cluttering the net since 2001

someday i'll get my life straight..

Monday, Nov. 18, 2002
I know that everyone can read my words and for a while now I have been reluctant to talk about so many things. I have offended people I personally know along the way while truly only wanting to find myself through writing here. Most people donít understand my need to have a diary or my need to express myself. If I hold it all in for too long then I just explode and bad things happen to my spiritual well being. Yeah I should just get a meditation CD and sit around trying to find myself. But thatís just never worked for me. I canít silence my crackhead-like brain that runs in a thousand directions long enough to find inner peace.

I tried to sit down at ďhisĒ suggestion and clear my mind, the assignment was to write down every thought that pushed its way into my head until I learned to silence the thinking and find some inner sanctum. I sat down and five minutes later I had 3 pages of bullshit thoughts and still hadnít found the calm.

Last night I was ticked at him because I needed to talk about something and wanted to talk to him and he didnít make himself available to discuss the particular issue I was wanting to talk about. But Iíve been ticked a thousand times before at ďhimĒ and Iíve learned along the way that if I let the dust settle and walk away then when I come back or wait for him to come back around, things are much clearer in the morning. He wrote to me this morning and its not so much what he said, but rather that he took the time to write it, and I was right, things were immediately much clearer. The heat of the moment is always the worst time to spout off about your own needs and wants.

I should write my bullshit down and throw the paper away instead of dumping it on ďhimĒ cause just because someoneís your friend doesnít mean that you can dump all over them at will. Its so easy to want to do that sort of thing when you know that someone is a good listener, a great adviser and better yet, a logical thinker when I myself am lately all over the road due to my frustrations.

Weíve been friends all this time that Iíve been silent about it. Mostly because ďheĒ couldnít take having himself spoken about. I would say that if he sat and kept a public diary and talked about some of the stupid shit Iíve done along the way Iíd cringe in my seat. Iíd probably hate it. It has been a struggle not to talk about him because I have thousands of conversations with him that lead me to think about some pretty deep things. Most of my own changes have come as a result of so much self-examination through his friendship. Heís a smart guy who doesnít let me manipulate any situation. And that in itself is a frustration to me. Heís far too smart for me to pull the wool over his eyes.

Itís been hard not to talk about ďhimĒ because heís truly my best friend. But on the other hand I have respected his wishes. Hopefully he wonít read this entry. Its been hard not to at least acknowledge the importance of this friendship in my life the last months that Iíve gone silent about it.

To answer those of you that have asked along the way, heís doing well and I believe he and I have found a less rocky place to be with each other. We are friends and that friendship means more to me than anything further.

Mostly I think Iím not as good of a friend to him in return. After all here I am breaking my vow of silence. But if he does read this hopefully heíll see that I have a deeper reason and that I appreciate his being a part of my life. That I am sorry I dump all over him and that the waters are much more valuable if they are clear.

Along the way I have talked to quite a few fellow diarylanderís and have been told that I give great advice. I think itís a direct result of paying attention for the last 3 years to ďhimĒ.

Tonight I was thinking about the fact that Christmas is rolling around again, what do you send someone thatís been there for you even though youíve never had your head completely straight because of the fucked up mess youíre standing in?

Itís easy to be someoneís friend when their life is going great. Man it must be so much harder to do that same thing when its loaded down with sadness and sorrow. How do you thank someone for putting up with a sad and sorrowful situation when they truly havenít had to?

Maybe you do that by writing down your grief and scribbling all your agony and throwing it away. Finding the one smile you have that day and sharing that instead. Yeah I think thatís what Iím going to try very hard to do from now on.

There is a reason for everything, even if everything seems reasonably difficult to understand.


ďAnd I said someday
I'll get my life straightÖĒ
Alan Jackson
10:55 p.m. ::
prev :: next