cluttering the net since 2001

the best gift I ever got

Tuesday, Dec. 17, 2002
I just wanted to come back and say something….

I got a gift today. When I was opening it….I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. Pretty green paper…and it was more than a materialistic giving of an item. He went all out. He put forth so much effort to make me smile, and to make me enjoy that moment. Envelopes inside more envelope’s and I got a big grin just seeing his handwriting walking across the page. Just to thing that his hands put all of that together, it just felt like he was so real and so close for those moments. A lot of thought went into everything he did.

My previous entry full of voiced aggravation isn’t about anything but the fact that I think I disappointed him and that hurts me in a way that I don’t know how to deal with except to try to make it up to him. I think I have learned to endure everything that life throws my way, but when I let him down….it just hits me so hard. It’s an emotion I’ve never known about or for any other person.

I truly sent him a **** cause I felt horrible about how he never got a *** he liked. I hate that. I hate that anyone could hurt him. I guess I just wanted him to know that I would go back and change things and make them happier for him if I could. Maybe I should have just said that and then got him something I was sure he’d love.

I know my heart was in the right place..I know I had a reason…but I also know he’s logical and doesn’t think like I do and therefore I thought all wrong about what I sent because I thought about my feelings about something rather than making him happy. I dunno…I only know that he’s my best friend in life and if there was one person that I wanted to make smile, it was him. And I failed miserably and that makes me cry.

I know he’ll help me get my new kick ass MP3 player working…he always helps me. I wanted to tell him three different times that I was so grateful that more than a million times he’s given me something to look forward to. But I didn’t. I just kept saying I was sorry like a broken record.

I know he’ll tell me it’s ok and he’s forgotten how badly I messed up on his Christmas gift. He’s like that. He’ll overlook the things I fail at. I read everything he said in his cards a half a go’zillion times now, and I can only say after reading those things, he’s the only friend I’ve ever truly had.

He makes me laugh even on some of the worst days of my life. He helps me learn new things I inquire about. He encourages me to become the person I most want to be. He doesn’t let me give up. He makes me smile every single day, without trying. He’s taught me a whole new language. He’s the person that taught me how something good could happen, how something real and true feels, and how I deserve so much more than what I have for so long accepted. He shows me something new and interesting every single day, something I can learn and grow from. He never lets me get lost in a pathetic pity party and he sure as hell doesn’t make anything easier for me, he makes me earn everything all by myself, so that when I succeed I can pat myself on the back and grin at him for looking over my shoulder while I did it.

Most people do not have a clue what this kind of relationship is. I thought last week that I was just filling a void in his life, after all I am accessible and he can pick and chose when we speak. And then he said, “but then I am filling a void for you too, aren’t I?” Maybe that’s what real friends are. When you have a friend, they fill a void, but did you choose them to be a part of your life to fill the void, or did you let them in and they just simply made things better by their presence.

He does fill a void, anyone can do that, but not the way he does. He does it by being my best friend. And today I let him down….I surely didn’t show him how glad I am that he’s in my life, or how blessed I know I am to have known him for the last few years. I blew it. I’m bummed out, not over any software problems. What he sent to me, the gift itself...was the nicest thing anyone's ever given me. Ever.

I just called him twice because I wanted to say this stuff to him, he didn’t answer….twice…so…

If he’s reading this, I want you to know….it wasn’t the big box…it wasn’t the green paper….it wasn’t even the hidden messages I had to look hard for. It was that you put forth so much effort to make it all perfect. That is the part I will never forget. In all my life, and all the paper I have ripped from gifts, no one ever made me feel that happy before. It’s a lot easier for me to write pretty words than it ever is for me to figure out how to cause pretty actions.

I know that I’m partially saying this here because he takes such a bad rap from me when I’m confused and hurting…and he doesn’t deserve that. I swear if the world was a field of weeds, he’d be the only good thing growing bright and strong.

The best gift I ever got didn’t come in a box, didn’t have pretty paper on it. It was the one I got the day I met him. Or maybe it was the one I got the day he decided to forgive me. Or maybe it was the one I got every time he decided again to be a part of my life.
1:21 a.m. ::
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