cluttering the net since 2001

stalemates are bad

Wednesday, Jun. 18, 2003
It’s been a few days since I really updated. I was intending on doing so yesterday, and then I got the news about trace and I just took it a lot harder than I would have ever guessed. We all like to think that immortality exists and that nothing bad like that is ever going to happen. I met Tracy through diaryland, I can’t even remember anymore who found who or how it all happened, I just remember that we spoke often through email and I got very used to her presence in my life very quickly. I just didn’t realize how much this would affect me. Tracy’s diary is at ‘lifeonhold’ and I got the news from her good friend “ediblemercury”. I think this is going to be on my mind for a long time to come.

Last night I had class. There was this chick in there talking only ebonics and I was ready to say, “perhaps if you learn to talk correctly you might not have so many problems with people?” But then again that’s not the way to cope with life, by creating anger in someone else. So I tuned all her “and thens I sez to my mother..” right out. I don’t think sitting there for an hour and a half listening to these shit stories is helping anything. We have a checklist for things that we have done that violate the code of “peace” within all our personal relationships. I had to check a bad girl “yes” for calling ex a fuckstick. But it was so worth it. The whole scenario is lame. Let me go to class and pretend to be a good girl as if nothing in life is aggravating and that no one ever deserves my anger. I know its more about how to cope with things, but the entire thing is all touchy feely and has no real guts to it. They all think if you sit in a circle and commune together that something will change within. Get real. My ex is a fuckstick and no amount of non air conditioned feel good shit will change that.

It’s raining cats and dogs and elephants here. Big time rain. If I go get lunch I’ll get wet in the process. Hmmm….

Lastly, something Rick and I spoke about last night at 2 a.m. after I slept for 5 hours already. He says I never initiate affection. I think I’m afraid of being very open because the same fear I started out with was relit with that pm message of “its over”. I don’t like to think that he could walk out so easily. I don’t think he could, after all he didn’t. It’s just bullshit female emotions. But he’s right, I need to reach out for him first…. Besides, its not a game with a scoreboard. It’s about being close, being there for each other, its not a he did she did competition. By the way, last night he decided to give in and come to me, and I’m glad because those stubborn stalemates are doing nothing good for either of us. I’m going to give in too. Always. Fear is the worst feeling…why fear something into happening? Stupid really…

I miss my son…and there’s far too much complex stuff going on there to ever explain it here. I know my missing him and feeling that loss is causing other issues elsewhere. Its all so intricate and connected to everything I do. There’s a blue eyed boy I just want to talk to. Last time we spoke the cellphone he was on cut out and I missed most of what he was trying to say to me.

12:42 p.m. ::
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