the long and short of a too short weekend
"You can't
stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have
to go to them sometimes." -Winnie the Pooh
I�ve been seriously
thinking about traveling back to PA to see my grandparents for a few months
now.� Ever since I got the card from my
grandmother where she included a happy ad for my grandfathers 80th
birthday.� I was taken aback that he�s
actually that old.� Of course the fact
that I�m thirty-mumble years old now would or should give me a clue.� But somehow seeing that number in print
plagued me.� It prompted that emotional
letter I recently wrote as well.
I don�t want to go
now though because it�s cold there right now and it�s finally perfect here in
Florida.� I�m all about this perfectness
when it comes to the weather.�
My son was here
this weekend as well.� Part of it
anyway.� He went skating tonight.� He wrote me this letter while trying to worm
his way into receiving cashola for his skating jaunt with b.f.�s nephew
Shawn.� The following is the letter he
handed to me.� He�s better at expressing
himself with words.� I love that he does
this.� This is so like me it makes me
grin from ear to ear.
Dear Mom,
I will do anyting
to get 15 dollars.� I will fix you shoes
organize your bathroom, bedroom and anything else that you would want me to
organize. (I now you have 15 dollar)
�����������������������������������������������������������������������������
<s>poop</s>�
I will pick up
anything you want me to pick up even dog food and you no I hate picking up dog
poop!� I will vacume just so that I
could go to the skating pardy.� You no I
wouldend do all of this stuff for nothing.
Love,
*his name*
p.s. I love you
more that most
Needless to say, my trash got emptied, the
cardboard on the patio got removed, the clothes on the floor from the night
before got picked up, I got a glass of water poured exclusively for me, and
thankfully for my son, Chloe left no presents for the little taskmaster.� And right now while I type this my son is most
likely busy speed skating around the rink for his first all night skate.� Yes..>I said an all night skate.� This is where you pay $15 and skate from 8
p.m. until 7 a.m.� The ex is picking him
up and transporting him to tae kwon do in the morning.� He�s on spring break. I hope he�s having fun
right now rather than falling asleep on the floor and getting his hands rolled
over or something else.� Funny how as a
Mother we worry about this stuff�
When I was a kid spring break meant staying
home with Mom and seeing how she spent her time while we were at school.� When I was younger it was a day full of
grocery shopping and errand running.� As
I got older it turned into hours of watching soap operas, Pepsi drinking while
always holding a cigarette in one hand and a telephone in the other.� I have sad memories in my adolescent
years.� Either way I wish I could take a
week off and spend it with my son doing everything and anything this week.� But alas this is now and my reality is not
the same as hers.� She had a man that
provided for her and allowed that to happen.�
Crazy enough she bitched about him being a terrible husband/father for
years.� Stupid bitch. I don�t recall her
ever not having a decent car to drive or money in her pocket and I sure don�t
recall eating hamburger helper when I was growing up.� I thought Ramen Noodles were exclusive to my friend�s house
because we never had to live like that.�
Sometimes now when I struggle wanting to give my son more I wish she had
been more appreciative of things.� She
had a lot but to hear her tell it she had nothing but things to bitch
about.�
This weekend I watched a few movies, The Hours
and Possession and some sundance film festival Spanish movie I had to read. I
am probably amongst the minorities for saying this but I love love love to read
movies.� Yah see?� I�m strange.� The Hours�a movie I didn�t much understand or like�.Posession in
my opinion was great but a little too much like watching a Julia Roberts type
movie.� I tried 3 times to watch �The
Remains of the Day� and I will try again when there�s no one home.� That�s a �no one else is in the room and I
can concentrate� type of movie.� Maybe
tomorrow night.�
Tonight I talked to Bry for a while.� His father is not doing well.� He�s just turned 80, just had some procedure
for his heart and the doctor has taken his driving privileges away from
him.� They physically removed his driver�s
license from him.� I don�t know how that
technically works from a legal standpoint but I suppose it�s like anything with
life, you grow old and you don�t gain more privileges, you lose them.� There�s family issues there just as I have
had my own.� I think he expected me to
tell him to forgive his father his misgivings and make peace before his impending
death, because I forgave my own father in similar circumstances, but he was
surprised when I told him �In order for me to forgive someone I must feel that
they have accepted their responsibility and wrongdoings in what I am forgiving
them for, in essence the wrong doer must show me remorse and ask for
forgiveness.� Forgiveness is a personal
choice and a individual thing.� I simply
told him, �I�m sorry it�s all difficult right now, I hope you can find a peace
within about this issue someday and not have that stabbing anger attack you and
blindside you when you think of your family.�
If you chose to never forgive, I will respect your decision because I
was never you, nor did I live your life, and therefore I cannot begin to judge
your decisions and/or actions.� There
was silence on the other end.� I can
only hope that my words served him well.�
I will never forget that when my father passed away I sent out a group
email to my friends stating I would be out of town for a week or so to attend
my father�s funeral.� Bryan was the only
person that directly contacted me.� I
was out of town and received his voicemail when I stepped out of the funeral
home after receiving my fathers ashes and not being able to touch that small
box that looked like it contained candy not human remains.� I stood there trying to catch my breath and
noticed I had a voice msg.� I played it
and will never forget the grace he displayed in leaving me a message that
finally allowed me to let go and embrace the grief and pain and cry standing
alone in the parking lot of the funeral home.
Tonight I paused while listening to him tell
me he�ll be traveling to Fort Worth and prayed to God that if and when the time
comes that I will repay him in kindness and grace myself.� Will I find the right words so seemingly and
easily as he did?� Sometimes life is so
difficult�.
Time for some sleep�.
-PoeticaL