cluttering the net since 2001

someone will see that again... (poem ..prose)

Sunday, Aug. 18, 2002
I found this tonight in my documents…and vaguely remember a conversation with someone that made me feel everything in the world. And I miss this person like no one else I’ve ever come to miss before him or after him. he was and im sure still is amazing. he is like a secret I never tell…he just got it every time, not just sometimes…and this was so long ago I almost forgot and then tonight I remembered and cried because I thought I would never forget. Remembering was such agony that for a minute there I was glad I had forgot. I never wanted to be glad for that. This file was dated 6-15-2001… I get so close to beautiful things but can never touch them, have them, taste them....complete them.

Used (to Feeling This Way)

i can't tell you to not
but don’t do anything
that will cheapen your heart

dont do anything with
your body that will cheapen
your heart baby..

don’t fall off the wall
hang on

the souls hanging on ropes
strangling for breath
the crack in the pavement whistles to me
i don’t know how not to fight

i was hurt so bad
cause i got away
to think,
i had plenty of sex
had plenty of orgasms

in strange ways grew closer to
whomever i was physically with
only to have the pain come back into me..

because no matter how much i fucked
no matter how good it felt
when the cleanup showers
were done
"the pain the emptiness”


it made me feel hollow and
like a used condom
waiting to be flushed away
from all prosperous means of life.

sex is just a bottle of pills…
i want to forever sleep sweet
put your memories somewhere safe
there was oxygen before me
there will be more after me
you’ll be ok

so what..there will be oxygen after we both die
but you are here ,you are now

i was
i'm not anymore

condem me to a life bearing that kind of pain?

yes sooner or later i would meet someone else,
but if you love me as much as you say i do
than you wont condemn me to a life bearing that kind of pain,,

you'd not bear it for life
I'd be but a wrinkle in the page

you have to stay with me Kristy,..

you have to be the only one that loves me for me
because you already are..

someone will see that again
someone strong enough to touch it
i'm not

one ripple effects everyone,
it travels outward..
and ill be damned
if i have to hunt your child down
and explain to him why mommy
decided she didnt want to be
in his or anyone else’s life ..ever again.

i’m sure
i’ll be ok
I just don’t know when
and when seems like it forgot it's bus ticket

our souls will remember this a thousand years hence
and we will barely recall it
dimmed by the back drop
of half an eternity of beautiful bliss

you see?
see how fucked up I am?
all you've ever done is love me
and I think no one can possibly....like you do...
i won't let myself have it
taste it
know it
why am I like this?

and it makes you highly emotional
you’re beautifully complicated
you have too much to say
too much
for the words that this world owns

5:38 a.m. ::
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