cluttering the net since 2001

so many questions

Friday, Apr. 25, 2003
It's gotten to the point where I'm actually surprised when diaryland lets me in. I'm so surprised in fact that I now know how a raging hormone infested 15 year old boy in Idaho must feel when Sally doesn't push his hands away from her breastes'es. (I never thought I'd have to know how to spell that word.)

We made up, but I realize I'm so very f'd up. The things that my ex did to me haunt me in visions of a sort. I get these "oh fuck I remember how that felt" panic attacks whenever anything similiar happens with Rick. What the hell causes this reaction I have? And how the hell do you just up and forget 12 years of experiences because you want to?

I refer to all of this because last night I up and left the apartment because something bothered me and yet I so didn't want to get into one of those "head pounding teeth knashing" conversations that just make me ache. I know I'm wrong to do that, but it was a f'd up effort to avoid bad feelings. In my attempt to do so I hurt Rick's feelings by dissapearing for a few hours. I didn't have intentions of dissapearing for a few hours, it was more of a self preservation "I need time" thing. But I could have said that. I could have said, "hey Rick I'm stressing out right now."

He says I need more time with my shrink, that I'm not getting enough time. Yeah...I would tend to agree, but more time costs more $$$$ which is something I don't have. So while I struggle to get it together and recover from the hellish things I experienced, and I try hard to come up with the $$$$ to function in a healthy manner with those around me, ex will be taking Bucky to Orlando to party and have fun. It's as if life goes on for him with a giant lollipop added in for measure while I struggle to overcome and forge ahead.

I know I am so blessed to have Rick in my life, to have this love. His support and attitude towards our relationship simply blows me away. His unfailing in his convictions to stick it out and build something wonderful with me. And yet his thought process includes "I can't wait until Bucky is 18 so that you can move on with your life."

When you share a child with someone can you ever really divorce them from influencing your life? If so..how? Damn I wish I had these answers. I need them so badly.

Rick says its a choice. You choose to be happy rather than disturbed. How do you change your gut reactions to events that stroke your scars?

So many questions...
7:42 a.m. ::
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