cluttering the net since 2001


Tuesday, Mar. 26, 2002

I moved into the “new” house with my husband and son last night. Husband busted his ass moving stuff from my apartment, stuff from the house, stuff from…. My head started to spin. The company he works for is…well it’s a lumber company much like Home Depot, but not Home Depot. They let him use a very nice full size pick-up truck to move with. We got all of the furniture out of my apartment in pretty much one trip. All my books are again laying on the floor. I don’t know why but this bothers me. I woke up at 2 a.m. thinking about those books all piled together like that. It gives me quivers…

I got to sleep in this morning and then casually eat breakfast with “Bucky” in the sunroom. Yes…sunroom. A nice big room with wall to wall windows. The sun streaming in…life is good.

I know that few understand. But ya know there was no one in that hospital room 9 years ago, but husband. Allowing me to grip his hand til it was black and blue…..it was him that laughed…yes I said “laughed” when I backed a brand new Volkswagen into a metal pole the first day we had it. Yes he laughed. It was him that got up at 3 a.m. to change diapers so I could sleep…even though he was the one that was working 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. and I was a stay at home mommy. It was him that always encouraged me to chase after better jobs. Him that shows up to jump-start my car every time I forget to turn off my radio, and smiles at me. Yes he smiles at me.

Yes he and I have had some knock down drag out throw shit at each fights. Yes I have seen him at his worst. But remember…he’s seen me at my worst too. I have cheated on him. He caught me. He and I have both cheated on each other in the last 2 years more than once. We got lost somewhere and it all came down to the same issues. We stopped communicating with each other. And we started to look for that communication, friendship, companionship elsewhere. But we both found out that it’s always been there between us. When I said I was moving out, it was him that went with me looking for apartments. It was him that helped me move my furniture. It was actually him that encouraged me to find myself. Him that sat back and let me go do whatever it was I wanted.

I want to be right where I am right now. I am content. I am fully aware of everything that’s been going on and we are working things out. We are freely talking to each other about it all. We have a long way to go. But last night when he got back from my apartment with my clothes loaded into that truck and started to carry them in even though he majorly fucked up his shoulder moving the loveseat by himself. He was carrying my clothes in with his left hand only. It’s that stuff….those small things…that I overlooked for years.

Last night husband and I had that big nice truck from where he works with it’s name right on the side. And we drove to the old house to load up Bucky’s bed and stuff and Mrs. Cleaver was just walking out her front door 3 feet away carrying shit out of her house in her hands…loading it all into her car by hand I couldn’t resist saying “awww…check it out…a nice brand new “(*&@ Lumber” truck!!!!!!” Boy it sucks to be you. No man..no truck…. Boy you didn’t plan that out too well did you? She just got in her car without saying a word and left. HAHAHAHAHA …teeheee…. Damn that was funny!!!!

Last night I was so tired, I crawled into bed and just about fell right to sleep and then I remembered…that he was there again and I rolled over and moved across the bed and laid my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat in his chest. He groaned cause I hit his shoulder and I’m sure it hurt…..but when I apologized and went to move away..he said “no” and pulled me closer. I am amazing on my own. I don’t need my husband. I was doing just fine all by myself. I’m where I am because it’s where I truly in my heart want to be.

To borrow my best friends words…..because he’s the first person to say it with such simplicity…..

”It may not make sense for most people or be the easy way but I know in my heart it will work in the end.” – Madprophet


In stillness and simplicity
In the silence of the heart I see
The mystery of eternity
Who lives in side of me
-Michael Card
9:34 a.m. ::
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