PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

smiological

Tuesday, Apr. 27, 2004
Someone I read lists �She wants to be a mom again� as their comment behind my diary name. I�ve never seen that until today. I do want to be a mom again. I would prefer to be a fulltime mommy again to my already existing son instead of this shareware existence we currently have. That would be my number one preference. Secondly, I am turning 34 this year and never thought I�d be 34 yearning for another child, but here I am doing exactly that. Seeing as how the �trying� has been going on for a year now I don�t hold out a huge beam of hope that it�s going to happen again in my lifetime. And soon enough if it doesn�t then I�ll be wondering if I should allow myself to take the risk of being so old while giving birth, let alone being too old to outlive the child. My son is 11. 11!! I sometimes don�t know where all of those years went, and then I remember how I spent them in marital hell and they feel like somewhat of a lifetime.

At one point and time I was ready to have my tubes tied. I was entirely sure I didn�t want any more babies. Now? Now I see little girls everywhere I go. I smell powder-scented items and I think of baby powder and I get this longing inside that is insane. Biological smiological clock syndrome I call it. When did this happen to me?

I suppose I�m angry that I haven�t gotten pregnant and I mull over the reasons this might be and I�ve always felt that ultimately it is God who decides these things. Perhaps he thinks I�m not ready for another child, or that my life is blessed as it is. And when I look at my son, I realize I�ve been lucky.

I just wish all these people on diaryland with these cutie p�tutie little girls would stop slathering their pictures all over my eyeballs. It�s making my uterus echo with want.

I used to think a person should be married before bringing a child into the world, and part of me still subscribes to that theory and then the other part says nah�kids outlast marriage, at least mine did!!

-PoeticaL
8:33 a.m. ::
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