PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

smiological

Tuesday, Apr. 27, 2004
Someone I read lists ďShe wants to be a mom againĒ as their comment behind my diary name. Iíve never seen that until today. I do want to be a mom again. I would prefer to be a fulltime mommy again to my already existing son instead of this shareware existence we currently have. That would be my number one preference. Secondly, I am turning 34 this year and never thought Iíd be 34 yearning for another child, but here I am doing exactly that. Seeing as how the ďtryingĒ has been going on for a year now I donít hold out a huge beam of hope that itís going to happen again in my lifetime. And soon enough if it doesnít then Iíll be wondering if I should allow myself to take the risk of being so old while giving birth, let alone being too old to outlive the child. My son is 11. 11!! I sometimes donít know where all of those years went, and then I remember how I spent them in marital hell and they feel like somewhat of a lifetime.

At one point and time I was ready to have my tubes tied. I was entirely sure I didnít want any more babies. Now? Now I see little girls everywhere I go. I smell powder-scented items and I think of baby powder and I get this longing inside that is insane. Biological smiological clock syndrome I call it. When did this happen to me?

I suppose Iím angry that I havenít gotten pregnant and I mull over the reasons this might be and Iíve always felt that ultimately it is God who decides these things. Perhaps he thinks Iím not ready for another child, or that my life is blessed as it is. And when I look at my son, I realize Iíve been lucky.

I just wish all these people on diaryland with these cutie pítutie little girls would stop slathering their pictures all over my eyeballs. Itís making my uterus echo with want.

I used to think a person should be married before bringing a child into the world, and part of me still subscribes to that theory and then the other part says nahÖkids outlast marriage, at least mine did!!

-PoeticaL
8:33 a.m. ::
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