cluttering the net since 2001

*sigh* the net...

Tuesday, Jul. 30, 2002
Internet relationships….are…more than difficult. You start out wanting to be friends. You randomly run across someone that’s just fun to chat to. Then a few weeks into it, you’re addicted. It’s worse than quitting crack. Maybe that’s why I wanted it to be ugly because I wish I could just hate. Hate is such an easy emotion. Certain things in my life, other people see and say, ‘how do you deal with that?’ Massive amounts of silent hate. Hate is the biggest killer of pain.

I wanted to hate him and just be numb about the whole mess because I can’t hate him. Because it’s never been about him so much as it’s been about amazingly high levels of stress and amazingly high levels of expectations that never paid off. Then the resentment sets in. Then you realize it’s no longer about talking to someone you enjoy talking to. It’s worse than work it’s debilitating and robbing you of “real life” happiness.

But that only happens when one person goes farther than the other when one person wants more than the other ever did. I either care all the way or not at all. It’s nearly impossible for me to sit in the middle of the show and watch it from the sidelines emotionally. Watch someone run off and be happy elsewhere. It’s so hard, because I want him to be happy. He probably doesn’t believe that. But I do want for his happiness.

I’m not ever talking about this again. I will only say this.

He is a very special person for whom I hold only high regard. Anything I ever said in a derogatory manner towards him was out of frustration and feeling less than good enough for him to want to choose to be with me. I wanted nothing more than to be near him, around him…close to him. I didn’t want those things because he’s not a good guy. He’s bright, successful, attractive, genuine, a true friend. I messed up a lot of things. I am to blame for a great deal. All he’s ever tried to do was be my friend and help me. I fell too hard. I couldn’t handle the constant rejection feeling. I couldn’t handle watching him with someone else always, and I’m shitty for that, selfish for that. Of all the people that I have ever known and will probably ever know, he was the most influential and honestly in my heart…I know I’m not ever going to be with him because of what I couldn’t be towards him in return.

I had gotten to the point where I hated to talk to anyone online until I met “t”. And saw and do see how different it can be. I don’t experience the back and forth power struggles. The “don’t bother me I’m busy” crap. The “let me break out all the rules” before we discuss anything” shit. If he can’t chat to me, he doesn’t log on. And when he logs on, he speaks to me immediately. It’s so damn simple. So straight forward. So easy.

I firmly believe and will always believe that the Internet is just like real life. It all depends how two people interact and cope and deal with everything. I have seen many marriages happen and remain good from meeting on the Internet. Don’t believe me go check out proofrock and qwenllian diaries respectively. They overcame and continue to overcome to be together. Love is love whether it’s online or not online.

I think people just tend to want to point their finger at the Internet and blame it for the messed up relationships that happen. Guess what…look around. They’re everywhere! But so are the good ones.

Last night was horrible. And then I talked to “t” and he was there for me. And I realize that it has nothing to do with a computer or a phone or someone standing in the room or not. It has to do with someone genuinely caring for another person and being open towards that person without conditions.

Have I mentioned yet that I love that military haircut? That I love that he doesn’t care about my diary. Have I mentioned that he loves my poetry and reads my quixotic diary. Have I said that I am working on a poetry only diary just so he can read something everyday? I know he does too cause he greets me with reference to my entries. That’s so sweet. Have I brought up the fact that he drops me ‘e’ everyday and doesn’t point out any of his efforts to be close to me expecting a pat on the back, a thank you and a grateful greeting card? If I haven’t ….backspace and read that stuff again.

Did I mention that this is my diary? Did I say that lots of people have em. Do a search, you’ll come up with thousands of them. It’s a normal activity. Did I just say this is my diary and I’m keeping it? Uh…yeah … ok well it is and I am! Did I mention that a diary can’t be hacked through google, for all those that expressed concern. I think you need to be a hacker to hack a diary, either that or as smart as “him”. I never was too fucking good at hiding shit from him. All that time...all that information and I still don't own a catheter.

added a pic of “t” last night


special thanks to Sandy for letting me vent last night. Your friendship is the best. And to e-nymph for making me laugh over panties at a time when I needed to laugh.
9:51 a.m. ::
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