PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

there is no future in the past

Tuesday, Jun. 18, 2002
further hintage

???: you want blueberry or strawberry pancakes?
Me: teeheee
Me: are you a morning person?
???: yes i am
Me: woohooooo someone to make breakfast
Me: are you all happy and cheerful and stuff?
???: i'm sure i will be sunday morning
Me: awwww

~~~~

in other news….

These people are fucked up….’cept for Thoarn Swiftarrow (who happens to be James… ;-) and for whom I agree totally with on this issue.

Leave your baby on a bus? You should just lose your baby right then and there. After all you left it like it was an old newspaper or something. These are the kinds of people that shouldn’t have kids. I never forgot about “Bucky” ever.

ok the tough stuff…to address Captain Ron’s post in my guestbook because it really hit home.

First…..Brad said this yesterday…

“Will you forever live in the past, reliving a new day in the same old way?”

When I read this I thought…wow. He’s told me a thousand times. “There is no future in the past”. I have heard it and thought it was a great quote. I don’t think I ever really felt deep enough inside what it was that I only heard. Those words have been playing and replaying through my head ever since. And the implications that the things that have happened to me have caused me to forget that tomorrow is a new day. I have spent too many of my new days concentrating on the past. Therefore allowing my past to steal my present and so no future ever gets a chance to take a foothold. It’s like my past was bad enough and now I’m allowing it to steal my future….. very prolific…

Brad went on to say Here’s all I need to say to you. Whatever makes you happy go for it. Whatever makes you cry, stay clear of it.”

Ironic that my past makes me miserable. The notion of a future, brand new and exactly what I always wanted my life to be…of which he reminds me of when we talk….makes me happy. Again, I need to feel these words not just read them!!!

And then CaptainRon comes along and mind you, I don’t know him and he says this….

You remind me so much of someone that use to be important in my life, but her past deamons and current fears damaged things and they could not get fixed. The only advice I can give you is to find a way to be comfortable with yourself and things will fall into place. I know that is easier said than done, especially of the dark places were forged long ago. Like steel that gets hardened with age, those places get tougher and tougher as time passes but they can be broken. They must be broken.”

More words that came mid-afternoon, mid-way through mid-thoughts of being in the middle. The middle between the past, the mistakes and the future full of possibilities. It’s so easy for me to sit and count the ways in which my life has gone wrong. In my doing that I am giving the steel more strength. I need to be sitting reinforcing the positive possibilies. And I need to just let go of the notion that what I have can ever be enough. It’s riddled with pain and sprinkled with mistrust to the point that it’s like a pretty cake that someone slobbered all over. It’s not pretty anymore. While it’s still a cake, and it’s a close facsimile to what I once thought ti was…it just is not the same anymore. It’s hard to see it so close and not want to just fix it all. When is enough enough?

The best things in life often require struggle. Isn’t happiness for the rest of your life worth that? - Ron

The thing that I am realizing today is that I have been struggling. Struggling for the wrong people and the wrong reasons. Its like if I have to struggle so damned much, I might as well start to struggle towards the future that I want. There’s two major things that made me do an about face. Wait. Make that 3. 1. fear 2. poverty 3. rejection All three things that were highly prevalent in my past. How strange is that correlation? It makes me really sit and wonder.

There are a few things that need to happen I believe. I need to fight my fears with answers. Actions that turn something fearful into something gain worthy. If you overcome a fear won’t you then have a strength? I believe so. Secondly, no one is more important than me. And lastly, I need to push everyone that takes up my attention (I do this myself..not them) out so that I can move forward and not sit around feeling sorry for myself because they agree to pity me.

Hey Ron. I don’t know you. But thank you! I have a lot more going on in my head than I can express right now.

-PoeticaL
9:44 p.m. ::
prev :: next