email to my friends stating I would be out of town for a week or so to attend my fatherís funeral.Bryan was the only person that directly contacted me.I was out of town and received his voicemail when I stepped out of the funeral home after receiving my fathers ashes and not being able to touch that small box that looked like it contained candy not human remains.I stood there trying to catch my breath and noticed I had a voice msg.I played it and will never forget the grace he displayed in leaving me a message that finally allowed me to let go and embrace the grief and pain and cry standing alone in the parking lot of the funeral home.

 

Tonight I paused while listening to him tell me heíll be traveling to Fort Worth and prayed to God that if and when the time comes that I will repay him in kindness and grace myself.Will I find the right words so seemingly and easily as he did?Sometimes life is so difficultÖ.

 

Time for some sleepÖ.

 

-PoeticaL

11:04 p.m. ::
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