cluttering the net since 2001


Thursday, Jun. 27, 2002
It’s amazing how quickly a person can get themselves showered, dressed and ready to go to work when they get up later than normal. What usually takes me 35 minutes..today took me 15. And the sad part…. I look the same. My hairs the same, my clothes are the same….etc.

The jeans are tight. I’m sitting here trying to breath. So I have again made another vow to get my act together. I mean, tight is bad enough. Next week they might not even friggin’ fit.

I’m hoping that “he” goes to ND to see his Mom so I have a nice quiet week next week and can hopefully get the resolve necessary to break that crack-like addiction. Because that’s truly all it is. Any man that calls a child an inconvenience to his lifestyle when said child isn’t even a part of his lifestyle…has issues. Fine you don’t want that in your life. Fine I can accept that. But then why seek it…why pursue it….why ignore that it’s part of the so called “deal”? I don’t look at people like they’re behind a current and I’m playing a game. “I’ll take curtain #2…” That’s not me speaking. And it’s not cool. And yeah…I’m still angry inside. So what!!! He likes to run off giving speeches…and they always suck. And no this is not about me not getting what I want. Believe me I’m used to that. This is about me wanting something that he so clearly now never was.

Fuck… my pants feel like shit. I want to go put on some big baggy sweats… (I don’t even own a pair of sweats! I live in an incubator for crying out loud. That’s like putting a blanket over eggs that have a big chicken ass already on them.) and go back to bed and stare at the unpainted boring ceiling and try to remember that sky one I used to have. Most of my sentences when speaking to myself lately begin with “I used to have… “I remember when…. “If I could go back…. And there’s no use in that. Wasted thoughts.

Two more days and then I’m off for 9! Someone fast forward the next two for me. “Bucky’s” watching cartoons and he’s half asleep on the loveseat in the sunroom behind me. I think he needs a vacation too. I feel like going to the bus station with my paycheck on Friday and just riding a bus wherever all week. Just get on and never get off ‘til next week when I have to. Just sit there staring out the window like I’m going somewhere big and badass. When people ask me where I’m going I’ll reenact that bus scene from Sleeping with the Enemy and hopefully other women will hand me apples and some sympathy for a week. Yeah, that’s an idea.

In reality I think I’m going to spend my entire paycheck on a brand new kickass camera. One of those kinds that has the big lens that makes you look “perceptions” important. *rolls eyes* And then when I take my lame bus trips I can pretend I’m cool like Bobby does. When I came to diaryland he had something to say, then he got a camera, an ok job and now he’s a glorified travel agent’s dream. If you’re one of those girls that keeps letting him stay for free, why not put a sign around your neck that says “no cow, but he milks free!” and by all means make sure you have interesting sheets on your bed or he won’t have a fucking thing to say next week! Yeah I’m in a crappy mood so I’m ripping on somebody. But ask mr perceptionss, the creativity booster…. I was saying this shit weeks ago. Just not here.

So anyways, expect PoeticaL to go gold, expect photos you can “ohhh” and “ahhh” over, posted anywhere else of course, since I can’t take pictures!

And to these people

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Quit fucking talking to me, because I don’t really care! My printers on the blitz, there is too much debt to consolidate, I don’t like Scooby Doo, I don’t shop at Kmart, I want a degree but it’s not in the works, again enough with reminding me about my Printer, I can’t afford to travel I’m consolidating my bills…remember?, ahh yeah there you go…back to the Debt problem…….I don’t think a skinny ass is a younger ass…and there’s no GREAT news about having a MORTGAGE! Get lost !!

Yeah I’m in a really fucking bad mood…so what?

7:52 a.m. ::
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