cluttering the net since 2001


Tuesday, Feb. 12, 2002
I am currently reading Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel. Something about her account of her depression makes me realize that I’m not depressed. I’ve been sad because I have an idealistic view of life. I believe in fairytales and all things good and just some pretty shitty stuff has left me disappointed inside. But depressed? Cutting my flesh with razor blades to “feel”? Nope, that is the farthest thing from who I am. But hey..the book is great.

Yesterday after work I talked with Madprophet. I wonder if he knows that I love to ramble on and on about everything to him. So much so that I have no idea how long I kept talking after my Sprint PCS phone said “lost call”. I was just talking and talking and he’s so quiet that I never realized he was gone for awhile. Teehee… Now I know I talk too damn much!

I got “him” a Valentines Day gift last night. I just showed Lynda cause I’m shipping it from here using their Fed-Ex account so that it gets there faster and on time. She liked it. But I wasn’t really sure what to get him. I think I could have done better, but Lynda said it was very nice. I got him a “black” pen with the word “SOMEDAY” engraved on it. The word that has come to mean everything. It was hard because he and I have a ton of private jokes, etc. I love that about our relationship. I love that it’s always been like that. We could have an entire conversation that no one else would ever truly grasp. But he and I would. And in the end that’s all that matters. Right?

Lynda asked me what “someday” meant. She said “does that mean “someday we’ll be together?” I said, “It means a thousand things and yet it’s so hard to put it all together.” She said, “Try!” with a big smile. I said, “To me it means someday as in there’s always a tomorrow, always something more waiting around the corner for us all.” She just said “uh uh….well…ok”.

I thought a pen was fitting because so far all we’ve been able to share is “words”. Someday is most significant between he and I because of Alan Jacksons song. Its rather a juxtaposition to call that “our” song. But somehow it just has happened. If you know the lyrics, its odd. It’s like a break-up song. There’s been a few times when he’s sang that song for me and made the comment while live on the mic after singing it… “…and sometimes it does”.

I notice there’s not a person in or around my life that ever says “what about husband?” There’s not one person that has ever said that. I suppose they’ve all seen what he’s done to me. How he’s crushed my spirit and heart. There’s not a person rooting for him in any of this. I know that much. I see it everyday. I think once a man grabs a kid and yanks him away from his mother all under the guise of going for burgers…well it just leaves a sour taste in everyone’s mouth.

While standing there discussing the pen and shipment etc, Lynda stops mid conversation and says “ya know…I can see that you’ve lost weight. You look good. You’re making progress.” Now you know, coming from a fellow female, that’s such a nice thing to be told. Especially one that I really like and admire as a person. Especially when I’m wearing my new Mossimo T and dark blue size 16 jeans. My goal is “size 11”. That was the size I wore before I had “Bucky”. I want a pair of Tommy jeans…size 11. Someday…..


And I said someday
I'll get my life straight
She said all I've ever wanted was to love you
And somewhere deep inside me I still do
-Alan Jackson
10:23 a.m. ::
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