cluttering the net since 2001

someday sun (poem)

Sunday, Aug. 18, 2002
Oh so much for talking
It's all been said before
I'm hearing something
but I wish you'd just say more

We have the same conversations countless times. So much that I could silence you and stand in and be the actor for all of your lines. All the times youíve told me that Iím doing something wrong. All the times that Iíve been told not to talk about it. All the rights and wrongs and all the fault lines I have probed until the earthquake comes and I want to fall in the crevices of old pain and feel my chest smashed by the rock of old doubts.

Don't tell me
How to be
'Cause I like some suffering
Don't ask me
What I need
I'm just fine
Here finding me

The only thingís Iíve ever wanted was to find my own voice. My own piece of happiness. The world is not a bleak place just because I have too many tears engulfing my face to always see it. I wipe and wipe and you remind and remind me of why and how and as soon as I gain some clarity you punch me in the face with your reminders and I cant not cry. I just wish youíd sometimes let me be happy inside, even if itís false. Just so I can bridge the gap between my sadness and my wishes. Just long enough to get some strength to fight on.
I've already given
Up on getting through
I never question
Who I'm talking to

Oh so much for nothing
But nothing means so much
I know it's touching
But I've been out of touch

Yes sometimes I fall out of touch with things because something comes along. Someone comes along that is my friend first. Someone that makes me feel good inside and I hang onto the edge of him like a boat in a stormy sea because I donít know how to love without being terrified. Iíve never been able to have that luxury.

I hung onto the edge of you for years, looking at your face, pleading for just one hand to pull me in. You sped away and I nearly drowned. Now you keep driving back in your boat to take a look and make sure Iím alive so you donít feel so damn guilty about fleeing all the ugliness you see in me.

So here I slave inside of a broken dream
Forever holding on to splitting seams
So take your piece and leave me alone to die
I don't need you to keep my faith alive

Sometimes I just donít want you to like me anymore. I donít want you to talk to me anymore. I donít want you to wake me up anymore. I donít want to hear your voice and feel anything anymore. Sometimes I wish I didnít know from you how pathetic it all feels when it doesnít work out. Sometimes I hate you. And sometimes I just want to hold you and make it all make sense. And sometimes I wish I was your bird in a closet being silenced because I really shouldnít have anything to say anymore. I shouldnít need you to be my friend anymore. I donít need your pity, your guilt, your need to make me whole so that you donít forever feel like half. I donít need it. Even if my body responds to your voice like a magnet to metal, even if I run to every rotary dial phone to return your call of my name from instinct planted long ago. I need to find a way to breath all by myself. Your CPR comes with a price.

You never really know
What it is
Not until it goes
And if it comes again
It's a miracle

Why canít you just let me be happy that I found a way to believe in love again. You were always the one that said that I was tainted and that I was damaged and couldnít ever be the same as someone whoíd never been left. You told me a thousand times I had no romance in my heart and I was cold and bleeding inside. Remember all those sentences about how I was bitter.

Sometimes you make me want to find him and not let him go. Sometimes you make me want to wrap my limbs around his every thought so that he needs my warmth in a way you never did. Sometimes you make me more determined to love him all the more.

Because of what you did. Never being sure of me. Never giving anything back that I gave to you like it was entirely free. I want to tell him these words..

I need to know if you were real
'Cause I've been known to get it wrong
When the memory comes
I'll say I'm always in the dark
You got me now

And if he ever comes back over and over again just to see me in the ocean failing and trying to find strength, I swear Iíll throw my piranha palms out and smack his perfect smile like I could never do to you. I swear Iíll run a thousand miles and be a woman strong enough to laugh at his long distance race. Iíll stand a million inches tall and look down at his head and do what I never could do to you. Iíll cry no tears. Iíll be nothing like I was in your wake. Iíll be laughter bright red with absence of scars. Iíll smother his needs with my wants. Iíll push him down under the surface of the water and Iíll tighten my thighs and wait. Wait until he is there no more. And my heart wonít ache. Because Iíll be the one that took him, Iíll be the only one that caused the break.

You know Iíve loved you. Youíve said itís impossible but the impossibility is that I havenít when I have known the edge of every knife. I have bled for you endless nights. I have listened, leaned against your every word until I lost myself.

SomedayÖ, it will come.
And my laughter
You won't hear
The faster
I disappear
And time will burn your eyes to tears

I really hate the fact that no matter what I do, you have come to represent all the doubts I will fight forever. I hate that you make me rememberÖ.

I get up sometimes
Like somebody else
Am I just wasting time
For somebody else

Itís ok. Someday Iíll pass you on the streets of my mind and I wonít feel anything. Because Iím waiting and someday it will be real. If it hurts now just because heís somewhere else. It will never hurt as badly as how you could have been right beside me if I just had meant enough. I will always wait on love. Even if I have to do it in tears and doubtÖ

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover

I will never love anyone again the way I thought that I loved you. I will never againÖbecause it was and is nothing but nothing.

Never again no
No never again

This time I will love halfway until he catches up to the middle. Ė PoeticaL

I'm here now
Holding on to reasons
I faced it
Watching you deny me

Don't try to convince me that just because you did it, that someone else will. Isn't it bad enough that you couldn't give me happiness yourself. Do you have to come around and take away the smiles someone else is trying to give?

And you say
What did I say
What did you say
We just
Go away
Go away
Go away...

I don't want you to care about me. It just hurts me that it's never enough to matter but enough to ruin enough of what hasn't even had a chance to begin.

I know this is deeper
Than you get
But you're coming back again
You don't mean to waste my time
But your coming back so
Don't tell me
How to be

(all above bolded passages via Vertical Horizons Everything You Want lyrics)

my poem written while listening to this albumÖ.

Someday Sun

sunday ..
late afternoon.
tree limbs
canít hold me
anymore or less than can you

chain saws kill all
music drifting
as strangers loiter
on the front lawn
iím alone
eyes shut

when thereís no poem
that can fix any
me, any it

the sun just drifts again


7:22 p.m. ::
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