cluttering the net since 2001

step into reality....

Tuesday, Dec. 06, 2005
Lately there have been more issues with the stepmother my son has to cope with. I have tried and tried to understand and comprehend to no avail. Suffice it to say if you marry someone with children…they will not be your children until you care for them in such a way that they want to care for you in return. They will be children you are lucky enough to have access to and if you’re any type of person you’ll struggle and strive to give them all that you can.

You will not be a good stepmother if you

1. institute rules about stupid things like when said child can and should turn off their ceiling fan

2. make threats to “hit” said child(ren)

3. resent child and do so openly and with ugliness

4. try to harm the good relationship said child has with his/her real parents

5. undermine the child’s real parents

6. disrespect childs real parent by making childish faces at parent in front of child

7. act immaturely overall

8. display jealousy about the time that your spouse spends with his/her child

9. decide that you are more important than any child that you are stepparenting

I hope to learn more from reading a few books I bought today out of sheer frustration about other people’s poor choices. I bought two books about stepparenting even though I have no children to be a stepparent to. I hope to learn something that will either enlighten me or at the very least help me to understand how better to help her be a better stepmother for my son’s sake. If I could wave a magic wand and make her a nice caring person that she is not….I would. I would do that for my son in a heartbeat. Unfortunately like I explained to my son after yet another sad public display of her disdain towards my son…..misery loves company and a miserable person does not have a wealth of joy to share with anyone else.

Today my ex-husband openly admitted that there are problems and since he did not take ownership of the problem and he did not place the blame on our child…..I am left to believe that we all know the source of the discord. He claims they are attending therapy and that he’s aware of the issue….however, he and I attended therapy and he sat there saying nothing. I am a firm believer that our wish or desire that other’s change is not all that it takes. Asking someone else to fix their problems or attend therapy is usually not a successful route to fixing them. The person with the poor behavior needs to recognize their poor behavior and take ownership of their own faults before anything can change. A grown woman who stands in her own driveway making childish faces at the child’s mother in front of the child……is not mature enough to work through their issues.

Oddly enough I have moved on emotionally and mentally from the issues that surrounded my former marriage and it’s inevitable demise. Life is life..sometimes shit happens and you don’t like what happens but at some point and time you close that chapter of your life and you rebuild a new one, one that is better and brighter. You learn from your mistakes and you try very hard to avoid making them again, most importantly the same ones. I have moved on and yet I believe that due to the nature of their relationship and how it began (two parties cheating on their respective spouses) there is an underlying jealousy and resentment towards me by her that simply amazes me. She’s the one that slept with my then husband and has yet to acknowledge it, apologize for it, etc. In fact she appears to be quite proud of it. If she were a hunter he would be the dead deer she paraded around town on the top of her truck. It’s the best way I can explain her poor behavior.

I thought that once I got married and it was very clear to her that I do not harbour any desire’s towards or for my ex that she would somehow grow up. What a misleading thought that was that I had. It’s only gotten worse on her end.

The sad part is I could handle it far more if she directed her poor behavior towards me, my ex, or any other single person other than my son who is an innocent bystander that deserves far more than the disgusting behavior she enjoys with a passion.

I know that I have not made the same mistakes again. I know that my son does not complain or openly write about his stepfather. Perhaps because I was long ago of the belief that blending a family together does not just happen because you will it to in your mind. It happens because you realize it is a work that you must apply yourself to, think about and work at collectively.

I know that I took my time in making my decisions. I did not run from divorce court to the nearest JP to again marry someone else prior to addressing the overflow of the problems leftover from the demise of a former marriage. I gave my son time to get to know Rick. I gave Rick time to decide whether he wanted to be a stepfather. I also did not push anyone together because it was “what I wanted and what I want is more important than the people I love.”

Yes…its frustrating….I wish she’d just slap me in the face daily and quit taking her issues out on my child. He’s a sweet kid that deserves so so much more from anyone lucky enough to be any part of his world.

Also…Reason #1,999,092,092,124,320 I pick Rick? Because he never asks me to choose between my son and himself, he never makes me feel guilty for choosing Keith above and beyond all else…because damnit I’m his mother and I should do that!! He always supports me and my decisions and lets me parent my son the way I always have……he doesn’t impose his rules on my son and he doesn’t ever ever ever make my son feel as though he is not welcome in our hearts, our home and our lives. I love my husband and I love my son and I’m never torn between them. Never.

An adult that is jealous of their spouses love for their own flesh and blood….is not an adult.
7:42 p.m. ::
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