so tired...so tired....ozzy lyrics but I don't have the song..
Wednesday, Oct. 08, 2003
If you want to know how my day was why don't you ask me yourself?
Why don't you say hello when I come home after a long day? Why is it
that that woman in the divorce class was right when she told me I was
now a statistic?
Work is mindless, it's make a call, listen to excuses and reasons the general public can't pay their bills, note the account, call the next debtor. Boring shit. Why is it the more money I make the easier the job is? Why is easy so damn unfulfilling for me? Why can't I be happy to cash in on the mindless taskless shit I now do for a living and smile about it? Why do I want to feel challenged? Why do I want to do something that feels like it's of importance rather than just a money- making deal for some fat cat wearing a tie and a plastic grin?
I miss my last job sometimes, it was far more interesting, I at least spoke to intelligent people via telephone. Now it's just fools on welfare who use all these things as excuses for their lives. Listening to it night and day at work makes me feel less inclined to want to say to anyone, "yes but let me tell you all the why's for why my life isn't where I want it to be and instead makes me want to find ways to change it.
Lately Rick and I have had these struggles about "expectations" of each other and sharing of our lives as one. I suppose my expectations are somewhere above reality because somehow it's not fitting right now. I expect to feel wanted, needed, supported, loved. Mostly I feel like I "have to" make dinner, "have to" worry about his transportation needs. "have to" "should" "would" "could" But in all this long list he seems to have for me, there are also his demands that I can't and don't want to be these things for him. I want an equal. I want to know that someone's there for me. That if something goes awry in my life, financial, mental, or otherwise that there is an equal partner that I can rely upon. I am a Taurus and we hold "security" in high regard. I don't feel very secure when I can't rely on my man to check my oil, take out the trash, and/or advise me about my choices in life. Most of the time when I ask for his imput I get little or he says a lot of "I don't know what to say, I don't know Kristy I don't know." When I get these replies to my inquiries then I tend to not inquire much anymore and I look for guidance elsewhere.
I have found myself calling my ex-husband inquiring for guidance. What the fuck is wrong with that picture? Can you say co-dependent??? I suppose there's a large part of me that is lost. There are things that have happened between Rick and I that terrify me to say the least. I always said I'd never allow these things to happen to me and yet here I am making apologies and excuses trying to ice over this burnt piece of cake event. I'm really angry that he could do these things to me when he claims he loves me. I see the destruction and excuse it away saying that somehow I deserve this. I want to make "it all better". Isn't this the same shit I did before. Oddly enough I spoke in depth about this shit with someone who advised me not to take it.
Yes, Rick could come read this, but maybe there's a part of me that wants him to know that the recent things he has done scare me. They make me fearful of him, afraid to truly trust him. I was having enough issues about trust and my inner need to feel safe and secure with him. I didn't need these events at all. I especially don't like my own son being aware of any of it, even if he only sees the tip of the true iceberg of dysfunction.
I do believe we are creatures of habit and perhaps my childhood of not feeling that I belong makes me think it's normal to be around someone that makes me question my every move and action. It makes me fear how the night will go. Will we end up in the throes of passion covered in sweat or will we destroy items of my former life one at a time. Vase from son, italian spaghetti bowl from grandma, laptop from former marriage, what next?
Today at work I wondered why I let him tell me to let it go. To forget about it. I know what it is like to be spit on, to be pushed against a wall, to be hit, to be kicked, to feel like someone's nothing. Is that love? Love is not about pain. Pain is plain and simple fucking pain.
Anger mgt classes taught me that this is denial. This is internal bleeding of the sort thatmakes one wonder if they deserve this. Am I a fucked up mental case that deserves to be the carrier of everyone elses emotional diseases?
Ex is getting re-married I believe. They'll be another statistic for why and how 2nd divorces happen if you remarry within the first 2 years of your divorce. Sure it could work, for my son's sake I hope something there starts to go right and that instead of spending their income on trips, and new clothes for the ex, they spend it on tutors and counseling for my son. No...that would make sense. While I struggle to figure out how to pay for my new used shoes to ease my mental anquish and push away fears about having to buy 4 new tires or fix that minor dent on my truck from one night of not giving a fuck about my own life, they pay for trips to PA to annouce their wedding plans, portable dvd players to entertain the "boys" they lovingly refer to as their family, While I struggle to replace all that is broken in my life, they fix nothing for my son. It's all good. I'm just bitching and moaning now. And yes maybe I am jealous. Jealous of how easy he makes it appear, how good he is at lying to everyone including himself. How simple minded he is and how he wears something new and shiny but hacks my son's hair with a cheap pair of kitchen scissors because I "don't know his financial situation" any longer. Yeah right, kiss my ass! I say. He certainly doesn't hack away at his own hair, just my son's. He doesn't go without the new shiny gray "i'm almost 40 but don't want to admit to it" shirt so that my son can have new tae kwon do pants. Nah...he's got a new image of happiness to uphold. Man, it all makes me sick. I can and do buy my son things...and I give him everything I can, so why can't he? When did he stop caring about his own son's well being?? When "she" came along! This is why I hate her, that and the fact that she has no morals and thinks it's ok to fuck someone's husband. She's a whore...plain and simple cheap ass computer cam nudie poser whore. I had to get that one out....sorry.
These days I drive to work, wonder how to make things better, wonder if someday this will be a sordid memory. I try anything to numb the dissapointments, but I don't know anymore how to erase violence with ignorance when I'm no longer blind. When I can no longer lie to myself successfully. I silently scream to myself "Fix it...kristy just get it together and fix it!" But ya know what...there's one part of my life I can't fix. Rick has to.
The worst thought that comes through my mind is that I lost my family twice, I don't know why I have to be hurting like this over everything else too. I drive too far, too often, and I never get anywhere I want to be. I never get there....and I'm so foolish that I still believe that if I just go some more....
I called Bucky tonight from work since I was working until 9 p.m. He said, "are you working this late, during my homework time?" I replied "yes." He said, "it's ok mom, someday you'll win the lottery because I'm gonna buy you a ticket."
Thank god there's always that one thing...that one boy that drives me...that makes me want to overcome all the other's that hurt me.
Rick..if you read this...don't get angry just know that I'm hurting inside over what you did and I'm hurting because I don't feel your remorse. I don't feel you being sorry or trying to heal anything with me. I feel constant friction. I feel mangled inside. I feel like a typewriter missing half it's keys. I express to you, but do you understand me? Do you hear me? Just once, forget what I'm doing...think about what you're doing. Are you showing me you love me? Are you? I know I'm not showing you...because right now I'm bruised.
-PoeticaL
My friend bry is up north walking through trees.
My friend braN is in London buying new art for his flat.
My friend Brad just fell off a horse this week, but he says he'll get back on.
My boyfriend Rick isn't here right now, he's somewhere else instead.
My son Bucky is the only person that made me feel loved today.
